Constant talk of impeachment now has Donald Trump really stressed. He told aides that he felt the walls were closing in on him, but they allayed his fears when they informed him that he’s gained so much weight that actually, he’s closing in on the walls.

His aides brought in psychiatrist Dr. Harvey Slavin, who, while still on a work-release program for sleeping with his patients with poor vision, is considered to be an occasionally adequate psychiatrist.

Dr. Slavin: How are you feeling today, Mr. Trump?

Trump: Furious. Lindsey Graham is betraying me.

Slavin: How so?

Trump: He promised me that he’d buried his morals and ethics with John McCain, but now he’s gotten all pissy about me deserting the Kurds.

Slavin: Can I ask why did you turn on our allies and make it easy for Turkey to slaughter them?

Trump: Because I don’t have a hotel in Kurdland, but I have a big one in Istanboool.

Slavin: Sir, doesn’t it bother you that because of these kinds of actions millions of American’s think you’re an imbecile and totally full of shit?

Trump: Fake news.

Slavin: Of course it is… Can you share your feelings about millions of Americans wanting to see you in handcuffs?

Trump: More fake news. Handcuffs? Ridiculous. Hey, want to see a picture of Ivanka in handcuffs?

Slavin: You really have a pic-?

Trump: Here, she’s in a bikini I picked out for her.

Slavin, suddenly needing a shower, pushed on.

Slavin: Let’s leave the gutter for a second Sir. Do you have any anxiety over losing next year’s election?

Trump: I can’t lose. Not with all my support in places like Rotted Gums, Missouri, Open Sores, Kentucky and Alabama’s Nazi Mountain Theme Park.

Slavin: Thank God for inbreeding, huh?

Trump: You can say that again.





Seeing the President display even more bizarre behavior than usual, Donald Trump’s staff suggested that he to talk to a trained professional. Trump’s response was, “Oh goody, hookers.”

When his staff explained what they meant, Trump agreed to meet with a shrink on the condition that it not be made public.

The staff chose esteemed psychiatrist Dr. Michael Lerner. Lerner is known for his occasional competence and being the first shrink to charge his patients by the neurosis.

In order to keep the session secret, the appointment was made under the name Very Stable Genius.

The session:

Very Stable Genius: You’ve gotta help me, Doc. I can’t get Nancy Pelosi out of my head. I don’t think people know how horrible that is.

Lerner: I think they do. You’re in the heads of millions of people and they’re all trying to get you out.

VSG: How do you know that?

Lerner: Knitting needle sales are way up… What else is bothering you?

VSG: Well, the people around me… they’re downers, always upset.

Lerner: For instance.


VSG: Like John Bolton. His whole life, he’s wanted to start an illegitimate war for young American men and women to die in… I mean, it’s good to have goals, but I can’t let him do that. It could cost me votes.

Lerner was able to avoid throwing up.

Lerner: Think, something must be going well for you?

VSG: Well, at least the morons who only care about overturning Roe v. Wade don’t seem to notice that I’m stealing their country and giving it to Vladimir Putin.

Lerner: Right… Anything else make you happy?

VSG: Let me see… Yes, Lindsay Graham.

Lerner: As I remember, you didn’t like each other at first.

VSG: I know, but we’re friends now.

Lerner: What do you attribute that to?

VSG: Well, when John McCain died, they buried Lindsey Graham’s morals and ethics with him… Trust me, life is so much easier without morals and ethics… You know Doc, I feel a lot better now.

Lerner, under his breath, mumbled, “Crap.”