THE BIBLE AND THE POLLS
Mike Pence suggested to Donald Trump that they hold a prayer session in order to turn the polls in his favor.
Trump asked, “Do you think it’ll help?” Pence replied, “Absolutely. Praying is how we wiped out the Covid-19, isn’t it?”
Trump: Right. Let’s do a praying tomorrow… Hey Mike, can you bring a couple of Christians and a lion? I’ve always wanted to see that.
Pence pretended not to hear him.
The following day, he brought Joel Osteen along. He’d also arranged for Pat Robertson to participate via Zoom.
Robertson, spittle coming out of his mouth, shouted, “It’s the homosexuals’ fault.”
As Trump played with his Slinky, Pence began the session with: “God, our deep and abiding faith in you tells us that you are amongst us now.
Trump: Hang on. I don’t see God here.
Joel Osteen: Sir, the Lord is never seen, but-
Trump: What’re you talking about? I’ve seen him.
Trump: In those churches I visit to con people into thinking I’m religious… He’s the guy hanging from that t-square thing, wearing a shrubbery on his head… But what’s the deal with his palms? Can’t he afford Band-Aids?
Pat Robertson bellowed, “It’s the homosexuals’ fault.”
Trump: I don’t want to miss lunch. Melania just got me a new trough… I’ll lead the damn prayer… Our dear Jesse Christ, cut us a break with this fake polls crap. Amen… I’m all prayed out.
Osteen, his net-worth down to six billion dollars, handed a collection plate to Pence who, after putting five dollars in it, handed it to Trump, who put the fiver in his pocket. As Trump got up to walk out, Pat Robertson bellowed, “It’s the Homosexuals’ fault.”
Praise the Lord.