Donald Trump’s advisors have done a good job of covering up the fact that a few candidates have turned down Trump’s cabinet offers with excuses like, “I have to wash my hair every day until 2020” and “I just signed up for a four year Brazilian.”

It has leaked out that an offer to be Secretary of Education was rejected by evangelical Reverend Jerry Falwell Jr., President of Liberty University, the world’s largest Christian University. Liberty specializes in turning out some of America’s most closed minds. Minds that will never ask a question deeper or more probing than, “What’s for dinner?”

Falwell Jr. was an early supporter of Trump, the world’s biggest non-religious heathen other than Satan. Trump, of course had long admired Falwell Jr. for being a leader in the popular Christianity for Profit movement.

Trump brought Falwell and his family to Trump Tower and offered him the Education Secretary position.

Falwell, impressed by shiny and shallow things (Trump in particular),  gushed to reporters about how the billionaire allowed his family to watch his big screen TV, offered them lunch and personally served the family burgers and fries from Wendy’s. Falwell was also ecstatic that when Trump dropped a burger in his sixteen-year-old daughter’s lap, he cleaned it up himself.

This evangelical with a blind spot the size of Texas regretfully turned Trump down, saying, “I have a potentially fatal allergy to educating minorities.”

After leaving the meeting, Falwell blathered on about how he never admired anyone as much the President-elect. To drive his point home, Falwell then called, wrote, emailed, faxed and tweeted Trump about just how special he was.

Liberty University will now offer degrees in Selling Out Your Principles and Advanced Ass-Kissing.


Ken Hecht

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