This past Monday the world witnessed the biggest mass ass-kissing in the history of mankind. Prior to the televised abomination, Trump sat down with his people to deliberate over what they could best do to help this failed excuse of a human hold on to his thirty-eight percent approval ratings.

Trump started the meeting with:

Trump: As you all know, it’s vital that we hold on to my 59% percent approval rating.

One soon-to be-ex-adviser spoke up, saying, “Sir, that’s 38%.”

Trump: Right.  62%.

Spicer: Sir, maybe there’s some childhood trauma that we can use to gain sympathy for you.

Trump: I like that. You know, I was terribly deprived.

Bannon: It shows, sir.

Trump: Thanks. See, my father wouldn’t get me a hooker until I was twelve. And he only did that to stop me from groping our dog… That’s gotta help increase my 71% approval rating, right?

Betsy DeVoss: Mr. President, it might be better for me to tell people that I have your full support in guaranteeing that no child whose parents earn under a million dollars a year will ever be able to read past an eighth grade level.

Trump: Good, that’ll make them just like me.

Jared: Dad, let me just say that I believe I represent the common man whose father went to prison for tax evasion and jury tampering. I think people would pity you-

Trump: I like pity.

Jared: I know people’s hearts would ache if they learned that you have to pay people to like you. And that if you didn’t, you’d have absolutely nobody in the world except your family.

Trump: That’s right. My family would still love me… Well, maybe not Melania or my other daughter what’s her name… Man, I really am pathetic. That could help me hold onto my 98% approval rating.

By time the meeting ended, Trump’s approval rating was 175%.

They settled on that cabinet circle-jerk we were subjected to. The must-not-see TV was so drenched in sugar that thousands of diabetics all around America went into shock. They are not expected to survive the Trump Presidency, but then again, either is the rest of the country.


Ken Hecht

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