Navigation

Category: FAKE NEWS

SOCIAL MEDIA SUMMIT

SOCIAL MEDIA SUMMIT

Donald Trump hosted a “social media summit” at the White House last Thursday. Dozens of right-wing conspiracy theorists and internet bottom feeders, many off their meds, attended.

When the right-wingers entered they were given complimentary Donald Trump autographed brooms to add to the ones already occupying their tight Republican asses. They were appreciative, but many complained that the brooms didn’t have enough splinters. They immediately blamed Obama.

The throng was delighted to discover entertainment had been planned for them in the form of a swimsuit competition. When their votes were in, the winner was Sarah Sanders. She’d gotten just one vote more than Mitch McConnell. Some believed McConnell would have won if he hadn’t tripped over his chins. Sanders, always her gracious self, accepted her award and thanked the makers of Spandex.

When the attendees were all settled on or under their seats, Kellyanne Conway demonstrated the correct way to pucker before kissing Trump’s rear end. “Rear end” is, of course, a misnomer because his rear doesn’t ever actually end.

Trump entered to thunderous applause and immediately bragged to the gathered that he’d just come up with his 2020 campaign slogan: “Slavery, what is it good for? Lots.”

He then began to whine about the many “fake news” plots against him and told the twisted bloggers and podcasters that they were his mainline of defense against the truth. When he added, “The crap you think of is unbelievable,” they stood and cheered. One even called back, “The crap you marry is unbelievable, too.” Trump responded, “Thank you for noticing.”

Trump acknowledged well-known bigot Sebastian Gorka. He stood and bemoaned the fact that the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team is out to destroy all the goodness and decency in America.

Trump piped up, “I don’t need those broads’ help. I’m just one election away from doing that myself.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE


INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE

Prior to departing for Orlando to kick off his 2020 campaign, America’s fake President sat down with The Left Wing Gazette, America’s most honored fake newspaper.

Us: Mr. Trump, would you care to comment on having to withdraw acting Secretary of Defense Patrick Shanahan’s nomination?

Trump: Well, it’s the nation’s loss, really. I know Patrick and he was somewhat qualified for the job and would have served America adequately.

Us: What about his family’s domestic violence problem?

Trump: It’s not clear what happened there, but I want every American to know that I’m against domestic violence and that men must learn not to beat their wives any more than necessary.

Us: Great advice, sir… How do you feel about Sarah Sanders stepping down as your press secretary?

Trump: Well, of course, I’ll really miss her.

Us: Perhaps you’ll be reunited in Hell.

Trump: I’ll have to talk to Satan about that when we have lunch next week.… Lips, the only ones softer on my ass than Sarah’s were those of fake Christians like Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson… My re-election hinges on my Bible buds continuing to spread hate as the word of God.

Us: Have you ever actually read the Bible, sir?

Trump: I don’t need to. Charlton Heston’s a great friend of mine. I’m even thinking of nominating him to be our new Secretary of Defense.

Us: He’s been dead for over ten years, sir.

Trump: Too bad. He’d have closed the chariot gap with our enemies, England and France.

Us: Forgetting politics for a moment, we were wondering why the Trumps don’t have a dog.

Trump: What a dumb question. A dog would take attention away from me. And dogs are shit machines. They’re stupid and they crap all over everything. I’ve got Don Jr. for that.

Us: Is that why you have plastic slipcovers on the White House couches?

Trump: That and the fact that he sheds, too… And just for the record, I once had a dog.

Us: What happened?

Trump: It coughed.

theleftwinggazette.com

BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR

BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR

Donald Trump, in order to distract from being found out as the worst businessman in the history of the world, will again embark on another of his pathetic ego boosting tours.

His favorite “Hate is Great Tour” was recently held in Ohio where he bragged to his followers about his latest award from Satan for being the greatest “fraud” in history since Milli Vanilli and Bernie Madoff.

Trump’s latest honor was achieved by telling over ten thousand lies in less than 2 years. As a reward, the Devil assured his bloated disciple that he will, upon Trump’s arrival in hell, furnish him with a death-time supply of idiots stupid enough to believe whatever comes out of his mouth. Even if it’s pieces of a Big Mac.

Lucifer also guaranteed Trump a never-ending stream of racist morons who will applaud his abuse of the English language and disassociated ramblings while continually praising his acts of Presidential cruelty.

Trump told the room that Satan greatly appreciates the way many of them have prostituted Jesus’s teachings to fit their hate-mongering. To accommodate these people,  the Devil, as he awaits their arrival, will enlarge the Strom Thurmond wing of hell.

The applause was deafening.

The President then told everyone, “It’s the Democrats’ fault that Satan has gotten a bad rap for so long. The Devil is an inspiration to all people without morals or a conscience, which includes my entire family and everyone working in the White House, most especially Stephen Miller who I applaud for being the world’s leading self-hating Jew.”

Hearing the word, “Jew” the crowd began jumping around wildly and chanting, “Down with unleavened bread.” Several in the crowd tried nailing a piece of matzoh to a cross, but it kept breaking.

Prior to introducing Ted Nugent and his “Musical Hate Band,” and after lauding his own skills as a businessman, Trump left the stage and walked among his followers asking, “Can anyone loan me a few dollars?”

theleftwinggazette.com