Donald Trump has only ever seen the inside of a church while watching the movie “The Last Temptation of Christ.” He went to see it because he wanted to know if Christ’s last temptation was the Double-Quarter-Pounder or the Fish-Filet Sandwich.
After tornadoes tragically caused multiple deaths in Alabama last week, Trump felt he should visit some of the ravaged areas. The trip planning was problematic because in Alabama, it’s hard to tell which are the ravaged areas and which aren’t.
Before Trump flew off to the Bible Belt, Mike Pence gave him some pointers on how to appear religious. He told Trump that if was asked to pray, he should bow his head, interlock his fingers and make a steeple. Trump attempted this, but Pence had to tell him, “Sir, you have to put both middle fingers up.”
Trump wondered aloud if he should take a cross on Air Force One, “so I can show my followers how much I’m like that Jesse Christ guy.” Pence advised against it and Trump replied, “Just as well. I don’t need splinters in my ass what with all those Democrats crawling around in there.”
Trump boasted to Pence that he’d prepared for this trip having bought “Whores in the Bible for Dummies.” Pence reacted by saying nothing and bending over as usual. Trump reached for his umbrella.
Upon arrival in Alabama, Trump was met with rapt attention as he read a Bible verse, Proverbs 18:10, that he had tweaked a bit.
“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe… and then puts in gold toilets.” I’ll leave you to figure out the tweaking part.
Trump signed bibles for his disciples and then called out, asking if anyone knew “The Whore of Babylon.” Someone in the crowd shouted back in shock, “But Mr. President, she is the creator of abominations and the mother of all prostitutes.”
Trump replied, “I know. I just wanted to thank her.”