Donald Trump keeps a diary. This is a little-known fact because I just made it up. Nonetheless, it still has more veracity to it than anything that comes out of his mouth.
His most recent personal thoughts:
“Dear Dairy: Went to Cape Canaveral on Wednesday with Melania, my lovely Slobovian wife. I was all set to become this first President to send astronauts to walk on Jupiter, but somehow, Joe Biden got Florida’s Seminole Indians to do a rain dance that caused much lightning and thunder.
The SpaceX launch had to be scrubbed, disappointing millions of mask-less and dedicated Trump voters who waited breathlessly while spiking fevers.
All that would have been bad enough, but the humidity down there caused Melania’s hare to frizz and hang limply. She wasn’t all that upset because she knows all about things that hang limply. Should an attack such as this happen to her again, I will cut off all funding to humidity.
I am bummed that those 100,000 fake dead people are causing my pole numbers to tank. People have started to suggest that I dump Mike Pence. Mike has been very loyal to me… like I give a crap. I have actually begun to wonder who would be the best Republican corpse to replace him with. Right now, my top choices are Susan Collins and Strom Thurmond.
I’ll tell you dairy… if I could feel bad for anyone other than myself, I’d feel that way for Melania. She deserves better than to go to Florida and be attacked by Joe-Sitting-Biden’s Indians … She’s a great wife and quite smart. It took me a while to see it, but she really is wise beyond her breasts.”