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Month: March 2020

PLAYING CATCH-UP

 

PLAYING CATCH-UP

Donald Trump summoned some of his top sycophants along with Anthony Fauci to the White House’s newly redecorated Lying My Ass Off Room. As they entered, they passed by a whiteboard with the up-to-date total for the pandemic. “1 dead and 4 infected.”

Trump: Now listen, I’m sick of people whining ‘covid this and covid that. What do they want from me? I’m doing everything I can. Last week, I even called Alex Rodriguez for advice.

Fauci: The baseball player?

Trump: That’s right.

Fauci: What did he tell you to do?

Trump: Bunt.

Under his breath, Fauci mumbled, “Moron.”

Trump: Now listen, I’m sick of people whining ‘covid this and covid that.’ Geez, what a bunch of weenies. You’d think they had bone spurs or something.

Ivanka: But daddy, it’s a real tragedy. Wealthy people are dying too.

Trump: Really, dead rich people? Jared, find out where the bodies are stored, go there and take their wallets.

Kushner: Halfsies?

Trump: Ivanka, did you have to marry a Jew?… Now listen up, Fauci, ‘A hundred-thousand people.’… I told the truth today and millions of Republicans became even more confused than usual. So, I’m throwing it into reverse and issuing an executive order that mandates people to get into crowded elevators immediately.

Graham: It might help if you led by example, sir. Would you be willing to get into a crowded elevator?

Trump: Lindsey, if I’m in an elevator, believe me, it’s crowded.

Fauci: Tell me you dumb fu*k, how did you get this stupid in just one lifetime?

Trump: Blow me, Fauci.

Pence: Uh, perhaps this would be a good time for prayer.

Trump: Okay, fine. I’ll lead us with one of my favorite Christian hymns… ‘Oh Jesus boy the pipes the pipes are calling…’

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DENIAL AIN’T JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT

DENIAL AIN’T JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT

Donald Trump, who when he gets to OZ, plans to ask the wizard for a brain, recently held an emergency session with his advisors whom, since this crisis started, have often heard Lawrence Kudlow utter the words, “Hey Moe, pick two fingers.”

Trump began the meeting with:

Trump: Anyone know if that Lieutenant Governor guy in Texas has spoken to his grandparents yet?

Kudlow: He can’t get through. They disconnected their phone and went to their lawyers to change their will.

Trump: Damn cowards. Okay, listen up. I’m sick of this cofefe-19 virus crap. And I’m sick of you, Fauci. Don’t you know that I, and everybody who works for me, never tell the truth?

Fauci: Sir, it’s my responsibility to be honest with the people.

Trump: What you have to say doesn’t count.

Fauci: Why not?

Trump: You’re short.

Fauci: I’m not going to sink to your level…. Pudgy.

Trump: ‘Pudgy?’ I only weigh 236 pounds.

Fauci:  Your next physical… try putting both legs on the scale.

Trump: Grow up, loser. And if I hear the words ‘social distancing’ again… well, just picture your legs sticking out from under a bus.

Mike Pence: Gentleman, stop. We need to develop a strategy to convince America that our health care workers don’t need masks.

Trump: Right. This ‘not enough masks’ nonsense is a load. He reached under his desk, removed a Lone Ranger mask and put it on.

Trump: I’ve had this for almost seventy years and, except for fake bone spurs and gonorrhea, it’s protected me from everything, including that Scout guy and his horse, Tonto.

Mnuchin: Sir, Scout was the horse and Tonto was your sidekick.

Trump: Some sidekick. I doubt he’d kiss my ass like Pence does.

Pence: It’s an honor, sir.

Kudlow: I have something to say.

Trump: Go on.

Kudlow; Hey, Moe, pick two fingers.

The door opened, revealing Rand Paul in the doorway.

Paul: Hey guys, anyone want to go to the gym?

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

 

PRAY WITH ME

PRAY WITH ME

Last week, Mike Pence suggested to Donald Trump that they hold a prayer session in order to defeat the “Democratic hoax virus.”

Trump asked, “Do you think it’ll help?”  Pence replied, “Absolutely. It’s how we wiped out gun violence in America, remember?”

Trump: Well, it would be good to get rid of the Cofefe-19 virus. Let’s do it tomorrow.

When they reconvened, Pence brought Joel Osteen along and had arranged for Pat Robertson to participate via Skype.

Before Pence could pray, Robertson shouted through the computer screen and the spittle coming out of his mouth, “The homosexuals are to blame.”

Pence nodded his agreement and then began the session with a Prayer. “God, our deep and abiding faith in you tells us that you are sitting amongst us now. We-

Trump: Hang on. I don’t see God here.

Joel Osteen: Sir, the Lord is never seen, but-

Trump: What’re you talking about? I’ve seen him a bunch of times.

Osteen: Where?

Trump: I see him in those churches I visit to con people into thinking I’m religious.

Pence: How-

Trump: Open your eyes, dummy. He’s the guy hanging from that t-square, wearing a shrubbery on his head… And what’s the deal with his palms? Can’t he afford hand lotion?

Pat Robertson’s voice broke through again, “It’s the homosexuals’ fault.”

Trump: I’ll lead the damn prayer… Our dear Jesse Christ, cut us a break with this virus crap. Amen… Okay, thanks for coming guys.

Osteen took out a collection plate and handed it to Pence who, after putting five dollars in it, handed it to Trump, who put the fiver in his pocket. As Trump got up to walk out, Pat Robertson bellowed, “It’s the homosexuals’ fault.”

Praise the Lord.

theleftwinggazette.com