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Category: BROKEN NEWS

KEN CUCCINELLI

KEN CUCCINELLI

Right-wing religious loon, Ken Cuccinelli, has been made Acting Director of Citizenship and Immigration Services. Another Republican who uses the Bible to promote hate and persecution, he is a perfect fit for Donald Trump’s sprint back to the 50’s team. Cuccinelli has denied being a bigot, saying, “I don’t dislike Jews more than necessary and I strongly support Black Lives Matter Somewhat.”

Cuccinelli almost failed Trump’s rigorous vetting and was almost denied the job because his lips have often been mistaken for Wheat Thins. They’re so flat that they’ve embarrassed him since he was a child when his uncle, Billy Bob Satan, used to make fun of them. He believes that the man who deflated Tom Brady’s balls did the same to his lips and has requested that Brady check his balls for fingerprints.

Trump feared he wouldn’t be able to feel Cuccinelli’s lips on his ass, but hired him after he promised he’d get weekly Botox injections.

Immediately after assuming office, Cuccinelli, a gifted literary talent, rewrote the poem found on the Statue of Liberty. He’s currently campaigning to change the iconic monument’s name to the “Statue of “Get the ‘F‘Out of Here”

Cuccinelli has staked out strong positions against homosexuality, bi-sexuality and sex without written permission. Believing that sex is the woman’s fault, he’s campaigned to outlaw estrogen except as a weed killer.

When he and his wife have sex, he insists that the Lawrence Welk music be turned up, that the room be pitch black and that he and his wife be blindfolded. This might account for them each having made passionate love to their clothes caddies, which have notably more warmth than they do.

It should be noted that they are a childless couple, so… Yay.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE EASTER DUMMY

THE EASTER DUMMY

Last Monday, Donald Trump hosted the annual White House Easter egg roll. He spoke with the children long enough to distract them while Don Jr., Eric and Ivanka stole all the chocolate eggs.

Jared Kushner was not allowed to attend because he wanted to dress as the Easter matzoh.

Prior to the event, Trump’s aides brought in two revered Christian leaders to explain the meaning of Easter to him.

In attendance were three-hundred-year-old Pat Robertson and his caregiver. Billy Graham’s son, Franklin, was also there. Franklin has been crisscrossing the country on “Haters for Christ” crusade.

Trump entered and Graham asked if he knew what Easter celebrated. Trump replied, “It celebrates the Bunny of Death bypassing bunny houses and not stealing their carrots.

Graham: No sir. It celebrates the day that Christ rose from the grave.

Trump: Christ rose from the grave… You’re shitting me, right?

Graham: No, Mr. President, it’s true. Look at this picture.

Trump: It looks like a stick figure drawing of Stephen Miller crawling out of a grave again.

Graham: Again?

Trump: Right. We all need sex, don’t we?

Pat Robertson, who was being fed, spit food from his mouth as he shrieked, “It’s the gays’ fault. Damn the gays.” His caretaker spoke to him, “Here Reverend, let me clean the lima bean soup off your face.”

Robertson: Lima bean soup isn’t gay, is it?

Graham: No, Pat. That’s chicken noodle soup.

Robertson: Good. I don’t want any gayness in me… at least until I have to redecorate my home.

Graham: Mr. President, I’m sure you’re aware that on Easter, little girls put on white dresses.

Trump:  Ivanka does that for me. Then we go into the closet and play our special game.

Graham: Mr. Trump,  Easter is not about incest. Incest is wrong.

Trump: Maybe, but incest is better than no cest at all.

Robertson shouted, “Damn the transgenders.”

Trump: I think I’ve got this Easter thing, Reverend Graham.

He got up and headed to the door while chuckling… “Risen from the grave. Yeah, right.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

HOPE HICKS

HOPE HICKS

Hope Hicks, who Donald Trump gave the made-up job of “White House Director of Strategic Communications,” eventually left her fake job under a cloud.

After leaving, she knew she wanted to continue working in the same field. Seeking advice on this, she sought out Donald Trump because the plant in her office was dead.

When they met in the Oval Office, Hicks told Trump she really wanted to go into P.R. Trump asked, “What the hell do you want with Puerto Rico? I really f**ked them over. The place is a mess.”

She congratulated Trump on his achievement and then asked him if he would call Fox News in her behalf. He agreed and then told her that she had to be a real bigot and racist to work there. She reassured him that she was, saying, “I’m so bigoted that I even hate tan people.”

When Trump’s lunch arrived, not wanting to have Big Mac chunks spit on her, and fearing that her fingers might get too close to Trump’s mouth, she left immediately.

We caught up with Hicks just after the news broke that she’d been hired by Fox. She told us that her grandfather worked P.R. for Texaco, and her father worked for a major tobacco company. She feels blessed that her ability to disregard the environment and people’s health has come so easily to her.

We asked her about resigning from the White House exactly one day after her boyfriend, Rob Porter, left when it came to light that he’d physically abused his two ex-wives.

Hicks told us that she’d known about that in advance. We asked her what she saw in him and she replied, “I like consistency in my men, and what woman doesn’t love purple bruises on her face and arms?”

We wondered if Porter ever hit her. She looked wistful when she told us, “No. Our relationship was only about a week away from that. I feel cheated.”

We wanted to know if she had any self-respect.

She said proudly, “Of course not, I’m a Republican woman.”

theleftwinggazette.com