After the G20 ended, Donald Trump was able to sneak back into America through the Canadian border disguised as Dudley Do-Right.

Just as he’s never added anything of value to the world, he also added nothing of value to the summit, but he did enjoy partaking in the meeting’s social events. He especially loved the belly dancing competition, which he appeared to be winning until he thrust his belly outwards, killing the Prime Minister of Italy’s grandchildren.

The most controversial thing to happen at the international confab, other than Vladimir Putin eating Trump’s lunch every day, was having his daughter sit in for him at a meeting for the heads of the G20 nations.

Ivanka sat next to Britain’s Prime Minister Theresa May and two seats down from Putin, who paid her notice because he was on his Tablet, hacking into the kitchen and putting borscht on the menu.

May was most kind to Ivanka, telling her, “It’s wonderful having you here instead of your father. I can finally uncross my legs. Tell me dear, was he dropped on his head repeatedly when he was a baby?”

Ivanka: Probably, but my dad’s a really good guy. Very sensitive and considerate.

May: Well, I don’t think anyone’s ever seen that side of him.

Ivanka: I have. Do you know that when we dated, he always brought me roses? Except when I was younger and then he’d always bring me something from the Fischer-Price catalogue.

After the controversy erupted the President defended Ivanka, telling Fox News that his daughter belonged at the meeting and how proud of her he’s been since day one. He swelled with pride and added, “I was especially proud of her the day she won the Kentucky Derby.”

Later in the day, Ivanka again talked about wonderful her father was, telling reporters, “Daddy’s the best. He just re-did his will and he’s leaving me the Presidency of the United States.”


Ken Hecht




Earlier this week, President Trump flew into Rome after giving the King of Saudi Arabia a big hug and our nuclear codes.

When Trump and his entourage deplaned, Melania again brushed the President’s hand away while whispering, “Keep your Tater Tots off of me, you freak.”

Upon meeting, Trump and Pope Francis shook hands with the President saying, “It’s a great honor to meet you, Pope Jilly.” The Pope responded, “My name is Francis.”

Trump turned to Melania and said, “You told me his name was Jilly.” “Oops,” she replied before a small smile appeared on her face. Trump responded with, “Cut this crap out Melania. It’s not enough you had me sing the dreidle song in Saudi Arabia?”

It wasn’t clear if the Pope heard their exchange because he was busy counting his fingers after shaking hands with Trump.

Later, the two men held a private meeting. Here is an occasionally accurate fake transcript of their meeting:

The Pope held out a wafer to the President and asked, “Would you like to take Communion, my son?”

Trump: Do you have any chocolate ones?

The Pope sighed.

Trump: Francis, would you like to make a few extra bucks by being my FBI Director? I can’t find anyone in America who’ll take the job.

Pope: I’d rather suffocate in a grain silo.

Trump: No sweat… Hey, listen, I had to pee before.

Pope: Thanks for sharing.

Trump: The urinal… was that holy water in there?

The Pope was too stunned to answer.

Trump: The reason I ask is that I’d like to bring some holy water back to my son Barron.

A ray of sunshine for the Pope who smiled and asked, “Is your son religious?”

Trump: No, he’s got a goldfish.

The Pope excused himself and told Trump, “Give my regards to Satan.”

When the Presidential visit ended Trump gave the Pope a gift certificate for three free nights in the Jenna Jameson Pleasure Suite at Mar-A-Lago. Courtesy bar not included.

The Pope gave Trump five books he thought the President would enjoy. He also gave him a box of crayons.


Ken Hecht






Air Force One carries so many electronics and missile avoidance systems that it can only hold so much passenger and luggage weight and still fly safely. The Secret Service only approved the trip to Saudi Arabia after President Trump promised not to gain more than forty pounds during the flight.

The President had brushed up on Saudi customs under Melania’s tutelage. The first thing she taught him the words to “Havana Nagila”, suggesting he sing it at the Saudi royal family’s state dinner and falafel hunt.

A Middle East expert had instructed the President to only shake hands and eat with his right hand, as the left hand is used for personal hygiene and therefore considered “unclean.”

Trump thought that was absurd and told the expert that he used his right hand to gratify himself if someone named Trixie or Sparkle wasn’t available at that moment.

When Air Force One landed at Saudi Arabia’s Suicide International Airport, Trump exited the plane far ahead of his wife. He does this so Melania can’t get close enough to push him down the stairs. Trump has guarded against this ever since his parents started pushing him down stairs when he was nine.

Trump received a royal welcome at the airport. He and the King shook hands and kissed each other’s cheeks for almost twenty minutes. After they’d stopped, the President waved his chins at the King. Just like Melania taught him.

After leaving the airport, everyone was driven to one of the royal family’s six thousand palaces for a sumptuous lunch. After the meal, Trump was honored with Saudi Arabia’s traditional desert, two scoops of camel dung.

Trump said he liked it but would have preferred it without sprinkles.

During the trip, Trump took credit for an arms deal, Middle East peace and sand.

Melania only flew out of Saudi Arabia with her husband because he couldn’t get the price he wanted to sell her into white slavery.


Ken Hecht