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TRUMP’S TAXES

TRUMP’S TAXES

Multiple national polls show that a majority of Americas want Donald Trump to reveal his taxes. A majority of Americans also want him to spontaneously combust.

Trump claims that The New York Times is working in cahoots with the IRS. Trump once told CNN’s Chris Cuomo that he believes that the tax collectors may have it in for him because he’s a “Strong Christian.” Trump went on to say that his unshakable faith is derived from the Bible in the “Book of Capone,” which is the only sacred book that lets you connect the dots.

What Trump likes least in the Bible is “The Book of Shoop-Shoop,” which opens with “Beware the orange tax cheat, for he shall poison the soil and befoul your water supply.” The book goes on to impart further wisdom, stating, “If you want to know if he loves you so it’s in his kiss – that’s where it is.”

The Left Wing Gazette has obtained the first 26000 pages of the President’s 2012 tax return.

Trump claims his wife, sons Eric and Barron and daughter Ivanka as dependants. He claims Donald Jr. as a total loss. The IRS allowed the deduction, after genetic testing confirmed that Don Jr. came from the part of the gene pool that little children pee in.

Trump claimed charitable deductions of twelve-million dollars. All but forty-seven dollars were disallowed. The forty-seven dollars were actually donated to the Kellyanne Conway Home for Grinning Idiots.

The IRS is still deciding if Trump can deduct his Agent Orange Tanning Cream.

Trump has always been a big fan of both Sarin gas and Agent Orange.  Being a more deadly carcinogenic than either of those, he has recently said he’d like to drop the Vietnam-era weapon on Iran.

This week’s acting Secretary of Defense has informed Trump that all stockpiles of Agent Orange were destroyed after the war. He suggested that if Trump wanted to use a highly toxic bomb, he should drop himself on Iran.

The American Farm Association is urging him to do so.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

Ken Hecht

RUDY SPEAKS

Rudy Giuliani, when told we were a nonexistent newspaper and appreciated being lied to, consented to meet with us as he rode to work in his New York office.

His limo driver picked us up first. When the car arrived at his home, the President’s lawyer and obfuscator climbed in. The driver asked, “Where to, sir?”

Rudy: 55th and Park.

Driver: 55th and Park, right.

Rudy: I meant 34th and Broadway.

Driver: No problem.

Rudy: Step on it. I need to be at 57 and Ninth ASAP.

Us: Thank you for agreeing to meet with us.

Rudy: Of course, I have great respect for “Time Magazine.” Now, the first thing I want you to know was that President Trump, in his never-ending quest to be transparent, wanted to join us on a conference call, but he’s in the Oval Office taking orders from his co-Presidents, Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh.

Us: That’s a lot of venom in just one office.

Ignoring us, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a list.

Rudy: I have to tell you that the press has been very unfair to the President. While Donald Trump is no Paul Manafort, he a fine portly man. Let me read to you all of the things Donald Trump is not guilty of… “The Hindenburg disaster, the Sacco and Vanzetti murders and he’s definitely not guilty of ever having read a book.”

Us: We can believe that…  Being an alleged newspaper, we’re interested in how you feel about your boss stopping Sarah Sanders’ press conferences?

Rudy: It’s wonderful. Sarah is suffering from fibber-fatigue and needs the rest.

Us: So, what is she doing with her free time?

Rudy: Well, since she’s the only person in the President’s administration who hasn’t used their position to make money for themselves, she’s writing a weight loss book.

Us: A weight loss book?

Rudy: Yes. The “South Bitch Diet.”

Driver: We’re here, Mr. Giuliani.

Giuliani looked out the window and screamed, “I said 46th and Madison, you idiot. Now take us to 52nd and First.”

theleftwinggazette.

 

 

TEMPER

TEMPER

The venom that powers Donald Trump’s White House finally leaked out into the public with Johns Kelly and Bolton engaging  in an abusive shouting match in front of people this week.  It got ugly when Kelly told Bolton, “Pick two fingers” and then poked Bolton in the eyes after he did.

There’s an old saying, “The fish rots from the head down,” so their behavior is understandable considering the big blowfish in the Oval Office. Trump has himself engaged in many boisterous arguments with his advisors, his pollsters and several trees. Furious that the trees always win the arguments, the ones with origins in Hispanic countries have been deported, and their young cuttings have been sent to detention camps in Texas.

Kelly, who taught anger management at Trump University, obviously has his own issues in this area. He once grabbed former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski by the collar. Before the two could engage in a “slime-off,” the Secret Service separated them.

Anger is prevalent in this White House, not the least of which comes from Sarah Sanders, who is livid that no one warned her that telling constant lies puts on weight.

Trump called a meeting to discuss this and several other current problems. He was annoyed when Stephen Miller arrived late, but forgave his favorite advisor upon learning that he had just come from the annual Joseph Goebbels Bake Sale.

Self-hating Jew Jared Kushner, asked self-hating Jew Stephen Miller, “Did you bring me a Bobka?”  Miller gave a thumbs up.

Trump cautioned all present about fighting openly. “Remember,” he said, “the whole point of my Presidency is to set ordinary Americans at each other’s throats so they won’t realize they live under a dictatorship until it’s too late… Now, where are your suggestions on how I can further divide the country?”

The entire room began trampling each other trying to get their written in crayon suggestions to the President.

Trump thought to himself, “Ah, these are my people.”

theleftwinggazette.com