With Donald Trump about to deliver his first major speech to Congress tonight, another leak has emanated from the White House, revealing that during tonight’s address the President, with help from the official Trump University dictionary that goes all the way up to the letter “L,” will be using words with up to five letters in them.

Trump has made it known that he plans to increase the military’s budget by fifty-four billion dollars.

When asked why this was necessary, the Commander and Chief shared his thinking. “My advisors, who I assure you used all of their fingers to count on, have informed me that our nuclear capacity will only allow us to kill every man, woman and child in the world twelve times over. Any superpower that I own must be able to destroy the world at least twenty times over.”

Off to the side, Kellyanne Conway, wearing a cheerleader’s uniform, jumped high in the air and shouted, “Yay annihilation.”

Trump saw this and called, “Damn it Kellyanne, didn’t I tell you to put on underwear today?”

Trump was then asked about taking money from vital domestic programs like the E.P.A. to fulfill his grandiose militaristic fantasy. He responded by saying, “My budget will have no negative effect on the ecology. In fact I give you my personal assurance that America’s drinking water will always be tasty… and chewable.”

The President was asked what effect all his military spending would have on our health care system. He said proudly, “The health of Americans is of vital importance to me and no matter what happens, I will always have money set aside for Chris Christie’s lap-band surgery.”

Chris Christie shouted, “Yay” and tried to jump in the air. He failed to launch, but did manage to give himself a hernia.

Ken Hecht





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