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SPEAKERS OF THE LOUSE

Many prominent Republican politicians have declined to speak or even attend Donald Trump’s convention, with excuses like, “I’m being cryogenically frozen that week,” “I’m having my hair done in the Philippines” and “I’m using my time-share at Guantanamo.”

Republicans, who are scared to attend, resent that Trump is tapping into their baseless fears which they usually reserve for Hispanics, Gays, Blacks, Jews, Catholics and ever having to think for themselves.

Trump has promised that on “Sports Night,” many famous athletes will speak at his coronation. Mike Ditka refused to do so, saying, “Hey, I wasn’t hit in the head enough times to do that.”
Mike Tyson immediately shouted, “I was.” Tyson is the ninth speaker scheduled to speak on “Convicted Rapists for Trump Night.”

Trump has stated that his wife and children will speak at the convention. He’s planning to have Melania speak topless in hopes of drawing more viewers. He added, “I promise you that the hall will be kept very cold that night.”

Trump was asked if doing that wasn’t just a little cheesy. He responded, “No. My wife is totally committed to the campaign and wants to help me lock up the blind lesbian vote.”

The audience just stared at him.

“Look,” he said, “I know those biker babes won’t be able to see her that night, but I plan to send them Braille photos of Melania in the nude. My wife is very excited because she’s never had sex with blind people in numbers.”

A reporter asked, “Will your daughter be naked?” Trump replied, “Only backstage.”

Ken Hecht

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