On September 25, 2015, House Speaker John Boehner walked into his press conference singing, “Zippity doo-dah Zippity-ay –My, oh, my what a wonderful day.”

He then shocked everybody by announcing that he’d had enough and was retiring.  What he’d had enough of was trying to talk sense to radical-right-wing Tea Partiers whose minds were as tightly closed as their asses.

Last week, Boehner, wearing loose boxers and with a bag of Fritos resting on his stomach, watched Paul Ryan’s vicious health plan go down to defeat because it wasn’t cruel enough for the Tea Party, now called The Freedom Caucus.

Boehner began to laugh hysterically. After several minutes his sides were splitting and he began to gasp for air. He tried to stop, but his joy was too powerful and his laughter continued to build.

Panicked, he dialed 9-1-1. Paramedics arrived quickly and began to mull over the best place to take Boehner in order to stop his paroxysms of mirth. They asked themselves, “Who can put an end to happiness faster than anyone else?” That’s easy, far-right-wing Republicans. They rushed him to the Sisters of Perpetual Torment Medical Center, which is known to be manned by extremist-right-wing doctors, each of whom had had their senses of humor removed rectally.

Boehner was wheeled into the E.R. past the “No cell phones,”  “No smoking” and “No smiling” signs.

The doctors, realizing that Boehner could die if the laughing didn’t stop, decided to go with the nuclear option. This option was known to spread a toxic darkness over all parts of the earth, but they felt they had no choice.

Hours later, with Boehner still hopelessly out of control, the lights began to flicker and ice appeared in the halls of the hospital as they darkened ominously.

People became frightened. An orderly shrieked, “It’s Keyser Soze. He’s here.” Someone else screamed, “No, It’s Satan.”

But it was something far worse, and Boehner’s laughter stopped abruptly when Dick Cheney appeared in the doorway.

His work done, Cheney spun around on his cloven hooves and headed back to the airport where he boarded a private jet and laid down to rest in his travel coffin.

Ken Hecht





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