Donald Trump did not agree to grant us an interview until we could prove that Jim Acosta didn’t work for us. We accomplished this by showing him a photo of our staff which is comprised mainly of high school students who excel in their remedial classes.
Left Wing Gazette: Sir, a lot of people are wondering what possessed you to exit Marine One the other night looking like some of your voters had played “Deliverance” with you?
Trump: As you saw, I’d just been through a nightmare in Fargo, Oklahoma and I wanted pity. I love pity. I deserve pity. I get the best pity.
LWG: Really? Can you tell us about some of the other things you love? Maybe show us a more human side.
Trump thought for a second and began to sing: “Blood on roses and pimples on kittens, copper kettles and stained woolen mittens, black people packaged and tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite things. Hookers with herpes-”
LWG: That’s good, Mr. Trump… Now, going back to your rally, many people had advised against even holding it. Some claimed it could be a “super-spreader” for Covid-19.
Trump: Nonsense. I know all about “super-spreaders.” I’m married to Melania.
LWG: Sir, your polls are not looking good. Does anything give you hope that you can be re-elected?
Trump: Many things do. But I guess the main one is the well-known fact that you can’t legislate hate from men’s hearts. I hold onto that.