John Kelly is the latest victim of America’s walking, talking Ebola virus known as Donald Trump. The President has announced that he won’t be throwing his soon-to-be former Chief of Staff under the bus. This is not an act of decency on Trump’s part, it’s just that there’s just no room left under the bus.
Trump’s first choice for the job, Vice President Pence’s Chief of Staff Nick Ayres, turned Trump down. Trump had no second choice since he’s too lazy to think ahead about anything other than lunch.
Ayres turned the job down. The two main reasons for that being: He’s not currently suicidal, and what the brightest of his six-year-old triplets said to him, which was, “Dad, please don’t go to work for that p**ck… I really like that corpse you work for now.”
President Nero Trump is now considering others who’d be willing to step into the eighth ring of hell. Sarah Sanders wanted the job, but it was decided that the Oval Office wasn’t big enough to hold that many lies at one time.
One of the many people living in Trump’s head also applied, but was ruled out because he’d drawn a mustache on Trump from the inside.
Our fearless leader was advised to come up with a short list of candidates. Once again showing off his superior intellect, Trump responded, “But what if I want to hire someone over six feet tall?”
Trump, who’s not speaking to John Kelly, passed him a note asking if he had any suggestions for his own replacement. In that organizing things for the President is one of the main duties of a Chief of Staff, Kelly suggested a “monkey trainer.” The Commander in Chief thought seriously about this for a while, but decided he wanted to be the only one throwing feces around the Oval Office.