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Month: April 2020

TRUMP’S NEW ADVISORS

TRUMP’S NEW ADVISORS

Worldwide laughingstock Donald Trump, hoping to stop his precipitous self-inflicted drop in the polls, fired his advisors for asking him to scrap his newest suggestion for eradicating the virus by injecting people with Roundup Weed Killer.

Enraged, he immediately fired his team and arranged a meeting with his hand-picked new one.

Trump: Now, each of you has been chosen for your particular area of expertise. Who wants to speak first?

Moe: Me, sir. Pick two fingers.

Trump: Uh, okay… Ouch, you poked me in my eyes.

Curly: Hey Moe, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, he’s dumber than me.

Moe: I know, knucklehead, and if I can train him to throw pies, you’ll have nothing to do in the act.

Larry: “Nothing to do in the act?” That’s my job.

Trump: That’s enough. We’re here to discuss ways to put an end to this Democratic hoax virus.

Dr. Strangelove: With all due respect Mein Fuhrer, I’ve never heard of a hoax that runs a fever, but remember, we have precision bombs that wipe out dangerous things like viruses and minorities.

Trump: Good. I like it.

Lou Costello: I’m curious, does anyone know who’s got the virus?

Abbott: Who doesn’t have the virus. Who has a cold. Why has the virus.

Costello: How come?

Abbott: Forget how come. He’s just cranky.

Costello: Why’s he cranky?

Abbott: No, why has the virus. Forget-

They were interrupted by:

Professor Irwin Corey: As your advisor, sir, I must, though not altogether or even partially agreeing with the team’s veracity, feel that with constant and exploratory discourse and finesse and other things, we may just arouse success in a sufficient quantity to focus on the endemic implications of the pandemic.

Trump leaped to his feet.

Trump: Finally, someone who speaks my language.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

 

AMERICAN ANGST

AMERICAN ANGST

Donald Trump’s handling of the Covid-19 pandemic has raised Americans’ anxiety to a new high. Manufacturers of Valium and Xanax are reporting record earnings. Airplane glue sales are through the roof.

For some perspective, we decided to talk to an elder American, Mrs. Harvina Slavin, 82. She’s lived through many disasters in her lifetime and we wanted to know how she was handling this Donald Trump nightmare.

Us: Harvina, dear, we’re more than ten feet apart, so I think you can take your mask off.

Harvina: I’m not wearing a mask.

Us: Oh, sorry… Would you like to share your feelings about Donald Trump?

Harvina: I hate that bloated idiot… You know, there just has to be something wrong with him. Have you seen his children? He must’ve mated out of his species… Maybe he’s bipolar.

Us: Probably not. If you’re bipolar, you have mood swings that change your personality back and forth. Trump’s moods only range from moron to beautiful moron to best moron.

Harvina: Well, the idiot’s turned me into a nervous wreck. And I have horrible dreams at night.

Us: Would you mind sharing one with us?

Harvina: Well, there’s the one where Trump wakes up in bed with the head of a whore next to him.

Us: Are you sure that’s not the head of a horse?

Harvina: No, it’s the head of a Slovenian speaking whore.

Us: And there’s no body?

Harvina: No, and it gets scary when he shrieks, ‘Not Melania! Noooo!’ Then he picks up the phone and says. ‘Ivanka, are you busy?’

Us: Terrifying.

Harvina: True, but I’ll say this, I have a very active sex life since he got elected. I’m getting more than I have since the pizza delivery boy quit.

Us: Really, how so?

Harvina: I get fuc**d by Donald Trump every day.

Us: Millions of us are having trouble sitting down.

Harvina: I started using birth control again. I don’t want to have a kid with a tail.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

TRUMP’S HARDEST DECISION

TRUMP’S HARDEST DECISION

This past weekend, Donald Trump told us that he was facing the hardest decision of his presidency: And he struggled mightily trying to decide between ordering the Big Mac or the Double Quarter Pounder. He’s promised to announce his decision as soon as his I.R.S. audit is complete.

Trump invited Mike Pence, Jared and Ivanka to have lunch with him and shoot the breeze so that he could take his mind off of the virus and his falling poll numbers.

To put Trump in a good mood, Pence sucked up to him by asking, “Is your lovely ‘She’s-not-a-whore-wife’ feeling better?”

Ivanka: What’s wrong with Melvania?

Trump: She wasn’t feeling well and developed a boil.

Jared: Is she okay?

Trump: Yes. It turned out it was just an allergic reaction to not getting any new jewelry for a week.

Pence: God visits boils upon the morally bankrupt.

Trump: Mike, let me quote to you from the Book of Aphasia. Christ said unto his followers, “Enough of you never-ending babble. Or elsith.”

Pence: Sorry about the boil comment, sir.

Trump: If you want to make up for it, buy Melania a necklace.

Pence: A necklace?

Trump: Right. She wants something to hang around the boil.

Pence: With all due respect, I don’t believe in bling. It degrades and defiles us and I wouldn’t do that to her.

Ivanka: Relax, Mike. That happened when she married my father.

Trump: Thanks, Sweetheart.

Just then, A troubled Steve Mnuchin walked into the room

Mnuchin: Sir, your signature on the stimulus checks… You spelled your name wrong.

theleftwinggazette.