Donald Trump’s aides felt it important to prep him before this week’s trip to fire-ravaged California. Their delusional boss entered what is now known as the Offal Office. He reached into his coat pocket and removed several handwritten pages and an end-cut of roast beef.

Trump: I’ve put a lot of work into my California speech, as you can tell by each word being written in a different color crayon… First, I’ll start them off with a joke. I’ll look around and say, “Geez, it looks like you people have been vaping like crazy.”

Ivanka: Daddy, maybe you shouldn’t-

Trump: Quiet, darling. I’m on a roll. Then I’ll say I’m very glad to see so many of you here in blackface… After they stop applauding me, I’ll tell them that the air is predicted to clear up in October. And since it’s already September, that’s only two months away.

Jared: Sir, October comes after… forget it. I’ll have them change the White House calendars.

Trump: I should scold Californians for not having swept the forest floors like I told them to, but instead I’m going to be kind and send them thousands of brooms.

Ivanka: Oh, daddy, that’s the first nice thing you’ve ever done.

Trump: That’s nothing. I’m going to have Kellyanne Conway show them how to use the brooms because she’s an expert as they’re her main means of transportation.

Lindsey Graham: Sir, we have some ideas-

Trump: Forget it. This trip will guarantee that I win the Northern California vote.

Pence: Sir, that’s not really likely according to-

Trump: Relax, it’s mine once I remind them that I invented Trump-a-Roni the San Francisco Treat.


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