Donald Trump, having not had any fresh blood to drink since firing John Kelly, had been jonesing for it something awful. The Del Monte plasma he’d been drinking just wasn’t cutting it anymore. He needed a fresh body. Someone who had the nerve to say, “No” to him. New blood to imbibe and new flesh to toss on the large pile of corpses he’d already collected.

Trump, after cutting Kirstjen Nielson carotid artery with his Popiel Pocket Throat Slasher, enjoyed watching the White House hallways filled with blood once again. After scarfing down a platelet smoothie and feeling euphoric, Trump put on his Speedo, exited the Oval Office and belly- flopped onto the congealing red liquid.

Having heard about all the blood, Sarah Sanders rushed into the White House holding a straw.

The following day, Trump called an immigration meeting that was attended by Sanders, Stephen Miller and Lester Maddox who was on loan from hell.

Trump: Listen up everyone… We have to find the blonde girl’s replacement. I want someone who will appreciate the joy of separating parents and children at the border.

Sarah Sanders: Mr. President, while I enjoy feasting on people’s misery just as much as any of your religious supporters do, we did this before and it was very unpopular with the public. And even worse, it almost caused me to have a human emotion.

Trump: “Human emotion?” You? Gimme a break. Look, I want these kids and their parents separated the way the Saudi’s separated Jamal Khashoggi from his limbs.

Just then, an aide entered holding the mounted head of Kristjen Nielsen. Trump looked at it smiled and responded, “Put it on the wall between Rex Tillerson and Jeff Sessions… Okay folks, our immigration problem… Have they caught the Cisco Kid yet?”







Donald Trump’s total lack of empathy and never-ending cruelty is causing such anxiety and fear among Americans that more and more people are being forced to seek psychiatric help if they’re unable to obtain illegal drugs.

We went along with one such citizen, Ms. Carol Peterson, to see noted psychiatrist Dr. Harvey Slavin. Slavin’s license was returned last year when his jail sentence was cut short due to both his improving personal hygiene and the fact that orange made him look fat.

He greeted Ms. Peterson and asked her why she’d come to see him. She responded quickly.

Carol: I hate Donald Trump.

Slavin: Take a number.

Carol: You know… I’d like to go to one of his vanity rallies and call him out on his lies.

Slavin: You’d be hoarse within three minutes.

Carol: I’d still go.

Slavin: Do you drool before each meal?

Carol: No.

Slavin: Sister, you don’t have a shot in hell of getting in.

Carol: There just has to be something wrong with him… Maybe he’s bipolar.

Slavin: No, if you’re bipolar, you have rapid mood swings that change your personality back and forth. Trump’s moods only range from moron to bigger moron to best moron.

Carol: He’s turned me into a nervous wreck.

Slavin: Are you able to sleep at night?

Carol: Sometimes, but I have horrible dreams.

Slavin: Can you share one with me?

Carol: Well, I keep having this one where Trump wakes up in bed with the head of a whore next to him.

Slavin: Are you sure that’s not the head of a horse?

Carol: No, it’s a whore. She has a coin changer.

Slavin: Could we take a minute and discuss what your sex life is like

Carol: Sure… It’s very active.

Slavin: Is it?

Carol: Yes, I get fuc**d by Donald Trump every day.

Slavin: That’s happening to almost everyone.

Carol: Really?

Slavin: You’d be surprised how many of my male patients can’t sit down.



Donald Trump, spreading darkness as only he can, has fostered a mood in the White House, which has been described as, “not quite as cheerful as the one on the Titanic.” With the Special Counsel closing in on him, Trump is now greatly exceeding his average of six tantrums a day.

His advisors wanted him to wear a helmet to protect his head when he loses control.  Trump rejected the idea at first, but acquiesced when he was told he could put  KKK stickers on it. Recent tantrums have seen him use his head to crash into walls, desks, trays of food and the hardest and most dangerous thing in the White House, Sarah Sanders. Trump was willing to try it, but nobody could find a helmet big enough to fit his head. The Oval Office is being padded.

So despondent is Trump that he often walks down to Stephen Miller’s office, which can easily be found by following the stench or the dead skin in the hall during molting season.

Trump, when he walks into the office, is often moved to tears by Miller’s Nazi memorabilia on the walls. He then calls, “Stephen” and Miller comes out of the closet. When Trump is done complaining about how misunderstood he is he walks out and Miller goes back into the closet.

The President’s terror has him eating more than ever.  He’s gained so much weight that in his most recent fit of rage, he put his head down and ran into his own ass.

In order to be fair to the President, we feel he does deserve congratulations for making it into the Guinness Book of World Records. They have noted that in the history of mankind, nobody has ever been innocent of more things than Mr. Trump is. Asked to comment on this, he said, “I plan to be innocent of many more things before I leave the White House in 2028.”