Donald Trump’s many super Pacs have raised so little money for him that the candidate stated, “I could raise more money by swindling the sick and elderly out of their savings again. To that end, I’ve dispatched fifty white collar criminals to Florida with instructions to focus on bingo parlors, hospices and wrinkle cream stores.”

Nothing has fallen so short of expectations as Trump’s fundraising since Chris Christie promised to lose weight. It is also being reported that Christie has asked Trump for money so that he can buy a neck.

Trump is now struggling to shore up his core voters by promising that no one in his cabinet will know the alphabet past the letter “M” or own a toothbrush with more than one bristle.

The candidate had counted on billionaire right winger Sheldon Adelson to come across big for him. But the casino owner, a man whose insides are almost as rancid as Trump’s, saw The Donald’s numbers tanking and decided to invest the money elsewhere. An orthodox Jew, Adelson is now building a factory that will produce kosher anthrax for the Israeli army.

One super Pac obtained thirty-two million in pledges, but only received two million of it. The Pac has been trying to reach the other thirty million people in hopes of getting them to cough up their pledges. They’re having trouble finding these donors as most of them seem to be named Benito Mussolini, Ty Cobb, Margret Thatcher or Tonto.

Individuals are only allowed to donate up to twenty seven hundred dollars to a campaign. In an attempt to help raise money for Trump, the Republican Party is sweetening the deal and promising people that if they donate the max, they won’t have to eat with Trump.

Ken Hecht