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VERY STABLE GENIUS

VERY STABLE GENIUS

Seeing the President display even more bizarre behavior than usual, Donald Trump’s staff suggested that he to talk to a trained professional. Trump’s response was, “Oh goody, hookers.”

When his staff explained what they meant, Trump agreed to meet with a shrink on the condition that it not be made public.

The staff chose esteemed psychiatrist Dr. Michael Lerner. Lerner is known for his occasional competence and being the first shrink to charge his patients by the neurosis.

In order to keep the session secret, the appointment was made under the name Very Stable Genius.

The session:

Very Stable Genius: You’ve gotta help me, Doc. I can’t get Nancy Pelosi out of my head. I don’t think people know how horrible that is.

Lerner: I think they do. You’re in the heads of millions of people and they’re all trying to get you out.

VSG: How do you know that?

Lerner: Knitting needle sales are way up… What else is bothering you?

VSG: Well, the people around me… they’re downers, always upset.

Lerner: For instance.

 

VSG: Like John Bolton. His whole life, he’s wanted to start an illegitimate war for young American men and women to die in… I mean, it’s good to have goals, but I can’t let him do that. It could cost me votes.

Lerner was able to avoid throwing up.

Lerner: Think, something must be going well for you?

VSG: Well, at least the morons who only care about overturning Roe v. Wade don’t seem to notice that I’m stealing their country and giving it to Vladimir Putin.

Lerner: Right… Anything else make you happy?

VSG: Let me see… Yes, Lindsay Graham.

Lerner: As I remember, you didn’t like each other at first.

VSG: I know, but we’re friends now.

Lerner: What do you attribute that to?

VSG: Well, when John McCain died, they buried Lindsey Graham’s morals and ethics with him… Trust me, life is so much easier without morals and ethics… You know Doc, I feel a lot better now.

Lerner, under his breath, mumbled, “Crap.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR

BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR

Donald Trump, in order to distract from being found out as the worst businessman in the history of the world, will again embark on another of his pathetic ego boosting tours.

His favorite “Hate is Great Tour” was recently held in Ohio where he bragged to his followers about his latest award from Satan for being the greatest “fraud” in history since Milli Vanilli and Bernie Madoff.

Trump’s latest honor was achieved by telling over ten thousand lies in less than 2 years. As a reward, the Devil assured his bloated disciple that he will, upon Trump’s arrival in hell, furnish him with a death-time supply of idiots stupid enough to believe whatever comes out of his mouth. Even if it’s pieces of a Big Mac.

Lucifer also guaranteed Trump a never-ending stream of racist morons who will applaud his abuse of the English language and disassociated ramblings while continually praising his acts of Presidential cruelty.

Trump told the room that Satan greatly appreciates the way many of them have prostituted Jesus’s teachings to fit their hate-mongering. To accommodate these people,  the Devil, as he awaits their arrival, will enlarge the Strom Thurmond wing of hell.

The applause was deafening.

The President then told everyone, “It’s the Democrats’ fault that Satan has gotten a bad rap for so long. The Devil is an inspiration to all people without morals or a conscience, which includes my entire family and everyone working in the White House, most especially Stephen Miller who I applaud for being the world’s leading self-hating Jew.”

Hearing the word, “Jew” the crowd began jumping around wildly and chanting, “Down with unleavened bread.” Several in the crowd tried nailing a piece of matzoh to a cross, but it kept breaking.

Prior to introducing Ted Nugent and his “Musical Hate Band,” and after lauding his own skills as a businessman, Trump left the stage and walked among his followers asking, “Can anyone loan me a few dollars?”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

IT’S MILLER TIME

IT’S MILLER TIME

Trump sycophant Stephen Miller, who hopes one day to lead his own Panzer division, has been tasked by his boss to quickly solve America’s immigration problem. Miller, a brilliant and even crueler strategist, knew exactly who to call.

Getting Lori Loughlin on the phone, he proceeded to charm her by telling her how much he’d always enjoyed her as the housekeeper on “Diff’rent Strokes.”

He then asked her to answer her country’s call and help solve our immigration issues by getting as many illegal aliens into USC as possible.

Loughlin liked the idea, but before committing, she wanted assurances that that being a wealthy, uncaring, marginally talented actress and felon was no longer a crime in Donald Trump’s America. Miller reassured her by saying, “Of course it’s not. Just look at our Cabinet.”

Loughlin thought it over and felt confident that a judge would recognize her patriotism for helping the Trump administration and only sentence her to picking up trash on the White House lawn, which consists mainly of Big Mac wrappers and the shattered dreams of decent Americans.

The “Full House” star accepted Miller’s offer and immediately pulled together a plan where, using Photoshop, she could show the administrators at USC that Hispanics at the border would be a great addition to the school’s bull fighting team.

Having solved the nation’s immigration problem, Miller felt that he was entitled to go out and have some fun. He drove to a nearby mall, and when young mothers weren’t looking, moved their baby carriages to another floor.

When he got back to his office he called Trump who took the call even though he was standing in front of a full-length mirror proposing to himself. The Narcissist and Chief liked Miller’s idea and added that he was himself a big bullfighting fan and hoped one day to cut off Nancy Pelosi’s ears.

theleftwinggazette.com