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Author: Left Winger

PRE-EXISTING CONDITION

World-renowned immunologist Donald Trump recently declared himself healed of Covid19. Personally, I feel that the virus has failed us.

This is a difficult time for Trump as the polls are telling him his time for destroying America is coming to an end. But before leaving, this mouse of a man has leveled a horrific broadside at the country by nominating Amy Coney Barrett to be the next justice of the Supreme Court.

Barrett suffers from the pre-existing condition of close-mindedness and gender bigotry. She claims that she doesn’t, but unfortunately, she once clerked for Antonin Scalia and is basically Scalia in a dress. Only less hairy.

Barrett taught Civil Procedure and Constitutional law at her alma mater, Notre Dame. While there, she became the first known case of a woman developing stigmata, which she got in her wood-working class. She failed the class when her professor discovered that her wooden Jesus had termites. Distraught, she had her balsawood Jesus tented. She remained inside the tent with it and to this day, shows no visible signs of the poison gas affecting her.

Trump was having trouble deciding on whom to pick until Barrett won the swimsuit competition.

Knowing that her appointment will keep her extremely busy helping Trump’s Supreme Court rocket America back to the 1950s, she plans to have three more children this weekend. She is praying mightily that this new batch of FBAs (Future Bigots of America) will be born without tails.

 

theleftwinggazette.com

SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES

SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES

Donald Trump’s aides felt it important to prep him before this week’s trip to fire-ravaged California. Their delusional boss entered what is now known as the Offal Office. He reached into his coat pocket and removed several handwritten pages and an end-cut of roast beef.

Trump: I’ve put a lot of work into my California speech, as you can tell by each word being written in a different color crayon… First, I’ll start them off with a joke. I’ll look around and say, “Geez, it looks like you people have been vaping like crazy.”

Ivanka: Daddy, maybe you shouldn’t-

Trump: Quiet, darling. I’m on a roll. Then I’ll say I’m very glad to see so many of you here in blackface… After they stop applauding me, I’ll tell them that the air is predicted to clear up in October. And since it’s already September, that’s only two months away.

Jared: Sir, October comes after… forget it. I’ll have them change the White House calendars.

Trump: I should scold Californians for not having swept the forest floors like I told them to, but instead I’m going to be kind and send them thousands of brooms.

Ivanka: Oh, daddy, that’s the first nice thing you’ve ever done.

Trump: That’s nothing. I’m going to have Kellyanne Conway show them how to use the brooms because she’s an expert as they’re her main means of transportation.

Lindsey Graham: Sir, we have some ideas-

Trump: Forget it. This trip will guarantee that I win the Northern California vote.

Pence: Sir, that’s not really likely according to-

Trump: Relax, it’s mine once I remind them that I invented Trump-a-Roni the San Francisco Treat.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

THE MANCHURIAN BOZO

THE MANCHURIAN BOZO

It’s clear that Donald Trump takes his orders from Vladimir Putin. Much smarter than Trump, like most beverages are, the Russian knows that his puppet has an ego with the strength of filo-dough. Putin wisely calls every so often to stroke it. Trump loves it when he calls and if it’s during a full moon, he gets a boner.

Putin: Donald. I want to let you know how pleased I am with what your darkness and cruelty have done to the American people.

Trump: Oh, sir, you’re too kind.

Putin: The pandemic-

Trump: That hoax?

Putin: America’s response to it compared to the rest of the world sets you apart as the dumbest f**king country on the planet. And the way you use your fake Christians is wonderful.

Trump: I have the best haters.

Putin: I do have one small criticism… Donald? Donald?… It’s not about you, it’s about your wife.

Trump: Oh, good.

Putin: Her new garden, it’s pretty dull looking.

Trump: Okay, I’ll have her put in some borscht plants.

Putin: There are no borscht plants.

Trump: Okay, we’ll go with the kasha trees. Melania is from Slobovia, so she’s not that bright.

Putin: Not Slobovia, Slovenia.

Trump: Slobovia, Slovenia. You say potato, I say Mars Bar… Listen, I’d like to ask you for a favor.

Putin: Oy.

Trump: Could you have one of your people poison someone for me?

Putin: I have a lot of those people, but everyone knows you don’t pay your bills, so you’d have to put the cash up in advance.

Trump: Forget it. I’ll have Eric do it. He’s going to jail anyway.

theleftwinggazette.com