Earlier this week, Donald Trump and Mike Pence, discussed how best to respond to the tragedy in the Carolinas. The President said that if he wasn’t a sociopath, he’d feel badly for the victims because he knows just how wet water can sometimes be.

Pence suggested that it would help Trump’s poll numbers if he made a large donation to help the victims. Trump replied that since his illegal charity had been ordered closed by the state of New York, he feared he may actually have to use his own money. Even though the thought sent a chill down his spine, he promised Pence that he’d sleep on the idea and on his blow-up doll, Vladimita.

The following morning he called several of his criminal flunkies and Pence in as he was finishing his favorite breakfast cereal, Hitler Puffs. He almost choked on the words, but eventually told everyone that he would donate one million dollars to the states.

Trump sat behind his desk and asked, “Where are my Bank of America checks?”

John Kelly: That account’s closed, Sir. Don’t you remember, no bank in America will do business with you?

Stephen Miller presented Trump with his checkbook from the First National Bank of Moscow.

A pen was shoved into Trump’s hand. It palsied briefly and then the leader of the free world began to snivel.

Sarah Sanders: Sir, we know how hard this is. We’re all Republicans so none of us gives a rat’s ass about anyone else, but this is politics and sometimes we have to pretend to care.

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump, all the Republicans in D.C. have opened their hearts and given generously. We’ve collected almost forty dollars.

Trump said, “Okay” and grudgingly signed the check, only misspelling his name twice. He tried to hand it to John Kelly, but it fell to the floor and bounced like a SuperBall. As everyone tried to grab it, Trump slithered out of the room on his belly.








We have it from an occasionally reliable source that Donald Trump recently met with seven of the nineteen voices living inside his head. He trusts those seven, but not the other twelve, who he heard laughing at him in Helsinki. He’s banished them to wander the vast wasteland between his ears.

The President bragged to his non-existent buds that he’s proud to be turning the party of Ronald Reagan back into the party of Joseph McCarthy.

So far, Trump has only given a glimpse of what he and Putin talked about to his  favorite nocturnal fantasy, Ivanka.  Evidently, the Russian President told Trump that he can stop pissing on women because, “I already have enough videos of that.” Ivanka told him, “Daddycakes, Uncle Vladimir is right. You should stop.” Her father responded, “Okay. From now on I’ll just piss on our Constitution.” Ivanka squealed, “Yay daddy.”

Trump continued on, telling her, “As soon as I finished giving Vladimir a foot massage, he brought up the subject of Montenegro and his desire to annex it. I said, Good with me, but I don’t understand what you want with a Caribbean country.”

It seems that Putin told his orange counterpart that the tiny country poses a serious threat to Russia.

It is clear that Montenegro does indeed pose such a threat because they’ve amassed their soldier on Russia’s border. And not only that, he has their gun.

Clearly this aggressive nation is the world’s most dangerous since Freedonia and its dictatorial ruler, Rufus T. Firefly aka Groucho Marx. When Trump was given this information, he said, “I hate Marx. I hate all commies.”

After Ivanka left, Trump summoned Sarah Sanders to the Oval Office. “Good to see you, Sarah.” She said, “Thank you sir,” but then she became nervous and asked, “You didn’t drink a lot of water today, did you?”




Last week, Donald Trump continuing his “Hate is Great Tour,” went to Ohio to show off his latest letter of commendation from Satan. Addressed to, “America’s Dictator Wannabe,” it lauded Trump for being the greatest “failed human experiment” in history since Hitler. The President’s pride swelled as he pictured himself in jackboots, wearing an armband and with a short black mustache while giving orders to invade Poland – which he thinks is next to Brazil.

Trump’s latest honor was achieved by tearing immigrant families apart and traumatizing children who are guilty of the heinous crime of being born with brown skin.

As a reward, the Devil assured Trump that he will, prior to Trump own arrival in hell, furnish him with an endless supply of idiots stupid enough to believe that he has a clue as to what working people’s lives are like, let alone give a rat’s ass about them.

Lucifer also guaranteed a never-ending stream of racist morons to attend his pathetic ego boosting-rallies, who will applaud his disassociated ramblings and continually praise his acts of Presidential cruelty.

Trump told the room that Satan greatly appreciates the way many of them have prostituted Jesus’ teachings to fit their hate-mongering. To accommodate these bigots as he awaits their arrival, he’s enlarging the Strom Thurmond wing of hell.

The applause was deafening.

The President then told everyone, “It’s the Democrats’ fault that Satan has gotten a bad rap for so long.  The Devil is an inspiration to all people without morals or a conscience. I don’t like to brag, but that includes my entire family and everyone working in the White House, most especially Stephen Miller who is the world’s leading self-hating Jew.”

The intellectually-limited crowd began jumping around wildly while chanting, “Down with matzoh.”

Prior to introducing Ted Nugent and his “Musical Hate Band, the President reminded everyone that “America’s bigots and racists are badly misunderstood,” Adding, “Like me, some of them know that slavery can be a bad thing outside of agricultural states.”