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Author: Left Winger

STAFF INFECTION

STAFF INFECTION

John Kelly is the latest victim of America’s walking, talking Ebola virus known as Donald Trump. The President has announced that he won’t be throwing his soon-to-be former Chief of Staff under the bus. This is not an act of decency on Trump’s part, it’s just that there’s just no room left under the bus.

Trump’s first choice for the job, Vice President Pence’s Chief of Staff Nick Ayres, turned Trump down. Trump had no second choice since he’s too lazy to think ahead about anything other than lunch.

Ayres turned the job down. The two main reasons for that being: He’s not currently suicidal, and what the brightest of his six-year-old triplets said to him, which was, “Dad, please don’t go to work for that p**ck… I really like that corpse you work for now.”

President Nero Trump is now considering others who’d be willing to step into the eighth ring of hell. Sarah Sanders wanted the job, but it was decided that the Oval Office wasn’t big enough to hold that many lies at one time.

One of the many people living in Trump’s head also applied, but was ruled out because he’d drawn a mustache on Trump from the inside.

Our fearless leader was advised to come up with a short list of candidates. Once again showing off his superior intellect, Trump responded, “But what if I want to hire someone over six feet tall?”

Trump, who’s not speaking to John Kelly, passed him a note asking if he had any suggestions for his own replacement. In that organizing things for the President is one of the main duties of a Chief of Staff, Kelly suggested a “monkey trainer.” The Commander in Chief thought seriously about this for a while, but decided he wanted to be the only one throwing feces around the Oval Office.

theleftwinggazette.com

ARGENTINA

ARGENTINA

Prior to boarding Air Force One last week, sources inside the White House informed us that because of the Mueller investigation closing in on him, Donald Trump was in a vile mood. How could they tell?

Trump’s state of mind improved when he took off for the G20 summit in Argentina. He’s always felt a kinship with that country for the many Nazis they took in and hid after WWII. A service he may himself need one day.

When Trump arrived in Argentina, the first thing he did was pay his respects to his favorite dictatorette, Eva Peron. Trump went to her grave-site where he laid a wreath and a hooker.

Our fearless leader was perturbed by Vladimir Putin’s high-fiving with Saudi Crown Prince Salman. The Saudi Crown Prince and America’s Clown Prince worked things out later in a private meeting , where Salman presented Trump with his own personal “John Wayne Gacy Autograph Model Bone Saw.”

Trump was thrilled when all the dictators met in private and secretly voted him “The Tyrant Most Likely to End Global Warming by Blocking Out the Sun with His Ass.”

While Trump was in Argentina, former President George H.W. Bush passed away. The President was almost moved to tears realizing he wouldn’t be the center of attention for the next few days.

Air Force One  was sent to bring the body of the former President Bush to Washington. The coffin that he rested in was placed next to the coffin the President sleeps in. Trump’s casket has a firm, luxurious mattress, and the Seal of the Office of the President is embroidered on his plastic sheets.

Trump, for the first time in his life,  flashed a modicum of decency when he honored Bush’s memory by saying, “George Bush was a wonderful man, husband and father who will always be remembered for the beer empire he built.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

SEEKING HELP

SEEKING HELP

Desperate to keep people from knowing that he hears voices, Donald Trump had psychiatrist, Dr. Phillip Foster, smuggled into the White House disguised as Sarah Sanders. As Foster was going to the Oval Office, a tour passed by and someone commented, “She looks so much less masculine in person.” Another tour member said, “If we ask nicely, maybe she’ll tell us a lie.” The tour guide hurried the group along.

When arriving at the Oval Office, Dr. Foster found Trump finishing a bagel with cream cheese and a human finger on it.

Foster stared oddly at the finger.

Trump: I don’t like lox.

Foster: Right. Okay… How are you feeling, sir?

Trump: Great. And who wouldn’t be after tearing apart thousands of Hispanic families and putting their kids in detention camps?

Foster: That makes you happy?

Trump: Sure. Melania and I are using a photo of those kids staring through barbed wire for our Christmas cards this year. Ho-ho-ho.

Foster: Speaking of hoes, how is your and Melania’s sex life these days?

Trump: Awful. She just bought a four-hundred-thousand dollar chastity belt at Tiffany’s.

Foster: Four-hundred-thou-

Trump: It’s from the Ethel Merman collection.

Foster: I see… Is there anything in particular that you’d like to discuss?

Trump: Well, I’m under such stress from people who don’t want a dictator, that for the first time in my life, I’m having trouble getting an erection. My girlfriends, Edna and Sparkle, were getting so pissed I had to hire a fluffer.

Foster: A fluff- Why didn’t you try Viagra first?

Trump: I did. But they kept falling out of my ass.

Dr. Foster thought he was saying, “Moron” under his breath, but Trump heard it.

Trump: I hear that a lot. Especially from some of the people living in my head.

Foster: I see. Just how many people live in your head?

Trump: Including the marching band?

As a bewildered Dr. Foster just sat staring, Trump took something out of his desk, held it up and asked, “Finger?”

theleftwinggazette.com