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Category: FAKE NEWS

BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR

BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR

Donald Trump, in order to distract from being found out as the worst businessman in the history of the world, will again embark on another of his pathetic ego boosting tours.

His favorite “Hate is Great Tour” was recently held in Ohio where he bragged to his followers about his latest award from Satan for being the greatest “fraud” in history since Milli Vanilli and Bernie Madoff.

Trump’s latest honor was achieved by telling over ten thousand lies in less than 2 years. As a reward, the Devil assured his bloated disciple that he will, upon Trump’s arrival in hell, furnish him with a death-time supply of idiots stupid enough to believe whatever comes out of his mouth. Even if it’s pieces of a Big Mac.

Lucifer also guaranteed Trump a never-ending stream of racist morons who will applaud his abuse of the English language and disassociated ramblings while continually praising his acts of Presidential cruelty.

Trump told the room that Satan greatly appreciates the way many of them have prostituted Jesus’s teachings to fit their hate-mongering. To accommodate these people,  the Devil, as he awaits their arrival, will enlarge the Strom Thurmond wing of hell.

The applause was deafening.

The President then told everyone, “It’s the Democrats’ fault that Satan has gotten a bad rap for so long. The Devil is an inspiration to all people without morals or a conscience, which includes my entire family and everyone working in the White House, most especially Stephen Miller who I applaud for being the world’s leading self-hating Jew.”

Hearing the word, “Jew” the crowd began jumping around wildly and chanting, “Down with unleavened bread.” Several in the crowd tried nailing a piece of matzoh to a cross, but it kept breaking.

Prior to introducing Ted Nugent and his “Musical Hate Band,” and after lauding his own skills as a businessman, Trump left the stage and walked among his followers asking, “Can anyone loan me a few dollars?”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

SPACE CADET

SPACE CADETS

Vice President Pence, recently charged by Robert Mueller for being excessively white, and a dozen swamp dwellers from Trump’s administration and family waited in the Oval Office for him to arrive to discuss his Space Force. Trump entered the room and said, “Brfojuge hbant cleedberf.”

Ivanka: Daddy, we can’t understand you. Maybe you should take your helmet off.

Trump removed it grudgingly and replied defensively:

Trump: Okay, but I’m not giving up my Space Force secret decoder ring.

Ivanka: Nobody’s asking you to do that. Just give me the helmet and I’ll put it right next to your Yo-Yo, your Slinky and your Whack a Whore.

Trump: Melania chose black for my space suit. She said it was slimming.

Pence: She was right, sir. You look very dashing, and more like Cheeto than ever.

Trump: Thanks Mike. You’re my favorite ass-kisser.

Pence beamed with pride.

Giuliani: Mr. President… I don’t think your air-hose is supposed to be inserted into your ass.

Trump: The air-hose stays, Rudy. It works better than fiber… Now about the Force… I’ll need a commander who understands aerospace stuff and especially the grave danger gravity poses to Americans.

Sarah Sanders: “Grave danger,” Mr. President?

Trump: Yes. Believe me, I speak from experience when I tell you that I know the damage gravity does to people. Remember, I’ve seen Stormy Daniels naked.

Ben Carson: Mr. President, every time I call the number you gave me for her, she hangs up.

Jeff Sessions: Maybe she doesn’t like colored people.

Carson: Who does? But what’s that got to do with me?

Trump: My Space Force, focus everyone… I’ve made a decision. I want either Flash Gordon or Luke Skywalker to run my program… Of course, Darth Vader would be more like me. Does anyone know if he ever got his asthma under control?

The group looked at each other. No one had the heart to tell him.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

TRUMP FAMILY WARMTH

TRUMP FAMILY WARMTH

With the walls closing in on Donald Trump and some of the voices in his head petitioning to be allowed to leave and live in the heads of better quality psychotics, the President looked for warmth and comfort in the bosom of his family.

Once gathered, they began with the long-established Trump tradition of sacrificing a minority child who would be seasoned and eaten for dinner later. Things got off to a rocky start when an argument flared between Eric and Don Jr., who argued over what kind of wine goes best with human.

When things settled down, Don Jr. began by sharing with the family his fears about going to jail for lying under oath to Congress.

Melania: I’m sure that won’t happen, Donnie, but just in case, I got you “Picking up Trash Along the Highway for Dummies.”

Don Jr.: Thanks for nothing, you Slobovian whore.

Melania: I’m from Slovenia. I’m a Slovenian whore, you moron.

Trump:  Listen, Jr., don’t worry, if you do go to jail, I’ll make sure a white supremacist marries you.

Jr.: You mean like Stephen Miller?

Trump: Well, I may not be able to find a bigger racist in prison than him, but I’ll try.

Jr.: Thanks pop.

Ivanka: Stop it. Stop this negative talk.

Trump: Don’t you yell at me, Blondie. I’m still pissed-off at you for closing your business when you could’ve just gone bankrupt and cheated a lot more hard-working people out of their money. Shame on you. Shame, shame.

Ivanka: Cut it out, daddy.

Trump: Or what?

Ivanka: Or I’m not going to play our special bathtub game with you anymore.

Trump: Okay, that’s enough… We’re going talk about the only important thing here? Me… What if the Democrats win the House? They could impeach me.

Don Jr.: That would never happen, dad.

Melania: The dimwit’s right, darling. American loves you for doing to them what you did to Stormy Daniels, that Playboy model, and everyone you’ve ever done business with.

Trump: You’re right, sweetheart… Okay, good talk everyone… Let’s eat. I call dibs on the kid’s tendons.

theleftwinggazette.com