With yesterday’s 5-3 Supreme Court ruling overturning Texas’ restrictive abortion law, the state had its “Popeye moment,” screaming in unison, “That’s all I can stand ‘cause can’t stands no more.” The Lone Star State is going to secede from America. Celebrations have broken out across the land.

Texas’ favorite felon and current head of the State’s Commission to Attract More Tourism and Bigotry, Tom DeLay, is the movement’s leader. Said he, “If we can’t pass our religious bulls***t laws depriving women of their rights, then we can no longer protect our cherished values of close-mindedness and ignorance. If we accept this ruling, how long can it be until the men of Texas lose their right to domestic abuse?”

Former governor Rick Perry, as soon as he looked up the meaning of the word, “secede,” immediately joined the movement. He asked Delay to get him involved at the highest level. Delay told Perry that he has enough confidence in him to put him in charge of packing up the barbecue sauce.

DeLay was asked where all the Texans will be going. The former disgraced congressman said, “Ted Cruz, who goes to the same gun range as God, will be parting the Gulf of Mexico, which will allow us to march to the Yucatan peninsula. We’ll settle once we run the Mexicans off their land again. It should be great fun.”

It’s been rumored that once Texas is vacant, Donald Trump may build a massive theme park there called “Hate World”. It will feature “Thief Land” and a humongous water slide where white people will be able to bring their minorities, push them off the 60-foot tall slide and watch them enjoy the thrill ride which will open into a brick wall.
Ken Hecht

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