Earlier this week, President Trump flew into Rome after giving the King of Saudi Arabia a big hug and our nuclear codes.

When Trump and his entourage deplaned, Melania again brushed the President’s hand away while whispering, “Keep your Tater Tots off of me, you freak.”

Upon meeting, Trump and Pope Francis shook hands with the President saying, “It’s a great honor to meet you, Pope Jilly.” The Pope responded, “My name is Francis.”

Trump turned to Melania and said, “You told me his name was Jilly.” “Oops,” she replied before a small smile appeared on her face. Trump responded with, “Cut this crap out Melania. It’s not enough you had me sing the dreidle song in Saudi Arabia?”

It wasn’t clear if the Pope heard their exchange because he was busy counting his fingers after shaking hands with Trump.

Later, the two men held a private meeting. Here is an occasionally accurate fake transcript of their meeting:

The Pope held out a wafer to the President and asked, “Would you like to take Communion, my son?”

Trump: Do you have any chocolate ones?

The Pope sighed.

Trump: Francis, would you like to make a few extra bucks by being my FBI Director? I can’t find anyone in America who’ll take the job.

Pope: I’d rather suffocate in a grain silo.

Trump: No sweat… Hey, listen, I had to pee before.

Pope: Thanks for sharing.

Trump: The urinal… was that holy water in there?

The Pope was too stunned to answer.

Trump: The reason I ask is that I’d like to bring some holy water back to my son Barron.

A ray of sunshine for the Pope who smiled and asked, “Is your son religious?”

Trump: No, he’s got a goldfish.

The Pope excused himself and told Trump, “Give my regards to Satan.”

When the Presidential visit ended Trump gave the Pope a gift certificate for three free nights in the Jenna Jameson Pleasure Suite at Mar-A-Lago. Courtesy bar not included.

The Pope gave Trump five books he thought the President would enjoy. He also gave him a box of crayons.


Ken Hecht





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