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Category: Important Stuff

TEMPER

TEMPER

The venom that powers Donald Trump’s White House finally leaked out into the public with Johns Kelly and Bolton engaging  in an abusive shouting match in front of people this week.  It got ugly when Kelly told Bolton, “Pick two fingers” and then poked Bolton in the eyes after he did.

There’s an old saying, “The fish rots from the head down,” so their behavior is understandable considering the big blowfish in the Oval Office. Trump has himself engaged in many boisterous arguments with his advisors, his pollsters and several trees. Furious that the trees always win the arguments, the ones with origins in Hispanic countries have been deported, and their young cuttings have been sent to detention camps in Texas.

Kelly, who taught anger management at Trump University, obviously has his own issues in this area. He once grabbed former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski by the collar. Before the two could engage in a “slime-off,” the Secret Service separated them.

Anger is prevalent in this White House, not the least of which comes from Sarah Sanders, who is livid that no one warned her that telling constant lies puts on weight.

Trump called a meeting to discuss this and several other current problems. He was annoyed when Stephen Miller arrived late, but forgave his favorite advisor upon learning that he had just come from the annual Joseph Goebbels Bake Sale.

Self-hating Jew Jared Kushner, asked self-hating Jew Stephen Miller, “Did you bring me a Bobka?”  Miller gave a thumbs up.

Trump cautioned all present about fighting openly. “Remember,” he said, “the whole point of my Presidency is to set ordinary Americans at each other’s throats so they won’t realize they live under a dictatorship until it’s too late… Now, where are your suggestions on how I can further divide the country?”

The entire room began trampling each other trying to get their written in crayon suggestions to the President.

Trump thought to himself, “Ah, these are my people.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

JUDGE BARLEY and HOPS

JUDGE BARLEY and HOPS

Donald Trump, to help reassure himself of his support for his Supreme Court nominee, invited Brett Kavanaugh to the White House to join him, Mitch McConnell and a number of other Republicans who currently reside in the 16th century. It took Chuck Grassley a lot longer to get there because he resides in the 14th century.

Seconds before the meeting was to begin, an aide entered and whispered in Trump’s ear. Trump smiled and said to the room, “I’ve just been told that all the beer in the White House has been locked up. I hope that’s all right with you, Judge.”

Kavanaugh: Of course (belch) it is.

Trump: The first thing I need to know Brett is do you hate women?

Kavanaugh: No more than necessary.

Trump: Good answer.

Grassley: Judge Kavanaugh, why does your water pitcher have foam on the top?

Kavanaugh: Senator, you have my word that this is 100% natural water from Budweiser Springs.

McConnell: I believe you, Your Honor… I think that your image is suffering because of many people describing you as a mean drunk with a temper.

Kavanaugh: F**k you, ‘Jowl man.’ I don’t have a Goddamn temper. You want a temper, call Lindsey Graham.

Kellyanne Conway: Judge, many women have been sexually assaulted, including me.

Trump: I can see that. You must have been attractive once.

Kellyanne: Thanks as always for your sensitivity, sir. The point I was trying to make is that it might help the way women see you if you showed them a little more empathy.

Trump: What’s empathy?

John Kelly: I’ll explain it to you later, Mr. President, and I’ll use your “Astro Boy” dictionary.

Trump: Yay.

Grassley: I read that you will no longer be allowed to teach at Harvard. I’m sure you’re furious about that, but you can’t go ballistic until after you join the Court.

Kavanaugh: Not a problem, and I’m not mad at Harvard. They’re great. They assured me I could still come to their keggers (belch).

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

 

 

PRISONER 45343

PRISONER 45343

Last Friday, federal judge Amy Berman Jackson revoked Paul Manafort’s bail for jury tampering. Manafort is, of course, one of Donald Trump’s closest friends. The two men enjoy each other’s company so much that once a year they travel to the New Mexican desert to bond by slithering under rocks and shedding their skins.

Prior to his sentencing, Manafort became emotional in the courtroom when he begged the judge to show mercy while telling her that it was un-American to separate millionaires from their families.

Before Manafort was taken to jail, authorities removed his two ankle monitors. Moments later, as he was being led away, the authorities couldn’t find the ankle monitors.

When he arrived at the jail in Virginia, Manafort, who will steal anything that’s not nailed down, thought he’d put one over on his captors, but his plan was foiled when the monitors were recovered during his strip search.

The authorities had already taken his belt and tie from him in order to prevent his attempting suicide. Manafort taunted his captors by telling them, “At least you can’t take my morals or principles away from me.”

Upon hearing this, Satan called his BFF, Donald Trump, and asked him to thank Manafort for the best laugh he’d had, “since you were elected President.”

Manafort was sent to the jail’s VIP unit. VIP is known in the American Penal System as “Very Important Pigs.” The pig unit is easily identifiable by the picture of Scott Pruitt hanging above the entrance.

Most of the jail’s population was saddened when they learned that Manafort would be isolated, as they had already picked Bubba Goldstein to be his husband.

When Manafort entered his cell, he realized the he was the only person in the entire VIP unit. Knowing that he had no one to cheat or steal from, he became furious and began cursing and spitting at the guards. They returned his belt and tie to him.

theleftwinggazette.com