Constant talk of impeachment now has Donald Trump really stressed. He told aides that he felt the walls were closing in on him, but they allayed his fears when they informed him that he’s gained so much weight that actually, he’s closing in on the walls.

His aides brought in psychiatrist Dr. Harvey Slavin, who, while still on a work-release program for sleeping with his patients with poor vision, is considered to be an occasionally adequate psychiatrist.

Dr. Slavin: How are you feeling today, Mr. Trump?

Trump: Furious. Lindsey Graham is betraying me.

Slavin: How so?

Trump: He promised me that he’d buried his morals and ethics with John McCain, but now he’s gotten all pissy about me deserting the Kurds.

Slavin: Can I ask why did you turn on our allies and make it easy for Turkey to slaughter them?

Trump: Because I don’t have a hotel in Kurdland, but I have a big one in Istanboool.

Slavin: Sir, doesn’t it bother you that because of these kinds of actions millions of American’s think you’re an imbecile and totally full of shit?

Trump: Fake news.

Slavin: Of course it is… Can you share your feelings about millions of Americans wanting to see you in handcuffs?

Trump: More fake news. Handcuffs? Ridiculous. Hey, want to see a picture of Ivanka in handcuffs?

Slavin: You really have a pic-?

Trump: Here, she’s in a bikini I picked out for her.

Slavin, suddenly needing a shower, pushed on.

Slavin: Let’s leave the gutter for a second Sir. Do you have any anxiety over losing next year’s election?

Trump: I can’t lose. Not with all my support in places like Rotted Gums, Missouri, Open Sores, Kentucky and Alabama’s Nazi Mountain Theme Park.

Slavin: Thank God for inbreeding, huh?

Trump: You can say that again.





Donald Trump has been concerned about the pictures coming from his migrant detention hellholes at the border making him look as cruel as he actually is.

He had asked the G20’s laughingstock, daughter Ivanka, if she had any ideas about what to do with the refugees. She did, telling him, “I could offer them a 10% discount on my entire cosmetics line. And to make them feel special, I’ll rename my line “Refried Beans Cream.” Her father remarked that the Bull Conner Sensitivity Course she’d taken had really paid off.

Not sure her idea would do the trick, Trump summoned all his high- ranking swamp dwellers to a meeting in the Oval Office. Many were out of town but flew back to Reagan International Airport, which was the first airport to be liberated from the British in 1775.

Stephen Miller texted his regrets for not attending but said he was busy reading the resumes of snipers he plans to put on the border. “Fifty kills or more required.”

Trump’s minions entered the Oval Office with a spring in their step and malice in their hearts.

The President began to rage about how the Democratic members of both houses traveled to the border and reported on the squalid living conditions. He wondered, “Why can’t they be like every right-wing Republican, stick their heads up their asses and pretend nothing’s wrong?”

Wilbur Ross spoke up, sheepishly, “I have arthritis and can’t get my head up there anymore.” Trump responded, “Not to worry, you can stick it up my ass. There’s room in there for a Camry.”

Trump paused to think for a moment but stopped when drool began to leak from the corners of his mouth. Kellyanne Conway leapt to her feet and rushed to her boss, drying his drool with her handkerchief and then putting it away in her bra. She smiled inwardly knowing that she now had one-hundred Presidential droolkerchiefs.

The phone rang and Trump answered, “Hello… bullshit, Jeffrey, I never had sex with underage girls. They were all at least fourteen.”



Seeing the President display even more bizarre behavior than usual, Donald Trump’s staff suggested that he to talk to a trained professional. Trump’s response was, “Oh goody, hookers.”

When his staff explained what they meant, Trump agreed to meet with a shrink on the condition that it not be made public.

The staff chose esteemed psychiatrist Dr. Michael Lerner. Lerner is known for his occasional competence and being the first shrink to charge his patients by the neurosis.

In order to keep the session secret, the appointment was made under the name Very Stable Genius.

The session:

Very Stable Genius: You’ve gotta help me, Doc. I can’t get Nancy Pelosi out of my head. I don’t think people know how horrible that is.

Lerner: I think they do. You’re in the heads of millions of people and they’re all trying to get you out.

VSG: How do you know that?

Lerner: Knitting needle sales are way up… What else is bothering you?

VSG: Well, the people around me… they’re downers, always upset.

Lerner: For instance.


VSG: Like John Bolton. His whole life, he’s wanted to start an illegitimate war for young American men and women to die in… I mean, it’s good to have goals, but I can’t let him do that. It could cost me votes.

Lerner was able to avoid throwing up.

Lerner: Think, something must be going well for you?

VSG: Well, at least the morons who only care about overturning Roe v. Wade don’t seem to notice that I’m stealing their country and giving it to Vladimir Putin.

Lerner: Right… Anything else make you happy?

VSG: Let me see… Yes, Lindsay Graham.

Lerner: As I remember, you didn’t like each other at first.

VSG: I know, but we’re friends now.

Lerner: What do you attribute that to?

VSG: Well, when John McCain died, they buried Lindsey Graham’s morals and ethics with him… Trust me, life is so much easier without morals and ethics… You know Doc, I feel a lot better now.

Lerner, under his breath, mumbled, “Crap.”