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Category: Special Report

VERY STABLE GENIUS

VERY STABLE GENIUS

Seeing the President display even more bizarre behavior than usual, Donald Trump’s staff suggested that he to talk to a trained professional. Trump’s response was, “Oh goody, hookers.”

When his staff explained what they meant, Trump agreed to meet with a shrink on the condition that it not be made public.

The staff chose esteemed psychiatrist Dr. Michael Lerner. Lerner is known for his occasional competence and being the first shrink to charge his patients by the neurosis.

In order to keep the session secret, the appointment was made under the name Very Stable Genius.

The session:

Very Stable Genius: You’ve gotta help me, Doc. I can’t get Nancy Pelosi out of my head. I don’t think people know how horrible that is.

Lerner: I think they do. You’re in the heads of millions of people and they’re all trying to get you out.

VSG: How do you know that?

Lerner: Knitting needle sales are way up… What else is bothering you?

VSG: Well, the people around me… they’re downers, always upset.

Lerner: For instance.

 

VSG: Like John Bolton. His whole life, he’s wanted to start an illegitimate war for young American men and women to die in… I mean, it’s good to have goals, but I can’t let him do that. It could cost me votes.

Lerner was able to avoid throwing up.

Lerner: Think, something must be going well for you?

VSG: Well, at least the morons who only care about overturning Roe v. Wade don’t seem to notice that I’m stealing their country and giving it to Vladimir Putin.

Lerner: Right… Anything else make you happy?

VSG: Let me see… Yes, Lindsay Graham.

Lerner: As I remember, you didn’t like each other at first.

VSG: I know, but we’re friends now.

Lerner: What do you attribute that to?

VSG: Well, when John McCain died, they buried Lindsey Graham’s morals and ethics with him… Trust me, life is so much easier without morals and ethics… You know Doc, I feel a lot better now.

Lerner, under his breath, mumbled, “Crap.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

THE SWAMP

THE SWAMP

The Left Wing Gazette has just learned of a lawsuit being brought by “The Swamp” against Donald Trump. Among others named in Swamp V. Trump are Sarah Sanders, Lindsey Graham, Mitch McConnell, Kellyanne Conway and Rudy Giuliani.

Upon learning of the legal action, Giuliani called Trump and offered to represent him in court. Trump answered quickly, “Pass, Rudy. I’m hiring a competent lawyer for this one.” Rudy suggested, “Maybe Bob Barr could represent you.” Trump barked back, “I said a competent lawyer, not an ass licker lawyer, you boob.”

We requested an interview with The Swamp. They agreed and sent us their best known resident, The Creature From the Black Lagoon.

Us: It’s an honor to have you here, Creature.

Creature: F**k off… Sorry, ever since you clowns elected Trump, all of us in the Swamp have developed a bad case of Tourette’s. Blow me.

Us: We’re cool… What caused the Swamp to bring this suit?

Creature: We’ve had it with your imbecile leader giving us a bad name. His White House has more slimy things crawling out of it than our muck and mire ever did. More things ooze out of there than out of an open sore. Damn, I said I wasn’t going to talk about Don Jr. … Piss, shit.

US: You seem really outraged.

Creature: We all are. Look, we may be scum, filth, and bottom dwellers, but Sarah Sanders, Stephen Miller and Steve King… give me a break. Who wants to be associated with the likes of them?

Us: You don’t have anyone that bad down there?
Creature: Sure we do. Lots.  Our worst is a snake named Donald that’s nasty, vile and so incompetent that he can’t shed his skin without giving himself hemorrhoids.

Us: Sounds awful.

Creature: It is. I mean, what you are supposed to do with a bloated viper that just swims around all day saying, “I’m a very stable reptile?”

Us: F**k, crap, bastard.

theleftwinggazette

 

IMMIGRATION

IMMIGRATION

Jared Kushner presented his father-in-law’s new immigration plan to a group of Republican Senators last week. Afterward, a number of them came to the conclusion that Kushner was “clueless.” We find that very difficult to believe because of Jared’s great success in bringing peace to the Middle East except for the knifings, shootings, rocket and terrorist attacks.

Stephen Miller, also in attendance at the meeting, dazzled the Senators by catching a fly with his tongue.

Prior to that meeting, Kushner and Miller, better known around the White House as Ralph and Potsie, prepped the Trump’s plan. Things got off to a rocky start with Miller in a rotten mood because he still hasn’t been able to figure out his gender.

Eventually, they got down to business and agreed to carefully follow Trump’s instructions. Trump told them that he wanted his plan to build upon our nation’s greatest immigration triumph, slavery.

At the outset, Trump consulted many experts on immigration such as Robert Craft, Kanye West and Rex the Wonder Horse.

Trump told Kushner and Miller, not to deal with DACA because the GOP is divided over the topic. It is well known that many Republicans want the Dreamers sent back and that the rest led by the Steve King faction wants them euthanized. Poor Trump. What’s a fascist to do?

He demanded that all immigrants pass a civics test. Wanting to make the exam as difficult as possible, Trump contributed one of the questions. That being: What is the capital of Michigan? A: Tallahassee B: Phoenix or C: Denver? Having audited a civics class at Trump University, he knows that the capital of Michigan is Phoenix.

When Kushner and Miller finished polishing Trump’s plan, Miller asked, “Is it true that the President is going to start pardoning our very own war criminals soon?”

Jared: Count on it.

Miller: Man, this White House gets funner and funner every day.

theleftwinggazette