Mike Pence: Welcome to the “Donald Trump Show.” The show where the truth comes to die. Our guests tonight include, Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz, who will share with us their methods for sticking your head up your ass.

Now without further ado, let’s welcome the man with less of a grasp on reality than the characters in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”… Hereeee’s Donny.

Trump: Hi folks. We have a great show for you tonight. In addition to the doctors Mike mentioned, we also have The Governor of Florida who will show us by example just how stupid humidity can make you. And as a special treat, we have my favorite boy band, “Kids In Cages.”

Now I see that my audience is made up of Nazis, white supremacists and a lot of other very fine people as well. Okay everyone move closer to each other so your shoulders touch. Now look at the person on your right and cough… Great.

Okay, time to lighten things up… You know I just flew into town and take my wife, please… A priest and rabbi walk into a bar… and boy are my arms tired… Okay. Let’s see what’s in the news… Well, we passed 78,000 fake dead today. We’re number one, we’re number one!

When the applause died down, Trump went on.

“We’re going to take a break for a word from my favorite sponsor, Clorox. Plain and peanut.  But be sure to stay with us because I’ll be doing the limbo later to see just how low I can go. I think we’re talking Middle Earth here, folks. Don’t miss it.”






Donald Trump, having not had any fresh blood to drink since firing John Kelly, had been jonesing for it something awful. The Del Monte plasma he’d been drinking just wasn’t cutting it anymore. He needed a fresh body. Someone who had the nerve to say, “No” to him. New blood to imbibe and new flesh to toss on the large pile of corpses he’d already collected.

Trump, after cutting Kirstjen Nielson carotid artery with his Popiel Pocket Throat Slasher, enjoyed watching the White House hallways filled with blood once again. After scarfing down a platelet smoothie and feeling euphoric, Trump put on his Speedo, exited the Oval Office and belly- flopped onto the congealing red liquid.

Having heard about all the blood, Sarah Sanders rushed into the White House holding a straw.

The following day, Trump called an immigration meeting that was attended by Sanders, Stephen Miller and Lester Maddox who was on loan from hell.

Trump: Listen up everyone… We have to find the blonde girl’s replacement. I want someone who will appreciate the joy of separating parents and children at the border.

Sarah Sanders: Mr. President, while I enjoy feasting on people’s misery just as much as any of your religious supporters do, we did this before and it was very unpopular with the public. And even worse, it almost caused me to have a human emotion.

Trump: “Human emotion?” You? Gimme a break. Look, I want these kids and their parents separated the way the Saudi’s separated Jamal Khashoggi from his limbs.

Just then, an aide entered holding the mounted head of Kristjen Nielsen. Trump looked at it smiled and responded, “Put it on the wall between Rex Tillerson and Jeff Sessions… Okay folks, our immigration problem… Have they caught the Cisco Kid yet?”







Donald Trump’s total lack of empathy and never-ending cruelty is causing such anxiety and fear among Americans that more and more people are being forced to seek psychiatric help if they’re unable to obtain illegal drugs.

We went along with one such citizen, Ms. Carol Peterson, to see noted psychiatrist Dr. Harvey Slavin. Slavin’s license was returned last year when his jail sentence was cut short due to both his improving personal hygiene and the fact that orange made him look fat.

He greeted Ms. Peterson and asked her why she’d come to see him. She responded quickly.

Carol: I hate Donald Trump.

Slavin: Take a number.

Carol: You know… I’d like to go to one of his vanity rallies and call him out on his lies.

Slavin: You’d be hoarse within three minutes.

Carol: I’d still go.

Slavin: Do you drool before each meal?

Carol: No.

Slavin: Sister, you don’t have a shot in hell of getting in.

Carol: There just has to be something wrong with him… Maybe he’s bipolar.

Slavin: No, if you’re bipolar, you have rapid mood swings that change your personality back and forth. Trump’s moods only range from moron to bigger moron to best moron.

Carol: He’s turned me into a nervous wreck.

Slavin: Are you able to sleep at night?

Carol: Sometimes, but I have horrible dreams.

Slavin: Can you share one with me?

Carol: Well, I keep having this one where Trump wakes up in bed with the head of a whore next to him.

Slavin: Are you sure that’s not the head of a horse?

Carol: No, it’s a whore. She has a coin changer.

Slavin: Could we take a minute and discuss what your sex life is like

Carol: Sure… It’s very active.

Slavin: Is it?

Carol: Yes, I get fuc**d by Donald Trump every day.

Slavin: That’s happening to almost everyone.

Carol: Really?

Slavin: You’d be surprised how many of my male patients can’t sit down.