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Category: FAKE NEWS

BOLTON

BOLTON

Upon his recent firing, John Bolton wanted to explain himself to the American people, but credible news outlets refused. We jumped at the chance as this paper’s founding principle is to protect the free speech of lunatics.

We weren’t comfortable with the idea of sitting down with him at first, but once he showed us that his rabies shots were current, we relaxed.

We went to his home where he graciously offered us Bloody Marys. Having heard the rumor that he uses real blood, we declined.

He then catapulted into defending his extremist hawkish stance on Iran. He told us that he didn’t come to his “bomb the crap out of em’” policy easily. Said he, “I asked myself the really hard question of, what would Dr. Strangelove do?”

We mentioned that he seemed very cavalier about killing people and reminded him that he’d dodged the draft during Viet Nam. He repeated what he’d told the Heritage Foundation in 2002 speech: “I had no desire to die in a Southeast Asian rice paddy.” Next, he added, “What a horrible death. I mean dying in a Japanese sushi pond is one thing, but…”

Switching topics, he told us that as soon as he quit Trump, he immediately went back to overseeing his two pacs, The John Bolton Pac and the John Bolton Super Pac, which just opened their third munitions factory. All are located next to elementary schools.

We told him that we’d heard he went to Yale Law School with Clarence Thomas and that they were still good friends. He acknowledged this by saying, “Clarence and I became close almost a year before he turned white.”

We inquired boldly, “Are you troubled by the fact that many people think you’re insane?”

“Look, after spending more than a year with Donald Trump, I feel like the poster boy for Mental Health Week.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

SOCIAL MEDIA SUMMIT

SOCIAL MEDIA SUMMIT

Donald Trump hosted a “social media summit” at the White House last Thursday. Dozens of right-wing conspiracy theorists and internet bottom feeders, many off their meds, attended.

When the right-wingers entered they were given complimentary Donald Trump autographed brooms to add to the ones already occupying their tight Republican asses. They were appreciative, but many complained that the brooms didn’t have enough splinters. They immediately blamed Obama.

The throng was delighted to discover entertainment had been planned for them in the form of a swimsuit competition. When their votes were in, the winner was Sarah Sanders. She’d gotten just one vote more than Mitch McConnell. Some believed McConnell would have won if he hadn’t tripped over his chins. Sanders, always her gracious self, accepted her award and thanked the makers of Spandex.

When the attendees were all settled on or under their seats, Kellyanne Conway demonstrated the correct way to pucker before kissing Trump’s rear end. “Rear end” is, of course, a misnomer because his rear doesn’t ever actually end.

Trump entered to thunderous applause and immediately bragged to the gathered that he’d just come up with his 2020 campaign slogan: “Slavery, what is it good for? Lots.”

He then began to whine about the many “fake news” plots against him and told the twisted bloggers and podcasters that they were his mainline of defense against the truth. When he added, “The crap you think of is unbelievable,” they stood and cheered. One even called back, “The crap you marry is unbelievable, too.” Trump responded, “Thank you for noticing.”

Trump acknowledged well-known bigot Sebastian Gorka. He stood and bemoaned the fact that the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team is out to destroy all the goodness and decency in America.

Trump piped up, “I don’t need those broads’ help. I’m just one election away from doing that myself.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE


INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE

Prior to departing for Orlando to kick off his 2020 campaign, America’s fake President sat down with The Left Wing Gazette, America’s most honored fake newspaper.

Us: Mr. Trump, would you care to comment on having to withdraw acting Secretary of Defense Patrick Shanahan’s nomination?

Trump: Well, it’s the nation’s loss, really. I know Patrick and he was somewhat qualified for the job and would have served America adequately.

Us: What about his family’s domestic violence problem?

Trump: It’s not clear what happened there, but I want every American to know that I’m against domestic violence and that men must learn not to beat their wives any more than necessary.

Us: Great advice, sir… How do you feel about Sarah Sanders stepping down as your press secretary?

Trump: Well, of course, I’ll really miss her.

Us: Perhaps you’ll be reunited in Hell.

Trump: I’ll have to talk to Satan about that when we have lunch next week.… Lips, the only ones softer on my ass than Sarah’s were those of fake Christians like Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson… My re-election hinges on my Bible buds continuing to spread hate as the word of God.

Us: Have you ever actually read the Bible, sir?

Trump: I don’t need to. Charlton Heston’s a great friend of mine. I’m even thinking of nominating him to be our new Secretary of Defense.

Us: He’s been dead for over ten years, sir.

Trump: Too bad. He’d have closed the chariot gap with our enemies, England and France.

Us: Forgetting politics for a moment, we were wondering why the Trumps don’t have a dog.

Trump: What a dumb question. A dog would take attention away from me. And dogs are shit machines. They’re stupid and they crap all over everything. I’ve got Don Jr. for that.

Us: Is that why you have plastic slipcovers on the White House couches?

Trump: That and the fact that he sheds, too… And just for the record, I once had a dog.

Us: What happened?

Trump: It coughed.

theleftwinggazette.com