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Category: Special Report

SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES

SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES

Donald Trump’s aides felt it important to prep him before this week’s trip to fire-ravaged California. Their delusional boss entered what is now known as the Offal Office. He reached into his coat pocket and removed several handwritten pages and an end-cut of roast beef.

Trump: I’ve put a lot of work into my California speech, as you can tell by each word being written in a different color crayon… First, I’ll start them off with a joke. I’ll look around and say, “Geez, it looks like you people have been vaping like crazy.”

Ivanka: Daddy, maybe you shouldn’t-

Trump: Quiet, darling. I’m on a roll. Then I’ll say I’m very glad to see so many of you here in blackface… After they stop applauding me, I’ll tell them that the air is predicted to clear up in October. And since it’s already September, that’s only two months away.

Jared: Sir, October comes after… forget it. I’ll have them change the White House calendars.

Trump: I should scold Californians for not having swept the forest floors like I told them to, but instead I’m going to be kind and send them thousands of brooms.

Ivanka: Oh, daddy, that’s the first nice thing you’ve ever done.

Trump: That’s nothing. I’m going to have Kellyanne Conway show them how to use the brooms because she’s an expert as they’re her main means of transportation.

Lindsey Graham: Sir, we have some ideas-

Trump: Forget it. This trip will guarantee that I win the Northern California vote.

Pence: Sir, that’s not really likely according to-

Trump: Relax, it’s mine once I remind them that I invented Trump-a-Roni the San Francisco Treat.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

STELAAA

STELLAAAA

Last week, his desperation growing, Donald Trump showed a clip of alleged doctor Stella Immanuel. Immanuel was proclaiming that she had cured Covid-19 patients by using hydroxychloroquine.  She is well respected in the world of medicine as well as voodoo.

Immanuel stood in front of men in white coats whom she claimed were doctors. But actually, they were attendants there to take her back to the Gelman Institute for the Batshit Crazy.

Because Trump will latch on to anyone or thing that backs up his crackpot ideas, one of his aides – who had a forehead you could land a plane on, arranged a meeting with Immanuel. Trump had forgotten about her, but when the aide reminded him of the woman, he recalled her, became excited and chirped, “That’s wonderful. I always liked Miriam Makeba.”

Stella entered the Oval Office carrying a goat.

Trump: Great, you brought lunch. Do you think you could hold it still while I get it on a Kaiser roll?

Stella: Yes. I’ll put a spell on it that will make him believe he’s luncheon meat.

Trump: Good. You know, my wife often tells me that I make her feel like that… Now, I’d like to discuss demon sperm with you.

Stella: Sure. I’d love to talk about your kids.

Trump: Let me tell you, I’m so proud of them all. Except for Don Jr., Eric and Marla’s kid whose name escapes me. And I’m very proud of my youngest son, Burton.

Stella: I think you should fire that Dr. Brix woman and give me her job.

Trump: Are you qualified?

Stella: Yes.

Trump: Well, forget it then.

Stella: Do you even know who I am?

Trump: Of course. Let’s sing the “pata pata” song.

theleftwinggazette.com

SECRET PHYSICAL

 

SECRET PHYSICAL

After laboring his way down a ramp at West Point like a snow globe with feet, some Americans became concerned. Others of us are still laughing.

So alarmed was his doctor that Trump was taken on Monday for a secret physical.

He was met at Walter Reed by Navy Captain Dr. Harvey Slavin. The highly-decorated Slavin added to his already impressive medal count when he bought two new ones at a pawn shop last Friday.

He tried to begin by testing Trump for Covid-19, but the stable genius refused. “No. If we stop testing for it we’ll have many fewer cases. That’s why I’m going to recommend we stop testing for breast and prostate cancer too. Nobel Prize here I come.”

After listening to this, Dr. Slavin began wondering about the wisdom of the Hippocratic Oath.

After Saturday’s ramp incident, he was concerned about Trump’s balance. “Stand on one foot for me, Mr. Trump… Not my foot, sir.” Trump snapped, “There’s nothing wrong with my balance. Obama spilled water on the side of that ramp I walked down.”

Slavin: Fine, but you have to let me check your prostate. Bend over. Trump sulked for a moment and then acquiesced. Starring at the Presidential blow-hole, Slavin swallowed hard and reached in. After a moment, he remarked, “Sir, I keep feeling these little round things.”

Trump replied, “Don’t worry, that’s where I keep all the Republican senators’ balls. The big pair belongs to Joni Ernst.”

Trump was asked if he’d brought a stool sample as requested. He signaled and three Secret Service agents entered, each carrying a filled gallon paint can.

Slavin: We didn’t need that much, Sir.

Trump: It’s not that much. Only about a tenth of what I dump on the American people every day.

theleftwinggazette.com