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Category: Important Stuff

RUDY SPEAKS

Rudy Giuliani, when told we were a nonexistent newspaper and appreciated being lied to, consented to meet with us as he rode to work in his New York office.

His limo driver picked us up first. When the car arrived at his home, the President’s lawyer and obfuscator climbed in. The driver asked, “Where to, sir?”

Rudy: 55th and Park.

Driver: 55th and Park, right.

Rudy: I meant 34th and Broadway.

Driver: No problem.

Rudy: Step on it. I need to be at 57 and Ninth ASAP.

Us: Thank you for agreeing to meet with us.

Rudy: Of course, I have great respect for “Time Magazine.” Now, the first thing I want you to know was that President Trump, in his never-ending quest to be transparent, wanted to join us on a conference call, but he’s in the Oval Office taking orders from his co-Presidents, Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh.

Us: That’s a lot of venom in just one office.

Ignoring us, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a list.

Rudy: I have to tell you that the press has been very unfair to the President. While Donald Trump is no Paul Manafort, he a fine portly man. Let me read to you all of the things Donald Trump is not guilty of… “The Hindenburg disaster, the Sacco and Vanzetti murders and he’s definitely not guilty of ever having read a book.”

Us: We can believe that…  Being an alleged newspaper, we’re interested in how you feel about your boss stopping Sarah Sanders’ press conferences?

Rudy: It’s wonderful. Sarah is suffering from fibber-fatigue and needs the rest.

Us: So, what is she doing with her free time?

Rudy: Well, since she’s the only person in the President’s administration who hasn’t used their position to make money for themselves, she’s writing a weight loss book.

Us: A weight loss book?

Rudy: Yes. The “South Bitch Diet.”

Driver: We’re here, Mr. Giuliani.

Giuliani looked out the window and screamed, “I said 46th and Madison, you idiot. Now take us to 52nd and First.”

theleftwinggazette.

 

 

TEMPER

TEMPER

The venom that powers Donald Trump’s White House finally leaked out into the public with Johns Kelly and Bolton engaging  in an abusive shouting match in front of people this week.  It got ugly when Kelly told Bolton, “Pick two fingers” and then poked Bolton in the eyes after he did.

There’s an old saying, “The fish rots from the head down,” so their behavior is understandable considering the big blowfish in the Oval Office. Trump has himself engaged in many boisterous arguments with his advisors, his pollsters and several trees. Furious that the trees always win the arguments, the ones with origins in Hispanic countries have been deported, and their young cuttings have been sent to detention camps in Texas.

Kelly, who taught anger management at Trump University, obviously has his own issues in this area. He once grabbed former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski by the collar. Before the two could engage in a “slime-off,” the Secret Service separated them.

Anger is prevalent in this White House, not the least of which comes from Sarah Sanders, who is livid that no one warned her that telling constant lies puts on weight.

Trump called a meeting to discuss this and several other current problems. He was annoyed when Stephen Miller arrived late, but forgave his favorite advisor upon learning that he had just come from the annual Joseph Goebbels Bake Sale.

Self-hating Jew Jared Kushner, asked self-hating Jew Stephen Miller, “Did you bring me a Bobka?”  Miller gave a thumbs up.

Trump cautioned all present about fighting openly. “Remember,” he said, “the whole point of my Presidency is to set ordinary Americans at each other’s throats so they won’t realize they live under a dictatorship until it’s too late… Now, where are your suggestions on how I can further divide the country?”

The entire room began trampling each other trying to get their written in crayon suggestions to the President.

Trump thought to himself, “Ah, these are my people.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

JUDGE BARLEY and HOPS

JUDGE BARLEY and HOPS

Donald Trump, to help reassure himself of his support for his Supreme Court nominee, invited Brett Kavanaugh to the White House to join him, Mitch McConnell and a number of other Republicans who currently reside in the 16th century. It took Chuck Grassley a lot longer to get there because he resides in the 14th century.

Seconds before the meeting was to begin, an aide entered and whispered in Trump’s ear. Trump smiled and said to the room, “I’ve just been told that all the beer in the White House has been locked up. I hope that’s all right with you, Judge.”

Kavanaugh: Of course (belch) it is.

Trump: The first thing I need to know Brett is do you hate women?

Kavanaugh: No more than necessary.

Trump: Good answer.

Grassley: Judge Kavanaugh, why does your water pitcher have foam on the top?

Kavanaugh: Senator, you have my word that this is 100% natural water from Budweiser Springs.

McConnell: I believe you, Your Honor… I think that your image is suffering because of many people describing you as a mean drunk with a temper.

Kavanaugh: F**k you, ‘Jowl man.’ I don’t have a Goddamn temper. You want a temper, call Lindsey Graham.

Kellyanne Conway: Judge, many women have been sexually assaulted, including me.

Trump: I can see that. You must have been attractive once.

Kellyanne: Thanks as always for your sensitivity, sir. The point I was trying to make is that it might help the way women see you if you showed them a little more empathy.

Trump: What’s empathy?

John Kelly: I’ll explain it to you later, Mr. President, and I’ll use your “Astro Boy” dictionary.

Trump: Yay.

Grassley: I read that you will no longer be allowed to teach at Harvard. I’m sure you’re furious about that, but you can’t go ballistic until after you join the Court.

Kavanaugh: Not a problem, and I’m not mad at Harvard. They’re great. They assured me I could still come to their keggers (belch).

theleftwinggazette.com