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Month: May 2020

DEAR DIARY

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DEAR DIARY

Donald Trump keeps a diary. This is a little-known fact because I just made it up. Nonetheless, it still has more veracity to it than anything that comes out of his mouth.

His most recent personal thoughts:

“Dear Dairy: Went to Cape Canaveral on Wednesday with Melania, my lovely Slobovian wife. I was all set to become this first President to send astronauts to walk on Jupiter, but somehow, Joe Biden got Florida’s Seminole Indians to do a rain dance that caused much lightning and thunder.

The SpaceX launch had to be scrubbed, disappointing millions of mask-less and dedicated Trump voters who waited breathlessly while spiking fevers.

All that would have been bad enough, but the humidity down there caused Melania’s hare to frizz and hang limply. She wasn’t all that upset because she knows all about things that hang limply. Should an attack such as this happen to her again, I will cut off all funding to humidity.

I am bummed that those 100,000 fake dead people are causing my pole numbers to tank. People have started to suggest that I dump Mike Pence. Mike has been very loyal to me… like I give a crap. I have actually begun to wonder who would be the best Republican corpse to replace him with. Right now, my top choices are Susan Collins and Strom Thurmond.

I’ll tell you dairy… if I could feel bad for anyone other than myself, I’d feel that way for Melania. She deserves better than to go to Florida and be attacked by Joe-Sitting-Biden’s Indians … She’s a great wife and quite smart. It took me a while to see it, but she really is wise beyond her breasts.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

THE DEEP STATE EXPLAINED

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THE DEEP STATE EXPLAINED

I am a liberal and therefore allegedly a member of the Deep State. But if I am a member, then why have they never invited me to one of their barbecues?

We spoke to an occasionally reliable source at Breitbart News, Klaus Panzer. Klaus shared with us what they know about the Deep State. He told us:

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are its leaders. The two of them will stop at nothing to achieve their evil goal of doing bad stuff. They hate all Republicans. So virulent is their hatred of Mitch McConnell that they recently placed him on their chin-watch list.

The dastardly organization is conveniently located in the minds of delusional conspiracy theorists like Donald Trump and his children, all of whom think of looting charities as their birthright.

The Deep State’s main sources of revenue come from kidnapping, extortion, and stealing prosthetic limbs to drag behind their cars after getting married.

Their latest attempt to get Donald Trump out of the Amityville White House has been to spread the rumor that he is overweight. Klaus got very upset and added, “Well, he’s not overweight. Not for a vending machine”

He hung up when he heard the staff laughing.

I hope this tutorial has been helpful to my many loyal readers (4) in understanding the Deep State. And more importantly, could somebody please call me if they know where the next barbecue is being held?

theleftwinggazette.com

TRUMP’S UPBRINGING

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TRUMP’S UPBRINGING

Watching Donald Trump’s ongoing criminal malfeasance in dealing with the Covid19 crisis, we wondered what kind of upbringing he had that turned him into the far from human creature he is today.

To gain insight, I interviewed his peers who knew the Trump family when he was a teenager. Their opinions of him ranged from really dumb baboon to arrogant little sh*t-heel. Of course, there were other people who didn’t like him at all.

After singing “Deutschland Uber Alles,” the family would sit down to eat.

Donald: What’re we having for dinner, mother?

Mary Anne Trump: Salmon served on a bed of fifty dollar bills.

Donald: I love that.

Mary Anne Trump: No you don’t. You hate it

Donald: I know. I just honing my skills so that one day, everything that comes out of my mouth is a lie.

Fred Trump: Well, son, if anyone lacks enough character to do that, it’s you.

Donald: Thanks, dad and thanks for having my morals removed at birth.

Fred: Donald, I’ve been getting big bills from “Health Services of Wall Street.” Isn’t that an abortion clinic?

Donald: Right. I run a tab.

Mary Anne: That’s terrible, Donald. I worry that one day you’ll marry a whore.

Fred: Of course he’ll marry a whore. I’m proud of you son. And I know you’ve got it in you to one day ruin this entire country.

Donald: I’ll try, dad.

Fred: I really would have liked to have met you before your ninth birthday, Ronald, but being a slum-lord is very time consuming.

Donald: Will you take me to your worst slum on “Take Your Young Sociopath to Work Day?”

Fred: Absolutely. It’s about time you learned how to pry money from the hands of poor people.

Trump: Stealing from the poor. Great. I was getting tired of baseball anyway.

theleftwinggazette.com