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Category: BROKEN NEWS

THE EASTER DUMMY

THE EASTER DUMMY

Last Monday, Donald Trump hosted the annual White House Easter egg roll. He spoke with the children long enough to distract them while Don Jr., Eric and Ivanka stole all the chocolate eggs.

Jared Kushner was not allowed to attend because he wanted to dress as the Easter matzoh.

Prior to the event, Trump’s aides brought in two revered Christian leaders to explain the meaning of Easter to him.

In attendance were three-hundred-year-old Pat Robertson and his caregiver. Billy Graham’s son, Franklin, was also there. Franklin has been crisscrossing the country on “Haters for Christ” crusade.

Trump entered and Graham asked if he knew what Easter celebrated. Trump replied, “It celebrates the Bunny of Death bypassing bunny houses and not stealing their carrots.

Graham: No sir. It celebrates the day that Christ rose from the grave.

Trump: Christ rose from the grave… You’re shitting me, right?

Graham: No, Mr. President, it’s true. Look at this picture.

Trump: It looks like a stick figure drawing of Stephen Miller crawling out of a grave again.

Graham: Again?

Trump: Right. We all need sex, don’t we?

Pat Robertson, who was being fed, spit food from his mouth as he shrieked, “It’s the gays’ fault. Damn the gays.” His caretaker spoke to him, “Here Reverend, let me clean the lima bean soup off your face.”

Robertson: Lima bean soup isn’t gay, is it?

Graham: No, Pat. That’s chicken noodle soup.

Robertson: Good. I don’t want any gayness in me… at least until I have to redecorate my home.

Graham: Mr. President, I’m sure you’re aware that on Easter, little girls put on white dresses.

Trump:  Ivanka does that for me. Then we go into the closet and play our special game.

Graham: Mr. Trump,  Easter is not about incest. Incest is wrong.

Trump: Maybe, but incest is better than no cest at all.

Robertson shouted, “Damn the transgenders.”

Trump: I think I’ve got this Easter thing, Reverend Graham.

He got up and headed to the door while chuckling… “Risen from the grave. Yeah, right.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

HOPE HICKS

HOPE HICKS

Hope Hicks, who Donald Trump gave the made-up job of “White House Director of Strategic Communications,” eventually left her fake job under a cloud.

After leaving, she knew she wanted to continue working in the same field. Seeking advice on this, she sought out Donald Trump because the plant in her office was dead.

When they met in the Oval Office, Hicks told Trump she really wanted to go into P.R. Trump asked, “What the hell do you want with Puerto Rico? I really f**ked them over. The place is a mess.”

She congratulated Trump on his achievement and then asked him if he would call Fox News in her behalf. He agreed and then told her that she had to be a real bigot and racist to work there. She reassured him that she was, saying, “I’m so bigoted that I even hate tan people.”

When Trump’s lunch arrived, not wanting to have Big Mac chunks spit on her, and fearing that her fingers might get too close to Trump’s mouth, she left immediately.

We caught up with Hicks just after the news broke that she’d been hired by Fox. She told us that her grandfather worked P.R. for Texaco, and her father worked for a major tobacco company. She feels blessed that her ability to disregard the environment and people’s health has come so easily to her.

We asked her about resigning from the White House exactly one day after her boyfriend, Rob Porter, left when it came to light that he’d physically abused his two ex-wives.

Hicks told us that she’d known about that in advance. We asked her what she saw in him and she replied, “I like consistency in my men, and what woman doesn’t love purple bruises on her face and arms?”

We wondered if Porter ever hit her. She looked wistful when she told us, “No. Our relationship was only about a week away from that. I feel cheated.”

We wanted to know if she had any self-respect.

She said proudly, “Of course not, I’m a Republican woman.”

theleftwinggazette.com

LEGAL EAGLE

LEGAL EAGLE

Donald Trump, after being turned down by every licensed and disbarred lawyer in America, finally found three that would defend him. Rudy Giuliani leads the new team. Trump was able to locate New York’s former mayor on his “Creeps Needing Work” app.

Giuliani, after graduating from New York’s prestigious “College of Legal Thuggery,” rose quickly to become a U.S. Attorney where he earned a reputation for prosecuting all manner of criminals. So dedicated was he that every morning when he looked in the mirror, he had himself arrested. Giuliani made so many visits to jail, and became so popular, that eventually he was allowed to pick his own husband.

In 1968, Giuliani married his second cousin. He did this because his first cousin turned him down. The couple was married for fourteen years and are the proud parents of three children with webbed feet. Rudy’s favorite is the one that was born without a tail.

Adding to the legend that is Rudy Giuliani, he once announced, publically, that he was divorcing his second wife without having told her in advance. Humiliating his wife this way met two of Trump’s most important requirements to be his friend: being devoid of decency and having less class than two dead flies.

Trump tried to enlist Chris Christie for his legal team, but the former New Jersey Governor is blocking a tunnel that runs between Jersey and New York. He got stuck while entering the Jersey side and it is hoped that rescue crews will be able to free him by late June. He’s in no real danger, as he’s being fed rectally. Christie, seizing this opportunity to lose weight, has requested that he be restricted to sixty-five-thousand calories a day.

Trump is happy to have Giuliani join him but not as happy as Sarah Sanders, who enjoys long walks on the beach, beautiful sunsets and making gentle love to things that slither.

This just in: Giuliani’s third wife just filed for divorce.

theleftwinggazette.com