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Category: Wake up America!

STATE OF HIS UNION

STATE OF HIS UNION

It should be noted that the person most deserving of a shout-out from America is Marvin Mack, America’s leading elephant reamer, who, used his own shovel and cleaned up the mess behind the podium after Trump’s State of the Union speech.

Basking in the glow of the speech, Donald Trump went back to the Oval Office where his many sycophants were lining up to kiss his ass.

Trump went to the middle of the room, dropped trow and bent over, his ass facing the door. People were able to kiss it while remaining in the hallway.

Mike Pence, the corpse sitting behind the President at the State of the Union, was first in line. Kellyanne Conway, Stephen Miller and many others devoid of morals, followed Pence.

This proved to be very profitable for Melania Trump, who had set up a Lavoris stand at the end of the hallway. Lavoris is her mouthwash of choice for when her husband kisses her. That mainly happens when she’s asleep and unable to defend herself.

After the unsavory ritual was completed, Trump huddled with his advisors and bragged about his most memorable line of the night. That being: “If there’s going to be peace and legislation, there cannot be war and investigation.”

He told one of his aides to make that into a sign and hang it above the doorway. The aide reminded Trump that he would be replacing the current sign, “Abandon hope all ye who enter here.” Trump responded, “Put that one over the entrance to my bedroom, and if Sarah Sanders has chained herself to my bed again, throw her out.”

Trump’s mood soured as he brought up the many investigations he and his family are facing. For the first time ever, he admitted that, “My family and I could be in real trouble.” He thought for a few seconds and then said, “Get me a list of my family members so I can decide which ones go under the bus first.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

TRUMP’S FOLLEY

TRUMP’S FOLLY

After achieving a new low in Presidential insincerity with his border-wall address to the nation, Donald Trump sat alone in the Oval Office. He knew that no-one other than his core supporters bought his fictions.

It should be noted that thanks to the prosperity Trump has brought to those supporters, most expect to have their Studebakers paid off in a couple of years.

Trump had hoped to bounce some new bulls**t off of his co-Presidents, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter, but the two lovebirds were unreachable in the Bahamas.

“TMZ” recently reported that Coulter fell in love with Rush when he told her, “You’re every bit as attractive as Norman Bates’s mother.”

Knowing that Trump had laid another egg, some Republicans met secretly to try and figure out how to end the shutdown. The meeting’s attendees planned to let the most respected Republican in the room chair the session, but then realized there aren’t any respected Republicans and went for their least respected member.

Mike Pence called the meeting to order. He looked under a desk and said, “Mitch, it’s safe to come out now. Nobody is going to actually ask you to do your job.”

McConnell felt relieved, but was terrified of the Hispanic waiters in the room serving coffee. After Kellyanne Conway frisked them, he was finally coaxed to slither out from under the desk. McConnell tried to stand, but ended up face down on the floor after stepping on several of his chins.

A panicked Sarah Sanders rose and told the room, “Look, we’ve got to do something because I’m running out of shutdown lies.”

The room gasped. The thought of her running out of lies was even more terrifying to them than helping poor people.

McConnell asked if anyone had any idea how to get the big orange baboon to change his mind. Minutes of silence ensued until one of the waiters asked, “Don’t any of you gringos have Putin’s number?”

The room erupted with applause.

Later that day the waiter was deported.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

TRUMP’S EMPATHY

TRUMP’S EMPATHY

When Donald Trump arrived Monday in storm ravaged northwest Florida, a part of the Sunshine State that’s politically redder than a baboon’s ass, over one thousand traumatized people, most of them his supporters, had turned out. Many were each other’s cousins and twenty-five percent were their own stepdaughters.

Trump, having been advised to try and fake as much empathy as possible, looked up the word. He repeated it to himself dozens of times and knew he could pull it off as he launched into his speech.

“HELLO FLORIDA!… My heart breaks for everyone here. I understand your fears and want to assure all of you that despite this nightmare, I’m still very rich.”

They cheered.

Trump mopped his brow. “How do you people live in this humidity? Friends, if you’re smart, after I leave, you’ll return directly to the air-conditioned comfort of your homes.”

An advisor called to him:

Trump: What? They don’t have homes? Why?… Oh, Hurricane Michele… What? Hurricane Michael? Got it.”… I want you all to know that I’ve spoken to House Speaker Ryan and he promises me that our Republican congress will commit almost five-hundred dollars to your recovery.”

They applauded.

Trump: The Speaker asked me to say “doody” to all of you… What? Right… Everyone, he wanted me to say “howdy,” so, Howdy Doody… Look folks, thanks to Hurricane Mitzi, you people are in for a very long and difficult time. The older among you won’t live to see this area restored. And when I say “older,” I mean everyone over thirty-five. Regardless of age, all of you will be eaten alive by mosquitoes, some carrying diseases that were long thought to have been eradicated, but are now staging a nice comeback. Your water won’t be clean for years, so dysentery will be rampant here. But, not to worry, I’m making a personal donation to help all of you.

He called to Melania, “Sweetheart, would you get the toilet paper off the plane?”

Someone called out, “What’s toilet paper?”

Trump ignored Governor Scott and said, “I’d like to stay longer but I have to get to Mar-a-Lago to play golf.” He turned and waddled back to Air-Force-One.”

theleftwinggazette.com