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IT’S MILLER TIME

IT’S MILLER TIME

Trump sycophant Stephen Miller, who hopes one day to lead his own Panzer division, has been tasked by his boss to quickly solve America’s immigration problem. Miller, a brilliant and even crueler strategist, knew exactly who to call.

Getting Lori Loughlin on the phone, he proceeded to charm her by telling her how much he’d always enjoyed her as the housekeeper on “Diff’rent Strokes.”

He then asked her to answer her country’s call and help solve our immigration issues by getting as many illegal aliens into USC as possible.

Loughlin liked the idea, but before committing, she wanted assurances that that being a wealthy, uncaring, marginally talented actress and felon was no longer a crime in Donald Trump’s America. Miller reassured her by saying, “Of course it’s not. Just look at our Cabinet.”

Loughlin thought it over and felt confident that a judge would recognize her patriotism for helping the Trump administration and only sentence her to picking up trash on the White House lawn, which consists mainly of Big Mac wrappers and the shattered dreams of decent Americans.

The “Full House” star accepted Miller’s offer and immediately pulled together a plan where, using Photoshop, she could show the administrators at USC that Hispanics at the border would be a great addition to the school’s bull fighting team.

Having solved the nation’s immigration problem, Miller felt that he was entitled to go out and have some fun. He drove to a nearby mall, and when young mothers weren’t looking, moved their baby carriages to another floor.

When he got back to his office he called Trump who took the call even though he was standing in front of a full-length mirror proposing to himself. The Narcissist and Chief liked Miller’s idea and added that he was himself a big bullfighting fan and hoped one day to cut off Nancy Pelosi’s ears.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

TRUMP’S PAL

TRUMP’S PAL

Cornered like a rat, Donald Trump needed to vent, so he speed-dialed his BFF, Satan. The devil actually despises him, but treats him well because Trump’s one of his best producers.

When Trump called, he was put on hold for fifteen minutes by Satan’s secretary, Strom Thurmond.

The Devil finally got on the line:

Trump: I need to talk, sir. I’m really worried.

Devil: “Worried?” Don’t be. I’ve got your back.

Trump: I appreciate-

Devil: But I can’t cover your ass. Do you have tarp?

Trump: Don’t kibitz, sir. I’m very concerned. My poll numbers are tanking. Maybe I’m selling out my country too fast.

Devil: Just relax. You’re doing a splendid job. Shutting down your government to crush those federal workers and everyone they do business with, great. And I figure about a year before you destroy the healthy economy Obama left you.

Trump: I’m counting the days.

Devil: And don’t think that separating Hispanic children from their parents at the border and f**ki*g the Kurds has gone unnoticed down here.

Trump: Well, Vladimir has some great ideas… You know, he’s very popular in Russia. Maybe I should take my shirt off and sit on a horse.

Devil: Please don’t… Look, just think of your future here in Hell. When you arrive you’ll have the best accommodations and cable, but you’ll have to carry your own bags.

Trump: Pence will do that.

Devil: He won’t. Vice President Wonder Bread will be going to a newly- opened rung where he’ll wait tables in a gay bar.

Trump: You are real pisser, S-Man.

Devil: You haven’t heard the best part — his wife’s the bartender.

Trump: I love it… But can we talk about my numbers? I’m thinking of taking a new approach and showing some compassion.

CLICK

Trump: Satan… Satan?… Shit.

theleftwinggazette.com

BROOM

BROOM

For his final magical misinformation tour before the midterms, the President boarded his plane, Air Fear One, and then personally wanded everyone boarding to be sure none of them was sneaking any compassion, decency or morals on board. When Trump finished, he was satisfied that his flight would have its usual venom- packed ambiance.

The flight was so crowded with his Party’s many bigots and racist candidates that there wasn’t room for regular staffers like Sarah Sanders. Fortunately, she was able to make the trip on her Ann Coulter “White Supremacist 400X Broom.” The broom is not only fast, but Sanders says it makes her feel like a sexual person. She and Lindsey Graham often regale one another with their broom-induced sexual fantasies.

Cabinet members and advisors, not aboard the plane, went to Trump’s newly opened Strom Thurmond Conference Room to Skype with him. The room boasts an original décor of “Ropes Through the Ages.” All donated by well known plantation owner, Jeff (The South Will Rise Again) Sessions.

After wiping their feet on the United States Constitution, our government officials entered the Thurmond Conference Room and turned on their Skypes to see the President trying to free himself from the child’s beach pail his head was trapped in. Trump was struggling to breathe and his life was in jeopardy when Ivanka and Jared rushed in and cut the pail from his neck using the Jews of Life.

The President finally began the session by demanding to know who was in charge of acquiring the “pipe bomber guy’s van for my grandkids.” Kellyanne Conway chimed in by saying she’d gone to the Florida jail to see where Cesar Sayoc, the new “hero-of-the-far-right,” was being held. She was not allowed to see Sayoc and was, in fact, lucky to escape with her life after the jail’s electronic security system identified her as poisonous snake. “I was lucky to slither out of there alive,” she remarked.

Suddenly, the plane began shaking violently. Trump and everyone else thought they were done for, but then they looked out their windows and realized that it was just Sarah Sanders having a broomgasm.

theleftwinggazette.com