Earlier this week, Donald Trump and Mike Pence, discussed how best to respond to the tragedy in the Carolinas. The President said that if he wasn’t a sociopath, he’d feel badly for the victims because he knows just how wet water can sometimes be.
Pence suggested that it would help Trump’s poll numbers if he made a large donation to help the victims. Trump replied that since his illegal charity had been ordered closed by the state of New York, he feared he may actually have to use his own money. Even though the thought sent a chill down his spine, he promised Pence that he’d sleep on the idea and on his blow-up doll, Vladimita.
The following morning he called several of his criminal flunkies and Pence in as he was finishing his favorite breakfast cereal, Hitler Puffs. He almost choked on the words, but eventually told everyone that he would donate one million dollars to the states.
Trump sat behind his desk and asked, “Where are my Bank of America checks?”
John Kelly: That account’s closed, Sir. Don’t you remember, no bank in America will do business with you?
Stephen Miller presented Trump with his checkbook from the First National Bank of Moscow.
A pen was shoved into Trump’s hand. It palsied briefly and then the leader of the free world began to snivel.
Sarah Sanders: Sir, we know how hard this is. We’re all Republicans so none of us gives a rat’s ass about anyone else, but this is politics and sometimes we have to pretend to care.
Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump, all the Republicans in D.C. have opened their hearts and given generously. We’ve collected almost forty dollars.
Trump said, “Okay” and grudgingly signed the check, only misspelling his name twice. He tried to hand it to John Kelly, but it fell to the floor and bounced like a SuperBall. As everyone tried to grab it, Trump slithered out of the room on his belly.