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Month: August 2020

THE MANCHURIAN BOZO

THE MANCHURIAN BOZO

It’s clear that Donald Trump takes his orders from Vladimir Putin. Much smarter than Trump, like most beverages are, the Russian knows that his puppet has an ego with the strength of filo-dough. Putin wisely calls every so often to stroke it. Trump loves it when he calls and if it’s during a full moon, he gets a boner.

Putin: Donald. I want to let you know how pleased I am with what your darkness and cruelty have done to the American people.

Trump: Oh, sir, you’re too kind.

Putin: The pandemic-

Trump: That hoax?

Putin: America’s response to it compared to the rest of the world sets you apart as the dumbest f**king country on the planet. And the way you use your fake Christians is wonderful.

Trump: I have the best haters.

Putin: I do have one small criticism… Donald? Donald?… It’s not about you, it’s about your wife.

Trump: Oh, good.

Putin: Her new garden, it’s pretty dull looking.

Trump: Okay, I’ll have her put in some borscht plants.

Putin: There are no borscht plants.

Trump: Okay, we’ll go with the kasha trees. Melania is from Slobovia, so she’s not that bright.

Putin: Not Slobovia, Slovenia.

Trump: Slobovia, Slovenia. You say potato, I say Mars Bar… Listen, I’d like to ask you for a favor.

Putin: Oy.

Trump: Could you have one of your people poison someone for me?

Putin: I have a lot of those people, but everyone knows you don’t pay your bills, so you’d have to put the cash up in advance.

Trump: Forget it. I’ll have Eric do it. He’s going to jail anyway.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

THE BIBLE and the POLLS

THE BIBLE AND THE POLLS

Mike Pence suggested to Donald Trump that they hold a prayer session in order to turn the polls in his favor.

Trump asked, “Do you think it’ll help?”  Pence replied, “Absolutely. Praying is how we wiped out the Covid-19, isn’t it?”

Trump: Right. Let’s do a praying tomorrow… Hey Mike, can you bring a couple of Christians and a lion? I’ve always wanted to see that.

Pence pretended not to hear him.

The following day, he brought Joel Osteen along. He’d also arranged for Pat Robertson to participate via Zoom.

Robertson, spittle coming out of his mouth, shouted, “It’s the homosexuals’ fault.”

As Trump played with his Slinky, Pence began the session with: “God, our deep and abiding faith in you tells us that you are amongst us now.

Trump: Hang on. I don’t see God here.

Joel Osteen: Sir, the Lord is never seen, but-

Trump: What’re you talking about? I’ve seen him.

Osteen: Where?

Trump: In those churches I visit to con people into thinking I’m religious… He’s the guy hanging from that t-square thing, wearing a shrubbery on his head… But what’s the deal with his palms? Can’t he afford Band-Aids?

Pat Robertson bellowed, “It’s the homosexuals’ fault.”

Trump: I don’t want to miss lunch. Melania just got me a new trough… I’ll lead the damn prayer… Our dear Jesse Christ, cut us a break with this fake polls crap. Amen… I’m all prayed out.

Osteen, his net-worth down to six billion dollars, handed a collection plate to Pence who, after putting five dollars in it, handed it to Trump, who put the fiver in his pocket. As Trump got up to walk out, Pat Robertson bellowed, “It’s the Homosexuals’ fault.”

Praise the Lord.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

STELAAA

STELLAAAA

Last week, his desperation growing, Donald Trump showed a clip of alleged doctor Stella Immanuel. Immanuel was proclaiming that she had cured Covid-19 patients by using hydroxychloroquine.  She is well respected in the world of medicine as well as voodoo.

Immanuel stood in front of men in white coats whom she claimed were doctors. But actually, they were attendants there to take her back to the Gelman Institute for the Batshit Crazy.

Because Trump will latch on to anyone or thing that backs up his crackpot ideas, one of his aides – who had a forehead you could land a plane on, arranged a meeting with Immanuel. Trump had forgotten about her, but when the aide reminded him of the woman, he recalled her, became excited and chirped, “That’s wonderful. I always liked Miriam Makeba.”

Stella entered the Oval Office carrying a goat.

Trump: Great, you brought lunch. Do you think you could hold it still while I get it on a Kaiser roll?

Stella: Yes. I’ll put a spell on it that will make him believe he’s luncheon meat.

Trump: Good. You know, my wife often tells me that I make her feel like that… Now, I’d like to discuss demon sperm with you.

Stella: Sure. I’d love to talk about your kids.

Trump: Let me tell you, I’m so proud of them all. Except for Don Jr., Eric and Marla’s kid whose name escapes me. And I’m very proud of my youngest son, Burton.

Stella: I think you should fire that Dr. Brix woman and give me her job.

Trump: Are you qualified?

Stella: Yes.

Trump: Well, forget it then.

Stella: Do you even know who I am?

Trump: Of course. Let’s sing the “pata pata” song.

theleftwinggazette.com