President-elect Trump, wanting to keep America from seeing that he’s just like Al Capone but with less compassion, has had to find quieter ways to satisfy his compulsion for stealing. Melania hasn’t yet figured out who’s been taking money from her purse.

Trump, always desperate for his daily rip-off-fix, has also taken to stealing his own gold Versace silverware and hiding it in his closet behind his eleven-foot-long ties.

Several days ago, while pilfering his eating utensils, Trump was approached by his advisors, some of whom are also stealing his silverware. Stephen Bannon doesn’t take any, but some of Melania’s pantyhose have gone missing.

Attorney General-designee Jeff Sessions, who’s been busy printing up “Colored Must Move to the Rear of the Bus” signs, squealed in pain when he sat down. He’d forgotten that he’d put one of Trump’s shrimp forks in his underwear – right next to his shrimp.

The advisors wanted Trump to make a statement saying that cutting Social Security was a good idea from a “moral standpoint.” When they presented their suggestion, Trump stared blankly for a second before asking, “What’s a moral?”

None of the right-wing extremists actually knew. Kellyanne Conway checked the dictionary on her brand new phone, the Droid Fibber-6.

When told what morals are, Trump said he never knew a person with them, but hoped that the drug companies were working on a cure for this ugly disease.

Trump said that he can gut Social Security from a “moral standpoint” because he will make it solvent by cutting out waste, fraud and abuse, which by the way are the nicknames of three of his cabinet members. Larry, Moe and Curly are three more.

“Hey everybody, look,” called Trump, “there’s a unicorn.” As everyone looked around the room he stole Kellyanne Conway’s purse.

Ken Hecht

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