President Donald Trump took his circus, also known as his administration, down to Palm Beach last weekend. After proclaiming to the world that something terrible had happened in Sweden last Friday, he received enormous international blowback and felt it necessary to hold a press conference today.

Trump began by making a statement.

Trump: I may have misspoken when I said something awful had happened in Sweden. My advisors have informed me that nothing happened in Sweden, ever.

Reporter 1: So you’re no longer claiming that there was a terrorist attack there?

Trump: Not yet, but we know for a fact that the terrorists who attacked Bowling Green and Atlanta are now hiding out there. We’re tracking them by following their falafel droppings.

Reporter 2: Sir, there were no terrorist attacks in Bowling Green or Atlanta. But putting that aside, I’m curious as to why terrorists would bother to go to Sweden?

Trump: Because the sun rarely shines there, so armed dark people can’t be seen. But the police, known as Sweden 5-0, have been instructed to be on the alert for people they trip over but can’t see.

Reporter 3: To switch topics, Mr. President, could you tell us how you decided on your new National Security Advisor?

Trump: Sure. He was the first person with clean urine who was willing to take the job.

Reporter 4: It’s been reported that highly qualified candidates had turned the job down because they didn’t want Steve Bannon in the room.

Trump: That’s no longer a problem. I made Bannon promise to bathe every day.

Reporter 5: And you believe he’ll do that?

Trump: He has no choice. I’ve ordered Chris Christie to give him his bath.


Ken Hecht