At last weekend’s CPAC bund meeting, an unhinged Donald Trump let loose with a rant the likes of which would make Randle McMurphy jealous. Trump, who has always shown that he has less control than a hundred-forty year old bladder, is now under siege by Robert Mueller, the U.S. Congress and most people who speak in complete sentences.

He’s become so paranoid that he ordered his sycophants into a meeting to see if he could still trust them. Among the gathered were Kellyanne Conway, Stephen Miller, Sarah Sanders and Mike Pence. Mitch McConnell couldn’t make it but he sent one of his chins.

Trump demanded everyone remove their clothes to prove that none of them was wearing a wire. Stephan Miller immediately began begging to be allowed to keep his underwear on, but Trump refused and Miller had to remove them. The Vice President immediately pointed, exclaiming, “Sweet Jesus, Miller’s been circumcised.” Miller, who quickly covered himself with a Tic-Tac, shot back, “I’m not circumcised. I was in a blender accident.”

Trump said, “I lost my cat that way.” He then went to note silently that Sarah Sanders’ body was covered in Post-It notes with the day’s lies scribbled on them. So fond of her is he that he said nothing about the license plate on her rear end or its slogan, “Land of Enchantment.”

Trump looked at everyone and then remarked, “My dick’s bigger than any of yours. And that includes you, Kellyanne.”

He went on to offer to disrobe like everyone else. Heard from many in the room were shouts of, “You don’t have to.” “For God’s sake, please don’t and “I just had lunch.”

Trump griped, “What the hell’s wrong with you people? Kim Jong Un didn’t mind.” The President thought for a second and mused, “I guess it’s a dictator thing.”

Hearing the word “dictator,” a sexually aroused Stephen Miller stood, raised an arm and shouted, “Zeig Heil.” He’d dropped the Tic-Tac, leaving himself exposed. As he reached for the mint, Sarah Sanders shouted, “Leave it, I want to take a selfie.”

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