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THE BIBLE and the POLLS

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THE BIBLE AND THE POLLS

Mike Pence suggested to Donald Trump that they hold a prayer session in order to turn the polls in his favor.

Trump asked, “Do you think it’ll help?”  Pence replied, “Absolutely. Praying is how we wiped out the Covid-19, isn’t it?”

Trump: Right. Let’s do a praying tomorrow… Hey Mike, can you bring a couple of Christians and a lion? I’ve always wanted to see that.

Pence pretended not to hear him.

The following day, he brought Joel Osteen along. He’d also arranged for Pat Robertson to participate via Zoom.

Robertson, spittle coming out of his mouth, shouted, “It’s the homosexuals’ fault.”

As Trump played with his Slinky, Pence began the session with: “God, our deep and abiding faith in you tells us that you are amongst us now.

Trump: Hang on. I don’t see God here.

Joel Osteen: Sir, the Lord is never seen, but-

Trump: What’re you talking about? I’ve seen him.

Osteen: Where?

Trump: In those churches I visit to con people into thinking I’m religious… He’s the guy hanging from that t-square thing, wearing a shrubbery on his head… But what’s the deal with his palms? Can’t he afford Band-Aids?

Pat Robertson bellowed, “It’s the homosexuals’ fault.”

Trump: I don’t want to miss lunch. Melania just got me a new trough… I’ll lead the damn prayer… Our dear Jesse Christ, cut us a break with this fake polls crap. Amen… I’m all prayed out.

Osteen, his net-worth down to six billion dollars, handed a collection plate to Pence who, after putting five dollars in it, handed it to Trump, who put the fiver in his pocket. As Trump got up to walk out, Pat Robertson bellowed, “It’s the Homosexuals’ fault.”

Praise the Lord.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

TRUMP’S NEW ADVISORS

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TRUMP’S NEW ADVISORS

Worldwide laughingstock Donald Trump, hoping to stop his precipitous self-inflicted drop in the polls, fired his advisors for asking him to scrap his newest suggestion for eradicating the virus by injecting people with Roundup Weed Killer.

Enraged, he immediately fired his team and arranged a meeting with his hand-picked new one.

Trump: Now, each of you has been chosen for your particular area of expertise. Who wants to speak first?

Moe: Me, sir. Pick two fingers.

Trump: Uh, okay… Ouch, you poked me in my eyes.

Curly: Hey Moe, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, he’s dumber than me.

Moe: I know, knucklehead, and if I can train him to throw pies, you’ll have nothing to do in the act.

Larry: “Nothing to do in the act?” That’s my job.

Trump: That’s enough. We’re here to discuss ways to put an end to this Democratic hoax virus.

Dr. Strangelove: With all due respect Mein Fuhrer, I’ve never heard of a hoax that runs a fever, but remember, we have precision bombs that wipe out dangerous things like viruses and minorities.

Trump: Good. I like it.

Lou Costello: I’m curious, does anyone know who’s got the virus?

Abbott: Who doesn’t have the virus. Who has a cold. Why has the virus.

Costello: How come?

Abbott: Forget how come. He’s just cranky.

Costello: Why’s he cranky?

Abbott: No, why has the virus. Forget-

They were interrupted by:

Professor Irwin Corey: As your advisor, sir, I must, though not altogether or even partially agreeing with the team’s veracity, feel that with constant and exploratory discourse and finesse and other things, we may just arouse success in a sufficient quantity to focus on the endemic implications of the pandemic.

Trump leaped to his feet.

Trump: Finally, someone who speaks my language.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

 

PLAYING CATCH-UP

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PLAYING CATCH-UP

Donald Trump summoned some of his top sycophants along with Anthony Fauci to the White House’s newly redecorated Lying My Ass Off Room. As they entered, they passed by a whiteboard with the up-to-date total for the pandemic. “1 dead and 4 infected.”

Trump: Now listen, I’m sick of people whining ‘covid this and covid that. What do they want from me? I’m doing everything I can. Last week, I even called Alex Rodriguez for advice.

Fauci: The baseball player?

Trump: That’s right.

Fauci: What did he tell you to do?

Trump: Bunt.

Under his breath, Fauci mumbled, “Moron.”

Trump: Now listen, I’m sick of people whining ‘covid this and covid that.’ Geez, what a bunch of weenies. You’d think they had bone spurs or something.

Ivanka: But daddy, it’s a real tragedy. Wealthy people are dying too.

Trump: Really, dead rich people? Jared, find out where the bodies are stored, go there and take their wallets.

Kushner: Halfsies?

Trump: Ivanka, did you have to marry a Jew?… Now listen up, Fauci, ‘A hundred-thousand people.’… I told the truth today and millions of Republicans became even more confused than usual. So, I’m throwing it into reverse and issuing an executive order that mandates people to get into crowded elevators immediately.

Graham: It might help if you led by example, sir. Would you be willing to get into a crowded elevator?

Trump: Lindsey, if I’m in an elevator, believe me, it’s crowded.

Fauci: Tell me you dumb fu*k, how did you get this stupid in just one lifetime?

Trump: Blow me, Fauci.

Pence: Uh, perhaps this would be a good time for prayer.

Trump: Okay, fine. I’ll lead us with one of my favorite Christian hymns… ‘Oh Jesus boy the pipes the pipes are calling…’

theleftwinggazette.com