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JARED and IVANKA

JARED and IVANKA

Jared and Ivanka Kushner, hiding out since the stable genius called himself the King of Israel, agreed to sit down with The Left Wing Gazette because they were really bored.

The first thing we asked them was about was what attracted them to each other.

Ivanka: I think it was destiny. After all, his father was a slumlord and my grandfather and father were slumlords.

LWG: Your father’s not currently a slumlord?

Ivanka: No. Unfortunately, his slums filed for bankruptcy several years ago.

Jared: It was quite sad, actually. My father-in-law had the best poor people. Minorities. You know, the kind of poor people you really enjoy taking advantage of.

Ivanka: We were very involved in their lives when I was growing up.

LWG: How so?

Ivanka: Daddy would take my brothers and me to his slums to learn about various diseases… My favorite was osteoporosis. That’s when I knew I was going to be an important part of the Women’s Movement.

Jared: She’s today’s Gloria Steinem, but with factories in China.

LWG: You’re both advisors to the President. What’s that experience been like?

Jared: It’s very rewarding. He cares more about us than any of the other people he doesn’t listen to.

LWG: He never listens to you?

Ivanka: Sometimes he does. Like when Jared’s out of town and Daddy and I play our special bathtub game.

LWG: And you’re okay with that, Jared?

Jared: It’s in the prenup.

LWG: Ivanka, you weren’t raised Jewish, but converted when you married Jared.

Ivanka: That’s right. And I want you to tell both of your readers just how proud I am of Jared for bringing peace to the Middle East.

LWG: I guess delusion can be hereditary.

Ivanka: What?

LWG: Never mind. Was it difficult changing religions?

Ivanka: Not really. It’s just as easy to not believe in one God as another.

LWG: Do you enjoy being Jewish?

Ivanka: I really do.

Jared: Passover’s her favorite holiday.

Ivanka: It is.

LWG: Why’s that?

Ivanka: I love blowing the shofar.

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