President Trump was kind enough to put a short hold on his relentless drive to undo every decent thing that America has accomplished over the last sixty years in order to give us us an interview.
We were ushered into the Oval Office and found it to be most impressive except for the two-hundred Big Mac wrappers on the floor.
While we wanted to discuss Trump’s military parade, we felt that first we had to approach his Rob Porter problem.
Us: Mr. Trump, your use of the words “mere allegations” seemed dismissive of the serious nature of domestic abuse.
Trump: Look, I know that sometimes domestic abuse is a bad thing. But believe me when I tell you that Rob Porter is a good man.
Us: And you know this, how?
Us: Because he’s nice to me and he gave me his word that he’s never hit a woman over seventy.
Us: Uh… maybe we should move on. People want to know why you want a military parade.
Trump: I want to stand on a podium and have my army salute me while the band plays “Eve of Destruction.” I don’t see why people are so upset. Lots of countries do it.
Us: Mostly countries run by dictators.
Trump: What’s your point?… Look, my parade will be the best parade, and it will be led by America’s oldest Medal of Honor winner, Beetle Bailey.
Us: Is it meant to serve as a warning to North Korea?
Trump: Absolutely. North… that’s the bad Korea, right?
Us: Right… Many are saying that your parade will cost too much.
Trump: Ridiculous. We already have the tanks and missiles. And I’m a great negotiator, so I’ll get us a great price on the jackboots and Kaiser Wilhelm pointy hats.
Us: Many of your critics believe that a parade will stamp you as a war monger.
Trump: Those people are just jealous because I have a brilliant military mind. The best military mind. And, believe me, the world will celebrate Donald Trump next week when I’ll reveal my plans to invade Russia this winter.