Category: FAKE NEWS



Donald Trump keeps a diary. This is a little-known fact because I just made it up. Nonetheless, it still has more veracity to it than anything that comes out of his mouth.

His most recent personal thoughts:

“Dear Dairy: Went to Cape Canaveral on Wednesday with Melania, my lovely Slobovian wife. I was all set to become this first President to send astronauts to walk on Jupiter, but somehow, Joe Biden got Florida’s Seminole Indians to do a rain dance that caused much lightning and thunder.

The SpaceX launch had to be scrubbed, disappointing millions of mask-less and dedicated Trump voters who waited breathlessly while spiking fevers.

All that would have been bad enough, but the humidity down there caused Melania’s hare to frizz and hang limply. She wasn’t all that upset because she knows all about things that hang limply. Should an attack such as this happen to her again, I will cut off all funding to humidity.

I am bummed that those 100,000 fake dead people are causing my pole numbers to tank. People have started to suggest that I dump Mike Pence. Mike has been very loyal to me… like I give a crap. I have actually begun to wonder who would be the best Republican corpse to replace him with. Right now, my top choices are Susan Collins and Strom Thurmond.

I’ll tell you dairy… if I could feel bad for anyone other than myself, I’d feel that way for Melania. She deserves better than to go to Florida and be attacked by Joe-Sitting-Biden’s Indians … She’s a great wife and quite smart. It took me a while to see it, but she really is wise beyond her breasts.”






This past weekend, Donald Trump told us that he was facing the hardest decision of his presidency: And he struggled mightily trying to decide between ordering the Big Mac or the Double Quarter Pounder. He’s promised to announce his decision as soon as his I.R.S. audit is complete.

Trump invited Mike Pence, Jared and Ivanka to have lunch with him and shoot the breeze so that he could take his mind off of the virus and his falling poll numbers.

To put Trump in a good mood, Pence sucked up to him by asking, “Is your lovely ‘She’s-not-a-whore-wife’ feeling better?”

Ivanka: What’s wrong with Melvania?

Trump: She wasn’t feeling well and developed a boil.

Jared: Is she okay?

Trump: Yes. It turned out it was just an allergic reaction to not getting any new jewelry for a week.

Pence: God visits boils upon the morally bankrupt.

Trump: Mike, let me quote to you from the Book of Aphasia. Christ said unto his followers, “Enough of you never-ending babble. Or elsith.”

Pence: Sorry about the boil comment, sir.

Trump: If you want to make up for it, buy Melania a necklace.

Pence: A necklace?

Trump: Right. She wants something to hang around the boil.

Pence: With all due respect, I don’t believe in bling. It degrades and defiles us and I wouldn’t do that to her.

Ivanka: Relax, Mike. That happened when she married my father.

Trump: Thanks, Sweetheart.

Just then, A troubled Steve Mnuchin walked into the room

Mnuchin: Sir, your signature on the stimulus checks… You spelled your name wrong.






Upon his recent firing, John Bolton wanted to explain himself to the American people, but credible news outlets refused. We jumped at the chance as this paper’s founding principle is to protect the free speech of lunatics.

We weren’t comfortable with the idea of sitting down with him at first, but once he showed us that his rabies shots were current, we relaxed.

We went to his home where he graciously offered us Bloody Marys. Having heard the rumor that he uses real blood, we declined.

He then catapulted into defending his extremist hawkish stance on Iran. He told us that he didn’t come to his “bomb the crap out of em’” policy easily. Said he, “I asked myself the really hard question of, what would Dr. Strangelove do?”

We mentioned that he seemed very cavalier about killing people and reminded him that he’d dodged the draft during Viet Nam. He repeated what he’d told the Heritage Foundation in 2002 speech: “I had no desire to die in a Southeast Asian rice paddy.” Next, he added, “What a horrible death. I mean dying in a Japanese sushi pond is one thing, but…”

Switching topics, he told us that as soon as he quit Trump, he immediately went back to overseeing his two pacs, The John Bolton Pac and the John Bolton Super Pac, which just opened their third munitions factory. All are located next to elementary schools.

We told him that we’d heard he went to Yale Law School with Clarence Thomas and that they were still good friends. He acknowledged this by saying, “Clarence and I became close almost a year before he turned white.”

We inquired boldly, “Are you troubled by the fact that many people think you’re insane?”

“Look, after spending more than a year with Donald Trump, I feel like the poster boy for Mental Health Week.”