After achieving a new low in Presidential insincerity with his border-wall address to the nation, Donald Trump sat alone in the Oval Office. He knew that no-one other than his core supporters bought his fictions.

It should be noted that thanks to the prosperity Trump has brought to those supporters, most expect to have their Studebakers paid off in a couple of years.

Trump had hoped to bounce some new bulls**t off of his co-Presidents, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter, but the two lovebirds were unreachable in the Bahamas.

“TMZ” recently reported that Coulter fell in love with Rush when he told her, “You’re every bit as attractive as Norman Bates’s mother.”

Knowing that Trump had laid another egg, some Republicans met secretly to try and figure out how to end the shutdown. The meeting’s attendees planned to let the most respected Republican in the room chair the session, but then realized there aren’t any respected Republicans and went for their least respected member.

Mike Pence called the meeting to order. He looked under a desk and said, “Mitch, it’s safe to come out now. Nobody is going to actually ask you to do your job.”

McConnell felt relieved, but was terrified of the Hispanic waiters in the room serving coffee. After Kellyanne Conway frisked them, he was finally coaxed to slither out from under the desk. McConnell tried to stand, but ended up face down on the floor after stepping on several of his chins.

A panicked Sarah Sanders rose and told the room, “Look, we’ve got to do something because I’m running out of shutdown lies.”

The room gasped. The thought of her running out of lies was even more terrifying to them than helping poor people.

McConnell asked if anyone had any idea how to get the big orange baboon to change his mind. Minutes of silence ensued until one of the waiters asked, “Don’t any of you gringos have Putin’s number?”

The room erupted with applause.

Later that day the waiter was deported.