In our never-ending quest to always bring you the best in fake news, we invited Donald Trump to write an editorial for this paper, but John Kelly wouldn’t let him because Trump only knows the alphabet up to “L.”

We settled on a high-ranking and particularly mean-spirited Republican, Jeff Sessions. Initially Sessions wanted to write an article called, “Slavery: The answer to unemployment. Look Away, Look Away, Look Away Dixieland.”

When we told him we wouldn’t permit that, he chose to explain the Republican Party’s agenda.

Sessions: Our longest held goal is to slam on America’s brakes, jam the nation into reverse and get us back to the 50s ASAP. The 1950s were the last time our country was truly great. This prodigious period was marked by systemic thought repression and rigidity in hopes of stultifying our children’s minds and destroying their curiosity. Ah, good times.

America’s destruction began in 1964 when a scruffy singer named Bob Dylan released a subversive song called “The Times They Are Starting to Change Now” or something like that.

The song’s subversive lyrics penetrated the minds of young people that were not yet sealed shut by Republican dogma.

This seditious song “The Times Are Becoming Different a Lot” was aimed at America’s youth and led them to commit traitorous acts, like asking questions.

The Republican Party believes that questions often lead to knowledge. Acquiring knowledge often leads  people to ask even more questions which leads to even more knowledge. This leads to fewer morons, and the very existence of our Party depends on morons.

Dylan’s song “Changing Times Are Here Too Much Now” also caused 1950s and 60s women, once content from their excessive use of tranquilizers, to start questioning things. Republicans owe much gratitude to the makers of Miltown and Milprem for numbing women’s minds and keeping their movement at bay for more than a decade.

Research is yet to reveal why these sedated and happy women became discontent with men making all of their decisions. Women’s unnatural desire to be treated as equals is still an ongoing crisis. Thankfully, Merck is working on a  cure for it.

In closing, keep in mind that our wonderful extreme right-wing candidates have all pledged to work to undo the rights of women and other annoying groups.

Remember, never ask questions and always vote Republican!

Jeff Sessions



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