Donald Trump, who changes his reality more often than he changes his socks, called his boss, Vladimir Putin, to congratulate him on his re-election.

Trump: Vladimir, congrats on winning your rigged election. I look forward to many  more years of following your orders.

Putin: Good. I’ll keep helping you ruin America as long as you keep kissing my ass every day.

Trump: Sure thing. I just ordered more Chapstick.

Putin: Great. I’ve got to go. I’m scheduled to take my shirt off and sit on a horse.

Trump: I tried that recently, but the horse started to cry… Listen, I could really use some help.

Putin: Where’d you put your dick this time?

Trump: I think it’s in my other pants, but I have another problem. People with morals are trying to destroy my presidency.

Putin: Which you don’t need any help with.

Trump: That’s right.

Putin: What about Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan. Can’t they help?

Trump: Later, maybe. But right now they’re busy overseeing the construction of the “Republican Museum of Cowardice.” It’s going to be great. It’ll have hundreds of holes for our members to crawl into.

Putin: Why don’t you order a poison-tipped umbrella from Amazon? That’s where we get ours.

Trump: Why didn’t I think of that?

Putin: Because you’re a moron. Anything else?

Trump: Well,  I’m hoping you’ll give me a call just before you attack us?

Putin: Absolutely.

Trump: Good. That way I’ll have time to hide under my desk and save myself.

Putin: Smart… Listen, I want a favor from you as well, Donald.

Trump: Anything.

Putin: Do you have Stormy Daniels’s number?

Trump: I do. Be sure to buy her deluxe package. It comes with two syringes so you can give each other penicillin shots.


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