This week’s rollback of transgender rights came after President Trump and members of his administration met to discuss the issue. Kellyanne Conway was allowed to attend as long as she agreed not to remove the duct tape that had been placed over her mouth a week ago. She was looking very thin.

Trump chaired the session.

Trump: “Transgender, transgender, transgender.” I’m sick of hearing about this transgender thing. Why are we having such a problem with an airline?

Anatomically correct flash cards, which caused Mr. Trump’s foot to thump, were used to explain the issue to the President.

He thought for a second and then asked, “Why are we persecuting this small group when there are so many larger minorities we can deprive of their rights?”

Steve Bannon: Mr. President, we’re going after people who don’t know what department to shop in to honor our nation’s founding fathers. Our Constitution clearly states that Americans are only to use their bladders in the presence of their genetic peers… or wildlife if they’re camping.

Trump: Has anyone seen my yo-yo?

Bannon: For what it’s worth, sir, the Constitution says nothing about putting the toilet seat down… And I interpret that to mean that the floor’s fair game, too.

Trump: I have to show that to Melania. She gets so mad because if she goes after me she has to change into rubber boots.

Kellyanne Conway held up a sign reading, “Food, please!”

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was video conferenced in from Whiteland, his plantation in Alabama where he was putting on the beloved Broadway classic, “Porgy and Bess.” He’s playing Bess.

Sessions: Mr. President, depriving transgenders of their basic bladder right will play very well with evangelicals.

Trump: How so?

Sessions: Let me quote from the Bible, sir, the Book of Pissers II. “Man shall urinatith with man and woman shall urinatith with women.”

Trump: Are you sure it says with and not, “on?”

Sessions nodded, “I am.”

Trump: Crap.


Ken Hecht



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