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Category: FAKE NEWS

SPACE CADET

SPACE CADETS

Vice President Pence, recently charged by Robert Mueller for being excessively white, and a dozen swamp dwellers from Trump’s administration and family waited in the Oval Office for him to arrive to discuss his Space Force. Trump entered the room and said, “Brfojuge hbant cleedberf.”

Ivanka: Daddy, we can’t understand you. Maybe you should take your helmet off.

Trump removed it grudgingly and replied defensively:

Trump: Okay, but I’m not giving up my Space Force secret decoder ring.

Ivanka: Nobody’s asking you to do that. Just give me the helmet and I’ll put it right next to your Yo-Yo, your Slinky and your Whack a Whore.

Trump: Melania chose black for my space suit. She said it was slimming.

Pence: She was right, sir. You look very dashing, and more like Cheeto than ever.

Trump: Thanks Mike. You’re my favorite ass-kisser.

Pence beamed with pride.

Giuliani: Mr. President… I don’t think your air-hose is supposed to be inserted into your ass.

Trump: The air-hose stays, Rudy. It works better than fiber… Now about the Force… I’ll need a commander who understands aerospace stuff and especially the grave danger gravity poses to Americans.

Sarah Sanders: “Grave danger,” Mr. President?

Trump: Yes. Believe me, I speak from experience when I tell you that I know the damage gravity does to people. Remember, I’ve seen Stormy Daniels naked.

Ben Carson: Mr. President, every time I call the number you gave me for her, she hangs up.

Jeff Sessions: Maybe she doesn’t like colored people.

Carson: Who does? But what’s that got to do with me?

Trump: My Space Force, focus everyone… I’ve made a decision. I want either Flash Gordon or Luke Skywalker to run my program… Of course, Darth Vader would be more like me. Does anyone know if he ever got his asthma under control?

The group looked at each other. No one had the heart to tell him.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

TRUMP FAMILY WARMTH

TRUMP FAMILY WARMTH

With the walls closing in on Donald Trump and some of the voices in his head petitioning to be allowed to leave and live in the heads of better quality psychotics, the President looked for warmth and comfort in the bosom of his family.

Once gathered, they began with the long-established Trump tradition of sacrificing a minority child who would be seasoned and eaten for dinner later. Things got off to a rocky start when an argument flared between Eric and Don Jr., who argued over what kind of wine goes best with human.

When things settled down, Don Jr. began by sharing with the family his fears about going to jail for lying under oath to Congress.

Melania: I’m sure that won’t happen, Donnie, but just in case, I got you “Picking up Trash Along the Highway for Dummies.”

Don Jr.: Thanks for nothing, you Slobovian whore.

Melania: I’m from Slovenia. I’m a Slovenian whore, you moron.

Trump:  Listen, Jr., don’t worry, if you do go to jail, I’ll make sure a white supremacist marries you.

Jr.: You mean like Stephen Miller?

Trump: Well, I may not be able to find a bigger racist in prison than him, but I’ll try.

Jr.: Thanks pop.

Ivanka: Stop it. Stop this negative talk.

Trump: Don’t you yell at me, Blondie. I’m still pissed-off at you for closing your business when you could’ve just gone bankrupt and cheated a lot more hard-working people out of their money. Shame on you. Shame, shame.

Ivanka: Cut it out, daddy.

Trump: Or what?

Ivanka: Or I’m not going to play our special bathtub game with you anymore.

Trump: Okay, that’s enough… We’re going talk about the only important thing here? Me… What if the Democrats win the House? They could impeach me.

Don Jr.: That would never happen, dad.

Melania: The dimwit’s right, darling. American loves you for doing to them what you did to Stormy Daniels, that Playboy model, and everyone you’ve ever done business with.

Trump: You’re right, sweetheart… Okay, good talk everyone… Let’s eat. I call dibs on the kid’s tendons.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

RUDY’S MIND

RUDY’S MIND

Rudy Giuliani, Chief Consul to Liar in Chief, Donald Trump, graciously agreed to an interview with us.

Our first question was about his recent statement that collusion is not a crime.

Giuliani: That’s just more fake news. What I said was that Kahlua wasn’t a crime. And it’s not unless it’s smuggled in over the border by illegal Spanish-speaking sorts who bring it in along with pestilence, locusts, mites,  frogs, cholera, striped donkeys and Hillary Clinton’s illegal children that she had with Pancho Villa.

Us: Ground control to Major Tom, let’s move on… The other day, even Fox’s alleged news people couldn’t follow what you said. And these are accomplished and well-respected journalists who no longer throw their feces at walls more than twice a week. The things that you’ve said recently have led many to speculate that you may have lost your mind. Would you care to comment?

Giuliani: That’s absurd. Just because you don’t make any sense and have a little bit of your gerbil-smoothie in the corners of your mouth, people think you’ve got a problem. Well, I can assure you that my mind is still razor sharp.

Us: Okay. Can we-

Giuliani: Do you ever wonder who put the bomp-in-the-bomp-shu-bomp and who put ram in the rama-rama-ding-dong?

Us: Uh, no… Now, you were once a Democrat and even voted for George McGovern. That has led some to conjecture that you may actually have empathy and compassion for others.

Giuliani: Not so loud, dammit… Look, as I explained to Paul Ryan years ago when we were at a retreat on sacred Indian burial grounds,  I was very poor when I was young so I identified with people in need. But when I made it big, I became a Republican and adopted the party’s most sacred principle: “I’ve got mine so you can go screw yourself.”… You’ll have to excuse me now. I have to go look for my neck.

theleftwinggazette.com