Prior to departing for Orlando to kick off his 2020 campaign, America’s fake President sat down with The Left Wing Gazette, America’s most honored fake newspaper.

Us: Mr. Trump, would you care to comment on having to withdraw acting Secretary of Defense Patrick Shanahan’s nomination?

Trump: Well, it’s the nation’s loss, really. I know Patrick and he was somewhat qualified for the job and would have served America adequately.

Us: What about his family’s domestic violence problem?

Trump: It’s not clear what happened there, but I want every American to know that I’m against domestic violence and that men must learn not to beat their wives any more than necessary.

Us: Great advice, sir… How do you feel about Sarah Sanders stepping down as your press secretary?

Trump: Well, of course, I’ll really miss her.

Us: Perhaps you’ll be reunited in Hell.

Trump: I’ll have to talk to Satan about that when we have lunch next week.… Lips, the only ones softer on my ass than Sarah’s were those of fake Christians like Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson… My re-election hinges on my Bible buds continuing to spread hate as the word of God.

Us: Have you ever actually read the Bible, sir?

Trump: I don’t need to. Charlton Heston’s a great friend of mine. I’m even thinking of nominating him to be our new Secretary of Defense.

Us: He’s been dead for over ten years, sir.

Trump: Too bad. He’d have closed the chariot gap with our enemies, England and France.

Us: Forgetting politics for a moment, we were wondering why the Trumps don’t have a dog.

Trump: What a dumb question. A dog would take attention away from me. And dogs are shit machines. They’re stupid and they crap all over everything. I’ve got Don Jr. for that.

Us: Is that why you have plastic slipcovers on the White House couches?

Trump: That and the fact that he sheds, too… And just for the record, I once had a dog.

Us: What happened?

Trump: It coughed.

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