Upon his recent firing, John Bolton wanted to explain himself to the American people, but credible news outlets refused. We jumped at the chance as this paper’s founding principle is to protect the free speech of lunatics.

We weren’t comfortable with the idea of sitting down with him at first, but once he showed us that his rabies shots were current, we relaxed.

We went to his home where he graciously offered us Bloody Marys. Having heard the rumor that he uses real blood, we declined.

He then catapulted into defending his extremist hawkish stance on Iran. He told us that he didn’t come to his “bomb the crap out of em’” policy easily. Said he, “I asked myself the really hard question of, what would Dr. Strangelove do?”

We mentioned that he seemed very cavalier about killing people and reminded him that he’d dodged the draft during Viet Nam. He repeated what he’d told the Heritage Foundation in 2002 speech: “I had no desire to die in a Southeast Asian rice paddy.” Next, he added, “What a horrible death. I mean dying in a Japanese sushi pond is one thing, but…”

Switching topics, he told us that as soon as he quit Trump, he immediately went back to overseeing his two pacs, The John Bolton Pac and the John Bolton Super Pac, which just opened their third munitions factory. All are located next to elementary schools.

We told him that we’d heard he went to Yale Law School with Clarence Thomas and that they were still good friends. He acknowledged this by saying, “Clarence and I became close almost a year before he turned white.”

We inquired boldly, “Are you troubled by the fact that many people think you’re insane?”

“Look, after spending more than a year with Donald Trump, I feel like the poster boy for Mental Health Week.”


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