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Category: Wake up America!

TRUMP’S EMPATHY

TRUMP’S EMPATHY

When Donald Trump arrived Monday in storm ravaged northwest Florida, a part of the Sunshine State that’s politically redder than a baboon’s ass, over one thousand traumatized people, most of them his supporters, had turned out. Many were each other’s cousins and twenty-five percent were their own stepdaughters.

Trump, having been advised to try and fake as much empathy as possible, looked up the word. He repeated it to himself dozens of times and knew he could pull it off as he launched into his speech.

“HELLO FLORIDA!… My heart breaks for everyone here. I understand your fears and want to assure all of you that despite this nightmare, I’m still very rich.”

They cheered.

Trump mopped his brow. “How do you people live in this humidity? Friends, if you’re smart, after I leave, you’ll return directly to the air-conditioned comfort of your homes.”

An advisor called to him:

Trump: What? They don’t have homes? Why?… Oh, Hurricane Michele… What? Hurricane Michael? Got it.”… I want you all to know that I’ve spoken to House Speaker Ryan and he promises me that our Republican congress will commit almost five-hundred dollars to your recovery.”

They applauded.

Trump: The Speaker asked me to say “doody” to all of you… What? Right… Everyone, he wanted me to say “howdy,” so, Howdy Doody… Look folks, thanks to Hurricane Mitzi, you people are in for a very long and difficult time. The older among you won’t live to see this area restored. And when I say “older,” I mean everyone over thirty-five. Regardless of age, all of you will be eaten alive by mosquitoes, some carrying diseases that were long thought to have been eradicated, but are now staging a nice comeback. Your water won’t be clean for years, so dysentery will be rampant here. But, not to worry, I’m making a personal donation to help all of you.

He called to Melania, “Sweetheart, would you get the toilet paper off the plane?”

Someone called out, “What’s toilet paper?”

Trump ignored Governor Scott and said, “I’d like to stay longer but I have to get to Mar-a-Lago to play golf.” He turned and waddled back to Air-Force-One.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

PARANOIA SUMMIT

PARANOIA SUMMIT

It appears that the world’s two most mentally unstable leaders will soon sit down with each other in Singapore. Trump has already begun to downplay expectations by telling people that the first meeting will just be a meet n’ sniff.

Before contacting Kim Jong-Un, the President finished building a shelf for his upcoming Nobel Prize. Realizing that his woodworking made him a tradesman, Trump immediately cheated himself out of some money.

A number of secret phone calls have taken place between the two to discuss their upcoming historic fiasco. In their initial phone call, Un told Trump that he too was into porno stars and porno in general. He then asked if he could get some nude pictures of Sarah Sanders.

After Trump stopped laughing, he told Un that only one person had ever taken a nude photo of Sarah Sanders, and his sight is yet to return.

The President redirected the conversation, telling Un that it was very shortsighted to have called Mike Pence, “a political moron,” when in fact he’s an idiot in many other areas as well. He went on to tell Un, “Mike is a real renaissance moron.”

Un told Trump he couldn’t give up his nuclear weapons because he’s afraid Trump would bomb his country. The President promised the Supreme Leader, “I have no intention of bombing North Korea that often.”

Our President, ever the statesman, complimented Un by telling him, “I really envy your freedom to murder whoever you like. I have a long list of people I’d like to kill, but despite my best efforts to put an end to them, some people in my country still have morals.”

Un bragged, “My morals are lower than yours.” Trump replied, “Are not.” “Are so.” “Are not.” And so it went for about twenty minutes.

On a personal note, I have great hopes for this meeting. Trump and Un in the same room… what could possibly go wrong?

theleftwinggazette.com

 

SCOTT PRUITT

SCOTT PRUITT

EPA chief Scott Pruitt, according to the periodical “Republican Greed Monthly,” was born in Kentucky to parents who were deeply religious and heavily committed to their church, “Our Lady of Perpetual Self Entitlement.”

His parents wanted only the best for the boy, and when Scott’s teeth finally came in, they had them removed so that one day he’d be able to fit in with Kentucky society.

The family had to leave Kentucky when Scott started writing love letters to a race horse, Countess Darlene. Darlene didn’t want to break off the relationship becaue Pruitt often took her out for oats and a movie.

Fearing they might one day end up with a speedy grandchild with a tail, the Pruitts moved to Oklahoma, where the morons come sweeping down the plain.

On the family’s journey there, his folks told him stories about the state’s famous dust bowl. Young Scott was terribly disappointed when they arrived in Oklahoma and he didn’t see poor people starving to death in the streets. Mr. and Mrs. Pruitt were ecstatic, now knowing for certain that their child would grow up to be a Republican.

Pruitt studied law and graduated magna cum laude from the University of Tulsa’s prestigious “Sanford and Son School of Law.” He entered politics and soon became the Attorney General of Oklahoma.

As the state’s A.G., he quickly eliminated his office’s EPA unit and sued the EPA fourteen times, all the while sending nude pictures of himself to Countess Darlene.

As Pruitt was the worst possible choice for the Job, Donald Trump, in his never-ending quest to hire the least qualified people he could find, appointed him head of the EPA.

Pruitt recently said the EPA “has been a bastion of liberalism since day one.”

We can’t really argue with this point, as the EPA was begun in 1970 under commie left wing President Richard Nixon.

theleftwinggazette.com