Donald Trump summoned some of his top sycophants along with Anthony Fauci to the White House’s newly redecorated Lying My Ass Off Room. As they entered, they passed by a whiteboard with the up-to-date total for the pandemic. “1 dead and 4 infected.”
Trump: Now listen, I’m sick of people whining ‘covid this and covid that. What do they want from me? I’m doing everything I can. Last week, I even called Alex Rodriguez for advice.
Fauci: The baseball player?
Trump: That’s right.
Fauci: What did he tell you to do?
Under his breath, Fauci mumbled, “Moron.”
Trump: Now listen, I’m sick of people whining ‘covid this and covid that.’ Geez, what a bunch of weenies. You’d think they had bone spurs or something.
Ivanka: But daddy, it’s a real tragedy. Wealthy people are dying too.
Trump: Really, dead rich people? Jared, find out where the bodies are stored, go there and take their wallets.
Trump: Ivanka, did you have to marry a Jew?… Now listen up, Fauci, ‘A hundred-thousand people.’… I told the truth today and millions of Republicans became even more confused than usual. So, I’m throwing it into reverse and issuing an executive order that mandates people to get into crowded elevators immediately.
Graham: It might help if you led by example, sir. Would you be willing to get into a crowded elevator?
Trump: Lindsey, if I’m in an elevator, believe me, it’s crowded.
Fauci: Tell me you dumb fu*k, how did you get this stupid in just one lifetime?
Trump: Blow me, Fauci.
Pence: Uh, perhaps this would be a good time for prayer.
Trump: Okay, fine. I’ll lead us with one of my favorite Christian hymns… ‘Oh Jesus boy the pipes the pipes are calling…’