When Donald Trump arrived Monday in storm ravaged northwest Florida, a part of the Sunshine State that’s politically redder than a baboon’s ass, over one thousand traumatized people, most of them his supporters, had turned out. Many were each other’s cousins and twenty-five percent were their own stepdaughters.
Trump, having been advised to try and fake as much empathy as possible, looked up the word. He repeated it to himself dozens of times and knew he could pull it off as he launched into his speech.
“HELLO FLORIDA!… My heart breaks for everyone here. I understand your fears and want to assure all of you that despite this nightmare, I’m still very rich.”
Trump mopped his brow. “How do you people live in this humidity? Friends, if you’re smart, after I leave, you’ll return directly to the air-conditioned comfort of your homes.”
An advisor called to him:
Trump: What? They don’t have homes? Why?… Oh, Hurricane Michele… What? Hurricane Michael? Got it.”… I want you all to know that I’ve spoken to House Speaker Ryan and he promises me that our Republican congress will commit almost five-hundred dollars to your recovery.”
Trump: The Speaker asked me to say “doody” to all of you… What? Right… Everyone, he wanted me to say “howdy,” so, Howdy Doody… Look folks, thanks to Hurricane Mitzi, you people are in for a very long and difficult time. The older among you won’t live to see this area restored. And when I say “older,” I mean everyone over thirty-five. Regardless of age, all of you will be eaten alive by mosquitoes, some carrying diseases that were long thought to have been eradicated, but are now staging a nice comeback. Your water won’t be clean for years, so dysentery will be rampant here. But, not to worry, I’m making a personal donation to help all of you.
He called to Melania, “Sweetheart, would you get the toilet paper off the plane?”
Someone called out, “What’s toilet paper?”
Trump ignored Governor Scott and said, “I’d like to stay longer but I have to get to Mar-a-Lago to play golf.” He turned and waddled back to Air-Force-One.”