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TRUMP’S PAL

TRUMP’S PAL

Cornered like a rat, Donald Trump needed to vent, so he speed-dialed his BFF, Satan. The devil actually despises him, but treats him well because Trump’s one of his best producers.

When Trump called, he was put on hold for fifteen minutes by Satan’s secretary, Strom Thurmond.

The Devil finally got on the line:

Trump: I need to talk, sir. I’m really worried.

Devil: “Worried?” Don’t be. I’ve got your back.

Trump: I appreciate-

Devil: But I can’t cover your ass. Do you have tarp?

Trump: Don’t kibitz, sir. I’m very concerned. My poll numbers are tanking. Maybe I’m selling out my country too fast.

Devil: Just relax. You’re doing a splendid job. Shutting down your government to crush those federal workers and everyone they do business with, great. And I figure about a year before you destroy the healthy economy Obama left you.

Trump: I’m counting the days.

Devil: And don’t think that separating Hispanic children from their parents at the border and f**ki*g the Kurds has gone unnoticed down here.

Trump: Well, Vladimir has some great ideas… You know, he’s very popular in Russia. Maybe I should take my shirt off and sit on a horse.

Devil: Please don’t… Look, just think of your future here in Hell. When you arrive you’ll have the best accommodations and cable, but you’ll have to carry your own bags.

Trump: Pence will do that.

Devil: He won’t. Vice President Wonder Bread will be going to a newly- opened rung where he’ll wait tables in a gay bar.

Trump: You are real pisser, S-Man.

Devil: You haven’t heard the best part — his wife’s the bartender.

Trump: I love it… But can we talk about my numbers? I’m thinking of taking a new approach and showing some compassion.

CLICK

Trump: Satan… Satan?… Shit.

theleftwinggazette.com

BROOM

BROOM

For his final magical misinformation tour before the midterms, the President boarded his plane, Air Fear One, and then personally wanded everyone boarding to be sure none of them was sneaking any compassion, decency or morals on board. When Trump finished, he was satisfied that his flight would have its usual venom- packed ambiance.

The flight was so crowded with his Party’s many bigots and racist candidates that there wasn’t room for regular staffers like Sarah Sanders. Fortunately, she was able to make the trip on her Ann Coulter “White Supremacist 400X Broom.” The broom is not only fast, but Sanders says it makes her feel like a sexual person. She and Lindsey Graham often regale one another with their broom-induced sexual fantasies.

Cabinet members and advisors, not aboard the plane, went to Trump’s newly opened Strom Thurmond Conference Room to Skype with him. The room boasts an original décor of “Ropes Through the Ages.” All donated by well known plantation owner, Jeff (The South Will Rise Again) Sessions.

After wiping their feet on the United States Constitution, our government officials entered the Thurmond Conference Room and turned on their Skypes to see the President trying to free himself from the child’s beach pail his head was trapped in. Trump was struggling to breathe and his life was in jeopardy when Ivanka and Jared rushed in and cut the pail from his neck using the Jews of Life.

The President finally began the session by demanding to know who was in charge of acquiring the “pipe bomber guy’s van for my grandkids.” Kellyanne Conway chimed in by saying she’d gone to the Florida jail to see where Cesar Sayoc, the new “hero-of-the-far-right,” was being held. She was not allowed to see Sayoc and was, in fact, lucky to escape with her life after the jail’s electronic security system identified her as poisonous snake. “I was lucky to slither out of there alive,” she remarked.

Suddenly, the plane began shaking violently. Trump and everyone else thought they were done for, but then they looked out their windows and realized that it was just Sarah Sanders having a broomgasm.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

PROFILE IN COURAGE

PROFILE IN COURAGE

A forty-seven page indictment was handed down last week accusing California Congressman Duncan Hunter and his wife of misappropriating campaign funds. Hunter was the second Republican Congressman to be indicted this month.

Learning that the Hunters had stolen two-hundred-fifty–thousand dollars over seven years, Donald Trump stopped tweeting a lot of misspelled words and became furious, stating, “No self-respecting Republican with that much time to do it would steal so little money. He’s a disgrace. Now Paul Manafort, that’s a crook our party can be proud of.”

Hunter, a former Marine, acted like anything but one when he blamed his spouse, Margaret, for stealing the campaign funds. He tried to underscore his point by adding, “My wife also ate my homework.”

Hunter represents a district in San Diego that is redder then a baboon’s ass. Also representing an equally baboon assed district of California is practicing fascist, Congressman Dana Rohrabacher. A longtime friend of the Hunters, Rohrabacher raced to their defense, saying, “Duncan’s a good man and so is his wife.”

Hunter appeared to be squeaky-clean to his constituents, but was known in Washington for his partying and frequenting bars where he’d become abusive and pick fights. Sometime with other patrons, sometimes with coat racks.

It got so bad that in 2016, John Boehner called him in and told him to “Cut the crap.”

Hunter didn’t. The excessive drinking continued as did his stealing of campaign funds. One charge in the indictment states that some of that money was used to buy a plane ticket for his service dog. This ended in tragedy when he and his wife were seated across the aisle from a man traveling with his service crocodile.

Hunter recently joined all other Republican Congressmen who’ve developed back trouble and hired the Joe Friday Detective Agency to locate their spines. Unfortunately the detectives have yet to turn up any spines, but while searching in hell they did come across the Congressmen’s souls.

theleftwinggazette.com