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TRUMP’S SHORT LIST

Donald Trump and annoyingly conservative Iowa Senator Joni Ernst recently sat down together after he added to add her to his vice presidential short list. When asked how he decided on Ernst, he responded, “After a long deliberation, I’m talking almost nine minutes long, I concluded that she wasn’t a bad-looking broad.”

Asked if this really was his short list, he said, “Definitely. In fact, it’s shorter than my fingers.”

The candidate met with the senator to learn what she was really about. What follows is the transcript of the meeting that we obtained sort of legally.

TRUMP: Hello Joni, It’s nice to meet me, isn’t it?

ERNST just stared at him.

TRUMP: I’m running late, so just write down all the compliments you you want to give me and hand them to Shirley, my Secretary of Blowing Smoke Up My Ass. She’s just outside the door standing next to the fire extinguisher… Okay, let’s get down to business. You’re wearing a long skirt, so I have to ask, do you have good legs?

ERNST: What?

TRUMP: You heard me, doll. My Vice President has to have good legs. That’s why I had to drop Chris Christie from the list.

ERNST: My legs are fine.

TRUMP: Do you have a picture of yourself in a bikini?

ERNST: Mr. Trump…

TRUMP: OK, forget it. I’ll find out what they look like when you use the bathroom down the hall.

ERNST: You planted cameras in the-?

TRUMP: Lighten up, sweetie. If you’re my Vice President, you’ll need to get used to constant humiliation. Any of my wives can help you with that… Let’s see… your resume says that you retired from the military last year.

Ernst: That’s right.

TRUMP: Our military?

ERNST: Yes, of course.

Trump: Good. You know I’m very patriotic and I was planning to serve until I found out that I’d have to go to the bathroom with southerners.

ERNST: Do you have any serious questions to ask me, Mr. Trump?

TRUMP: I read that you want to do away with the EPA. Is that correct?

ERNST: That’s right. Clean water is bad for business. I’m sick of the government intervening on behalf of the poor and middle class instead of standing up for the corporations who own me lock stock and barrel.

TRUMP: Amen, sister.

ERNST: You, “amen?” Interesting. How do you really feel about God?

TRUMP: I can take him or leave him… Now I understand that you’re a lifelong member of the NRA.

ERNST: That’s right.

TRUMP: Well, I think we could use a little moderation on that topic. I believe a lot more of people might feel the same way if they’d ever lost a loved one to gun violence.

ERNST: As a member of the NRA, I take great pride in saying that we look forward to many more people losing loved ones to gun violence. I did, but it didn’t change my mind when Grandma Sally accidentally shot herself to death.

TRUMP: That’s huge! How could it not change your opinion?

ERNST: Look, it was her own fault. She refused to take the NRA’s Gun Safety Course for people with Parkinson’s.

TRUMP: Uh, do you have a gun with you?

Ernst hiked up her skirt and removed a shotgun.

TRUMP: Nice legs.
Ken Hecht

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