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THE DONALD TRUMP SHOW

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THE DONALD TRUMP HOUR

Mike Pence: Welcome to “The Donald Trump Hour,” where  decency comes to die. Among Donald’s guests tonight are three morons who won’t wear masks, but will show us the creative ways they use to stick their heads up their asses.

Now, without further ado, let’s welcome the world’s most beloved ramp-waddler, a man with less of a grasp on reality than the entire ward in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” hereee’s Donny.

TRUMP: Thanks, Mike. Now we have a great show for you tonight. My guests include the Governor of Texas, who will show us that you don’t need to be ambulatory to be an idiot. We also have my favorite doctor, Anthony Fauci, who will try and talk to us while bound, gagged and submerged in water. And as a special treat, we have my favorite boy-band, “Kids in Cages.”

Now I see that tonight’s audience is made up of Nazis and two of my favorite white supremacists, Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas… Can you feel the hate?

Everyone applauded.

TRUMP: To get off on the right foot, everyone move closer together and cough on each other. (They Did) Excellent. Especially you, sir. The phlegm was a nice touch.

We’re going to take a commercial now from my favorite sponsor, Hydroxychloroquine P.M… Be sure to come back and see me use Mike Pence to demonstrate just exactly how Vladimir Putin bends me over a desk.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

DENIAL AIN’T JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT

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DENIAL AIN’T JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT

Donald Trump, who when he gets to OZ, plans to ask the wizard for a brain, recently held an emergency session with his advisors whom, since this crisis started, have often heard Lawrence Kudlow utter the words, “Hey Moe, pick two fingers.”

Trump began the meeting with:

Trump: Anyone know if that Lieutenant Governor guy in Texas has spoken to his grandparents yet?

Kudlow: He can’t get through. They disconnected their phone and went to their lawyers to change their will.

Trump: Damn cowards. Okay, listen up. I’m sick of this cofefe-19 virus crap. And I’m sick of you, Fauci. Don’t you know that I, and everybody who works for me, never tell the truth?

Fauci: Sir, it’s my responsibility to be honest with the people.

Trump: What you have to say doesn’t count.

Fauci: Why not?

Trump: You’re short.

Fauci: I’m not going to sink to your level…. Pudgy.

Trump: ‘Pudgy?’ I only weigh 236 pounds.

Fauci:  Your next physical… try putting both legs on the scale.

Trump: Grow up, loser. And if I hear the words ‘social distancing’ again… well, just picture your legs sticking out from under a bus.

Mike Pence: Gentleman, stop. We need to develop a strategy to convince America that our health care workers don’t need masks.

Trump: Right. This ‘not enough masks’ nonsense is a load. He reached under his desk, removed a Lone Ranger mask and put it on.

Trump: I’ve had this for almost seventy years and, except for fake bone spurs and gonorrhea, it’s protected me from everything, including that Scout guy and his horse, Tonto.

Mnuchin: Sir, Scout was the horse and Tonto was your sidekick.

Trump: Some sidekick. I doubt he’d kiss my ass like Pence does.

Pence: It’s an honor, sir.

Kudlow: I have something to say.

Trump: Go on.

Kudlow; Hey, Moe, pick two fingers.

The door opened, revealing Rand Paul in the doorway.

Paul: Hey guys, anyone want to go to the gym?

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

 

RAZZLE DAZZLE EM’

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RAZZLE DAZZLE EM’

“Flim-Flam-Flummox them,” a lyric from a song in the movie/play “Chicago,” has become the Republican tactic for trying to stop Donald Trump’s impeachment.

Five highly ranked GOP followers were tasked with coming up with a plan to flim-flam-flummox America. The five met in secret in the White House’s new Pinocchio Room. All wore MAGA bags with eye and mouth holes cut out over their heads in case Trump didn’t like what they came up with and once again displayed his maturity level by calling them “Low lifes,” “Human scum,” and “Doodyheads.”

Four of the men were not recognizable, but the fifth’s identity may have been given away by the seven chins hanging out from under his bag.

The meeting was called to order as soon as they finished singing the Russian National Anthem, “Mother Russia, You’re a Real Mother.”

Republican Bag #1: The President has requested that we include some of his biggest accomplishments in our document.

Bag With Chins Hanging Down: That doesn’t belong in this… Geez, what does he want included?

Bag #3: He told me that he’s particularly proud of trying to deport 700,000 DACA members, many of whom have served in our military and many of whom contribute to our economy.

Bag #2: What else?

Bag #4: I know the thing he’s most proud of is locking children in cages at our border.

Bag with Chins: Well, non-white children in cages… pretty cool.

Bag #1: True, but I think it’s important that we let the American people know that Trump’s suspicion of Ukraine is justified because he doesn’t have a hotel there.

Bag #2: People also have to be told that his selling out of American interests to Ukraine are unimportant since he’s done that with Vladimir Putin since taking office.

Just then a sheet of paper was slipped under the door. The bag of chins retrieved it telling the group, “I asked for the Fox poll as soon as it came out.”

He looked it over and said, “Boy are we fuc**d.”

the left wing gazette.com