Donald Trump, spreading darkness as only he can, has fostered a mood in the White House, which has been described as, “not quite as cheerful as the one on the Titanic.” With the Special Counsel closing in on him, Trump is now greatly exceeding his average of six tantrums a day.

His advisors wanted him to wear a helmet to protect his head when he loses control.  Trump rejected the idea at first, but acquiesced when he was told he could put  KKK stickers on it. Recent tantrums have seen him use his head to crash into walls, desks, trays of food and the hardest and most dangerous thing in the White House, Sarah Sanders. Trump was willing to try it, but nobody could find a helmet big enough to fit his head. The Oval Office is being padded.

So despondent is Trump that he often walks down to Stephen Miller’s office, which can easily be found by following the stench or the dead skin in the hall during molting season.

Trump, when he walks into the office, is often moved to tears by Miller’s Nazi memorabilia on the walls. He then calls, “Stephen” and Miller comes out of the closet. When Trump is done complaining about how misunderstood he is he walks out and Miller goes back into the closet.

The President’s terror has him eating more than ever.  He’s gained so much weight that in his most recent fit of rage, he put his head down and ran into his own ass.

In order to be fair to the President, we feel he does deserve congratulations for making it into the Guinness Book of World Records. They have noted that in the history of mankind, nobody has ever been innocent of more things than Mr. Trump is. Asked to comment on this, he said, “I plan to be innocent of many more things before I leave the White House in 2028.”









Earlier this week, Donald Trump and Mike Pence, discussed how best to respond to the tragedy in the Carolinas. The President said that if he wasn’t a sociopath, he’d feel badly for the victims because he knows just how wet water can sometimes be.

Pence suggested that it would help Trump’s poll numbers if he made a large donation to help the victims. Trump replied that since his illegal charity had been ordered closed by the state of New York, he feared he may actually have to use his own money. Even though the thought sent a chill down his spine, he promised Pence that he’d sleep on the idea and on his blow-up doll, Vladimita.

The following morning he called several of his criminal flunkies and Pence in as he was finishing his favorite breakfast cereal, Hitler Puffs. He almost choked on the words, but eventually told everyone that he would donate one million dollars to the states.

Trump sat behind his desk and asked, “Where are my Bank of America checks?”

John Kelly: That account’s closed, Sir. Don’t you remember, no bank in America will do business with you?

Stephen Miller presented Trump with his checkbook from the First National Bank of Moscow.

A pen was shoved into Trump’s hand. It palsied briefly and then the leader of the free world began to snivel.

Sarah Sanders: Sir, we know how hard this is. We’re all Republicans so none of us gives a rat’s ass about anyone else, but this is politics and sometimes we have to pretend to care.

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump, all the Republicans in D.C. have opened their hearts and given generously. We’ve collected almost forty dollars.

Trump said, “Okay” and grudgingly signed the check, only misspelling his name twice. He tried to hand it to John Kelly, but it fell to the floor and bounced like a SuperBall. As everyone tried to grab it, Trump slithered out of the room on his belly.








We have it from an occasionally reliable source that Donald Trump recently met with seven of the nineteen voices living inside his head. He trusts those seven, but not the other twelve, who he heard laughing at him in Helsinki. He’s banished them to wander the vast wasteland between his ears.

The President bragged to his non-existent buds that he’s proud to be turning the party of Ronald Reagan back into the party of Joseph McCarthy.

So far, Trump has only given a glimpse of what he and Putin talked about to his  favorite nocturnal fantasy, Ivanka.  Evidently, the Russian President told Trump that he can stop pissing on women because, “I already have enough videos of that.” Ivanka told him, “Daddycakes, Uncle Vladimir is right. You should stop.” Her father responded, “Okay. From now on I’ll just piss on our Constitution.” Ivanka squealed, “Yay daddy.”

Trump continued on, telling her, “As soon as I finished giving Vladimir a foot massage, he brought up the subject of Montenegro and his desire to annex it. I said, Good with me, but I don’t understand what you want with a Caribbean country.”

It seems that Putin told his orange counterpart that the tiny country poses a serious threat to Russia.

It is clear that Montenegro does indeed pose such a threat because they’ve amassed their soldier on Russia’s border. And not only that, he has their gun.

Clearly this aggressive nation is the world’s most dangerous since Freedonia and its dictatorial ruler, Rufus T. Firefly aka Groucho Marx. When Trump was given this information, he said, “I hate Marx. I hate all commies.”

After Ivanka left, Trump summoned Sarah Sanders to the Oval Office. “Good to see you, Sarah.” She said, “Thank you sir,” but then she became nervous and asked, “You didn’t drink a lot of water today, did you?”