The Left Wing Gazette was able to convince not-so-much-my President Trump to sit down for an interview. We agreed that we wouldn’t write anything down or use words with more than five letters in them. Also, we had to promise to tell him how handsome he is every two minutes.

What follows is what we remember from the interview.

TLWG: Mr. Trump, people are wondering what it is that you have against Mexico. Have you had bad experiences with Mexican people?

Trump: No. When I was a child I had a number of Mexican nannies. I remember them fondly, except for the two that tried to drown me.

TLWG: It’s easy to see how that might cause a lot of resentment towards our southern neighbors.

Trump: There’s no resentment. The Swedish, Norwegian and Latvian nannies tried to drown me, too… No, wait, the Latvian tried to set fire to me.

TLWG: “Set fire to-”…  Didn’t you tell your parents?

Trump: Sure. They gave her a raise and bought her a kerosene can… Aren’t you guys forgetting something?

TLWG: What? Oh, right. You’re very handsome.

Trump: You didn’t have to say that.

TLWG: Lindsey Graham has said that your empty twenty-percent tariff threat on Mexican goods is a very bad idea.

Trump: The guy’s just bitter because no one has ever been willing to marry him. Not even homely women with multiple cats. And he’s jealous because I’ve been married three times… and just wait.

TLWG: Are you suggesting that you and Melania are having problems?

Trump: Of course not… Does anyone know how to say “Pack your bags” in Slovenian?”

TLWG: Mr. President, you claim that torture works.

Trump: It does work and it’s easy to torture people. Just ask the sixty-six million people who voted against me.


Ken Hecht