John Bolton, who until recently served as America’s National Security Advisor, and a man who never visited a country he didn’t want to bomb, has recently confirmed the nation’s long-held belief that Rudy Giuliani is a hand grenade in the underpants of America.

Giuliani was an easy hire for Donald Trump, as he ticked all the boxes Trump believes matter: excellent liar, devoid of morals, and lacking the class of two dead flies.

It’s easy to see how Rudy came by the grace, charm and wit he’s known for, as his father served time in Sing Sing for armed robbery and assault and then went on to become an enforcer for a loan shark.

Rudy’s favorite Christmas gifts were brass knuckles, lead pipes and poisoned-tipped candy canes.

He considered becoming a priest and asked God if that was the right path for him, but God responded, “Blow me, you dickwad.”

Giuliani decided to go a different way and has been married three times. Stanford University has received a grant from the Institute for Salamander Advancement to study how it was possible for him to marry out of his species that many times.

Rudy was a life-long Democrat until he switched to Independent in 1975 and Republican in 1980. His mother, after her son was born, was adamant that his father Harold have his tubes tied. Harold agreed, but since that procedure wasn’t available back then, he tied them with his shoelaces.

His mother always maintained that Rudy only became a Republican after they started giving him prestigious jobs. She’s quoted as saying, “He’s definitely not a conservative Republican. He thinks he is, but he isn’t. He stills feels very sorry for the poor.”

Clearly, being a conservative Republican has helped Rudy overcome the afflictions of caring and empathy.

Giuliani keeps his head held high as one of Donald Trump’s personal attorneys yet to be imprisoned.


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