Navigation

Month: June 2020

RALLY-LITE

RALLY-LITE

Donald Trump did not agree to grant us an interview until we could prove that Jim Acosta didn’t work for us. We accomplished this by showing him a photo of our staff which is comprised mainly of high school students who excel in their remedial classes.

Left Wing Gazette: Sir, a lot of people are wondering what possessed you to exit Marine One the other night looking like some of your voters had played “Deliverance” with you?

Trump: As you saw, I’d just been through a nightmare in Fargo, Oklahoma and I wanted pity. I love pity. I deserve pity. I get the best pity.

LWG: Really? Can you tell us about some of the other things you love? Maybe show us a more human side.

Trump thought for a second and began to sing: “Blood on roses and pimples on kittens, copper kettles and stained woolen mittens, black people packaged and tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite things. Hookers with herpes-”

LWG: That’s good, Mr. Trump… Now, going back to your rally, many people had advised against even holding it. Some claimed it could be a “super-spreader” for Covid-19.

Trump: Nonsense. I know all about “super-spreaders.” I’m married to Melania.

LWG: Sir, your polls are not looking good. Does anything give you hope that you can be re-elected?

Trump: Many things do. But I guess the main one is the well-known fact that you can’t legislate hate from men’s hearts. I hold onto that.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

SECRET PHYSICAL

 

SECRET PHYSICAL

After laboring his way down a ramp at West Point like a snow globe with feet, some Americans became concerned. Others of us are still laughing.

So alarmed was his doctor that Trump was taken on Monday for a secret physical.

He was met at Walter Reed by Navy Captain Dr. Harvey Slavin. The highly-decorated Slavin added to his already impressive medal count when he bought two new ones at a pawn shop last Friday.

He tried to begin by testing Trump for Covid-19, but the stable genius refused. “No. If we stop testing for it we’ll have many fewer cases. That’s why I’m going to recommend we stop testing for breast and prostate cancer too. Nobel Prize here I come.”

After listening to this, Dr. Slavin began wondering about the wisdom of the Hippocratic Oath.

After Saturday’s ramp incident, he was concerned about Trump’s balance. “Stand on one foot for me, Mr. Trump… Not my foot, sir.” Trump snapped, “There’s nothing wrong with my balance. Obama spilled water on the side of that ramp I walked down.”

Slavin: Fine, but you have to let me check your prostate. Bend over. Trump sulked for a moment and then acquiesced. Starring at the Presidential blow-hole, Slavin swallowed hard and reached in. After a moment, he remarked, “Sir, I keep feeling these little round things.”

Trump replied, “Don’t worry, that’s where I keep all the Republican senators’ balls. The big pair belongs to Joni Ernst.”

Trump was asked if he’d brought a stool sample as requested. He signaled and three Secret Service agents entered, each carrying a filled gallon paint can.

Slavin: We didn’t need that much, Sir.

Trump: It’s not that much. Only about a tenth of what I dump on the American people every day.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

RACE and UNITY

RACE and UNITY

You’d think Donald Trump would no longer get upset with his daily failures, but he was in an especially foul mood from this morning’s fiasco when he threw his feces against a wall and missed.

He summoned Stephen Miller to help him write a speech on race and unity. Miller begged off because he was late for a “Black Lives Don’t Matter” rally he’d organized for Bund Local 41. Miller panicked when he realized that he barely had time to stop and buy Danish for the rally. It’s the one Jewish trait he can’t shake.

Deciding to try and write the speech himself, Trump took out his giant box of Crayons and began thinking of a title. All he could come up with that was on topic was “Driving Miss Daisy Around.” Never once having had a coherent thought, Trump decided to just plunge into the speech.

“Race and unity are the parents of turmoil. Turmoil results from the failure of people to do the white thing. I’m taking America back to the wonderfully repressive 1950s when Colored People and Negroes stood with us in supporting the economy with their large purchases of Pomade.”

The door opened and Ivanka stuck her head in. “Daddy, I got that abrasive soap we use when we bathe together.” She wiggled her hips, blew him a kiss and disappeared out the door.

Trump smiled wide as images of prostitutes and NDAs danced in his head. With the attention span of a Mars Bar, Trump couldn’t remember what he’d been up to before Ivanka vamped him.

He looked around, saw the crayons and remembered what he’d been doing. He picked up the phone and called Mike Pence. “Hey, Mike, have you seen my coloring book?

theleftwinggazette.com