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Category: BROKEN NEWS

PRE-EXISTING CONDITION

World-renowned immunologist Donald Trump recently declared himself healed of Covid19. Personally, I feel that the virus has failed us.

This is a difficult time for Trump as the polls are telling him his time for destroying America is coming to an end. But before leaving, this mouse of a man has leveled a horrific broadside at the country by nominating Amy Coney Barrett to be the next justice of the Supreme Court.

Barrett suffers from the pre-existing condition of close-mindedness and gender bigotry. She claims that she doesn’t, but unfortunately, she once clerked for Antonin Scalia and is basically Scalia in a dress. Only less hairy.

Barrett taught Civil Procedure and Constitutional law at her alma mater, Notre Dame. While there, she became the first known case of a woman developing stigmata, which she got in her wood-working class. She failed the class when her professor discovered that her wooden Jesus had termites. Distraught, she had her balsawood Jesus tented. She remained inside the tent with it and to this day, shows no visible signs of the poison gas affecting her.

Trump was having trouble deciding on whom to pick until Barrett won the swimsuit competition.

Knowing that her appointment will keep her extremely busy helping Trump’s Supreme Court rocket America back to the 1950s, she plans to have three more children this weekend. She is praying mightily that this new batch of FBAs (Future Bigots of America) will be born without tails.

 

theleftwinggazette.com

TRUMP’S LIPS

TRUMP’S LIPS

LEFT WING GAZETTE EXCLUSIVE: Still pushing Vladimir Putin’s lie about Ukraine tampering with our 2016 election, Trump has so endeared himself to the Russian that several weeks ago, Putin invited Trump for a secret visit to Moscow. Trump couldn’t resist hanging with his BFF and secretly flew to Russia.

As soon as the men greeted each other, Putin turned around and dropped his pants. Trump immediately fell to his knees and began smooching the dictator’s ass.

Afterward, the two thugs took to the streets and joined the “We Own America Now” celebration. The streets were jammed, and the leader and his sycophant truly bonded when Trump held Putin up so he could see the parade.

Next, they went to the Joseph Stalin Library and Abattoir. Trump looked confused and asked if it had anything to do with Abattoir and Costello. Putin mumbled “moron” under his breath.

The day was going splendidly until the excessive ass-kissing backfired when the Russian sat down and crushed Donald Trump’s lips.

This was particularly tragic for Trump as Putin had been gassy all day.

Both men were rushed to Brosky Teaching Hospital in Moscow. Brosky is a world-renowned medical facility that is famous for coining the phrase “Shitsky. I thought we were taking off the left leg.”

The Russian leader and the American Embarrassment were rushed into the hospital’s finest surgery room immediately after it was cleared of the chickens and goats.

A source who was present said that Trump never stopped talking even though his lips were locked onto Putin’s ass. The source said he believed that Trump was telling Putin, “I wov oo.”

A team of three surgeons, Alexi, Anatoly and Curly, all of whom made their actual livings selling smovoka tarts on street corners, were brought in.

Employing the latest Russian technology, the surgeons WD 40’d Trump’s lips and then tied each of his legs to mules, which then pulled him off of Putin.

Afterward, it took a while to figure out which ones were the mules and which one was Trump. The mules were insulted.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

KEN CUCCINELLI

KEN CUCCINELLI

Right-wing religious loon, Ken Cuccinelli, has been made Acting Director of Citizenship and Immigration Services. Another Republican who uses the Bible to promote hate and persecution, he is a perfect fit for Donald Trump’s sprint back to the 50’s team. Cuccinelli has denied being a bigot, saying, “I don’t dislike Jews more than necessary and I strongly support Black Lives Matter Somewhat.”

Cuccinelli almost failed Trump’s rigorous vetting and was almost denied the job because his lips have often been mistaken for Wheat Thins. They’re so flat that they’ve embarrassed him since he was a child when his uncle, Billy Bob Satan, used to make fun of them. He believes that the man who deflated Tom Brady’s balls did the same to his lips and has requested that Brady check his balls for fingerprints.

Trump feared he wouldn’t be able to feel Cuccinelli’s lips on his ass, but hired him after he promised he’d get weekly Botox injections.

Immediately after assuming office, Cuccinelli, a gifted literary talent, rewrote the poem found on the Statue of Liberty. He’s currently campaigning to change the iconic monument’s name to the “Statue of “Get the ‘F‘Out of Here”

Cuccinelli has staked out strong positions against homosexuality, bi-sexuality and sex without written permission. Believing that sex is the woman’s fault, he’s campaigned to outlaw estrogen except as a weed killer.

When he and his wife have sex, he insists that the Lawrence Welk music be turned up, that the room be pitch black and that he and his wife be blindfolded. This might account for them each having made passionate love to their clothes caddies, which have notably more warmth than they do.

It should be noted that they are a childless couple, so… Yay.

theleftwinggazette.com