On Monday, Donald and Melania Trump climbed into their limo and headed for John Paul Steven’s memorial service. Trump began trying on appropriate sad faces for the memorial.

Trump: How’s this one look?

Melania: That’s your “Nancy Pelosi kicked my ass again” face.

Trump: Screw it. I’ll just wing it like I do with everything else.

The phone rang.

Trump: Hello. Hi, John.

He whispered to Melania. “It’s Bolton again. Crap… No, John, you can’t bomb Iran… No, not even a little bit… Stop whining, dammit. Why don’t you get your paintball gun and go to the Cabinet meeting? That always cheers you up…. Sure, John, you can shoot the negro first.”

He hung up and turned to Melania.

Trump: Fu*king loon… How do I look?

Melania: Like a blivet.

Trump: What’s a blivet?

Melania: Ten pounds of sh*t in a five-pound bag. You need to lose weight. I have to have my haunches replaced.

Trump: Listen, I’m not that fat.

Melania: Please, your ass looks like it came from IKEA.

Trump: You’ve really gone full-bore bitch today, you Slovenian twat.

Melania: Sorry, but I’m stressed. I don’t know how much longer I can go on covering and lying for you… All this tension between us, it’s started to affect Barron.

Trump: Who?

Melania: Our son.

Trump: I don’t remember us having a kid. How old?

Melania: Thirteen. And he’s very smart.

Trump: I have a smart son? Well, one out of three’s not bad… Why don’t I remember him being born?

Melania: Because you weren’t at the hospital. You were off with some hooker whose picture I found in your wallet.

Trump: Oh, Craylene… She was great. She loved me until her sense of smell returned.

They arrived at the Supreme Court and Trump asked, “What about this face?”

Melania: Terrible. Look, what if I told you that you had to pay your debts and that you couldn’t lie and steal anymore?

Melania watched his face… “Perfect, darling”




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