Right-wing religious loon, Ken Cuccinelli, has been made Acting Director of Citizenship and Immigration Services. Another Republican who uses the Bible to promote hate and persecution, he is a perfect fit for Donald Trump’s sprint back to the 50’s team. Cuccinelli has denied being a bigot, saying, “I don’t dislike Jews more than necessary and I strongly support Black Lives Matter Somewhat.”

Cuccinelli almost failed Trump’s rigorous vetting and was almost denied the job because his lips have often been mistaken for Wheat Thins. They’re so flat that they’ve embarrassed him since he was a child when his uncle, Billy Bob Satan, used to make fun of them. He believes that the man who deflated Tom Brady’s balls did the same to his lips and has requested that Brady check his balls for fingerprints.

Trump feared he wouldn’t be able to feel Cuccinelli’s lips on his ass, but hired him after he promised he’d get weekly Botox injections.

Immediately after assuming office, Cuccinelli, a gifted literary talent, rewrote the poem found on the Statue of Liberty. He’s currently campaigning to change the iconic monument’s name to the “Statue of “Get the ‘F‘Out of Here”

Cuccinelli has staked out strong positions against homosexuality, bi-sexuality and sex without written permission. Believing that sex is the woman’s fault, he’s campaigned to outlaw estrogen except as a weed killer.

When he and his wife have sex, he insists that the Lawrence Welk music be turned up, that the room be pitch black and that he and his wife be blindfolded. This might account for them each having made passionate love to their clothes caddies, which have notably more warmth than they do.

It should be noted that they are a childless couple, so… Yay.









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