The most commonly asked question throughout history has been, “Where did I leave my car keys?” The second most asked question: “Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?,” and the third most asked is, “Just how big a human failure do you have to be to be President of the United States, and in less than two years be banned from John McCain’s and Barbara Bush’s funerals as well as England’s Royal Wedding?” Perhaps carnival barkers just aren’t welcome at such events.
So odious is Donald Trump that it was just announced that when he dies, he won’t be invited to his own funeral either.
But to be fair, Trump isn’t universally despised, as Satan enjoys his company and the President receives even more invitations to speak at neo-Nazi and Klan rallies than does Stephen Miller.
The passing of Senator John McCain and all its attendant and well- deserved heartfelt accolades are the only moments of decency America has experienced since the bottom feeder in the White House took office.
It seems that Trump’s keepers entered the Oval Office with their whips and chairs and read him the riot act, explaining that it would cost him votes if he continued trashing John McCain. Evidently they got through to the brick that occupies the space between his ears, and he shut it down for several days, not throwing one of his public tantrums to make himself the center of attention.
While the nation felt much sadness from McCain’s passing, America also got to briefly experience some decency, kindness and feelings of good will. It was like seeing a sliver of blue sky though the dark clouds that have enveloped us for what already seems like an eternity.
It was nice while it lasted, but the Tweeting addict couldn’t control himself for long and just had to attack America’s unions on Labor Day.
The clouds are back.
Stephen Miller, lifelong Satan wannabe, is now a senior advisor to Donald Trump as well as his chief speech writer. Miller is favored by the President because he takes the time to explain the meaning of words with five or more letters to him.
The architect of Trump’s plan to separate families and put children in cages, Miller deserves our admiration. Let’s face it, it’s no easy task to become as mean-spirited and loathsome as he has in just thirty-two years. Kudos to him for recently beating out Ann Coulter and one hundred and forty Republican congressmen in a contest to become America’s new face of hate.
Odious even as a child, his grandmother was given Hadassah’s highest award for trying to poison him.
After college, Miller worked for batshit crazy right-winger Michelle Bachman before moving on to became an aide to outstanding fourteenth century thinker Jeff Sessions. He has often defended Sessions by telling people, “Jeff is misunderstood. He’s very open-minded and doesn’t think only black people should be slaves, but Colored People and Negroes should be as well.
Miller worked closely with Steve Bannon in fashioning Donald Trump’s first failed travel ban that targeted only Muslims. Even though Bannon now resides on the toxic waste dump comprised of people Trump has thrown under the bus, he and Bannon remain close friends. Every Christmas, Miller sends Bannon a basket filled with nails, detonation devices and tubes of Clearasil. Bannon sends Miller his dandruff.
Stephen Miller’s dedication to the President limits his time for a social life, but once a week he does have a Trump-approved hooker come to his home and read passages from “Mein Kampf” to him.
This creepy white supremacist doesn’t seem to remember that he was born Jewish, and that after his hatemonger pals have finally disposed of all minorities, they’ll come and kill him too. Karma anyone?
The Left Wing Gazette’s staff — me and my dog, Bear — feel that in the interest of fake journalistic integrity, we are obliged to run an op-ed piece from our favorite right wing loon: Sarah Sanders.
During 2016’s Republican primary, many ill-meaning people like myself eventually came to believe Donald Trump gave us the best chance of leading the nation back to the insensitive, uncaring and cruel-because-it’s-fun 1950s. It was my fondest hope that that would come to pass and to allow me to realize my lifelong dream of pooping in a “Whites Only” bathroom.
I and other conservatives were won over by the New Yorker’s penchant for picking on disabled people as well as minorities that couldn’t defend themselves. Another plus in helping to win over the closed-minded, bigoted and toothless people who are America’s backbone, was his God-given gift: the ability to lie about… everything.
Mr. Trump’s presidency has reinforced the beliefs of all bitter and Grinch-faced Republicans that extremism is the only thing that can keep America from further sinking into a morally deficient nation that reflects the rancid mores of liberals who currently dwell in humidity-infested South Beach.
The President feels that he can begin saving jobs in China since fulfiing his promise to create twelve new coal mining jobs.
Thanks to the venom that courses through his blood along with his cholesterol, my president’s actions have now killed so many people that have come near him that he now has a higher toxicity rating than ricin. The current and growing number of deaths that have resulted from him moving our embassy to Jerusalem only serve to cement his reputation as the Amityville President. Face it, it doesn’t get any better that this.
President Trump is truly blessed in that the religious right has chosen to embrace his misogynistic ways by quoting the New Testament’s “Book of Philandering,” which states, “The Lord looks favorably upon any man who can bore a porn star with sub-par sex.” They go on to quote the book’s passage that says, “God loves men whose fingers are too stubby to reach a woman’s clitoris without acrylic nail extensions.”
Praise the Lord.